2012: Year of the Blog

More regularity coming soon, with updates for matchdays, Grands Prix, other sporting events and possibly a  few news-y bits (whatever doesn't get in the way of essays, basically).

Kean To See Him Gone

Today, Steve Kean went into the training with hundreds of befuddled fans lining his way, protesting his employment and yelling hopeful calls for his dismissal. They’ve held up their placards and voiced their opinions for weeks now, both in the stands and out. The local paper itself has backed the calls to see Steve Kean kicked away from Blackburn Rovers, and yet he remains.

It’s amazing, the amount of derision that can be poured upon a man before he cries enough. Steve Kean has been vilified so hard you’d expect his routine to consist of crying himself to sleep, crying himself awake and crying himself to work. However, Kean presses on despite the fans calls, which are now beginning to become hoarse with frustration. While you have to admire Kean’s resilience, it begs the question of how much a man can be despised by the fans before a board will give in.

For many clubs I imagine this situation would have been quashed long before it got to this stage. Boards are notoriously itchier than supporters, and it’s ultimately their finger that lies temptingly on the trigger throughout the manager’s tenure. However, Venkys seems unwilling to make any move regarding Kean, and it’s this combined with the vociferous protests that is leading to a dangerous situation at Blackburn Rovers.

It’s difficult to know what the supporters’ job is in this type of predicament. On the one hand, these protests make Kean’s position practically untenable and the fans have succeeded in making Kean’s sacking a wise decision. However, with Venkys looking reserved in their motivation to rid themselves of Kean, the constant chanting and booing of the current management may only serve to distract the players and consequently lead to worse results.

It’s a bit of a see-saw for the fans. On the one hand they want Kean gone, but on the other hand they don’t want to distract the team and see them condemned further into the relegation mulch. As much as people will tell you that these protests are aimed directly at Kean and don’t concern the players, it’s impossible to suggest that it doesn’t affect them negatively. They will be aware that Kean is under pressure. They themselves will begin to scrutinise his management. The effect will be negative in the short term.

That said, Kean’s management has been very poor and I’m not sure ‘bad’ and ‘worse’ will make much of a difference for Blackburn’s current plight. They need Kean gone, and it really has got to the stage that all other considerations need to be discarded. The team’s chance of avoiding relegation under the current management is hopeless, and only the board seem unaware of these, or at least nonchalant about doing anything to counter it.

Is it right to barrack a man as he goes about his job though? After all, Steve Kean is only human and as much as he does a poor job, there’s no doubt in my mind he tries his very hardest. Alex Ferguson, Harry Redknapp and Paul Lambert have all come out in support of Steve Kean’s plight and offered encouragement to the Glaswegian. It would perhaps seem that the fans are overdoing it and only serving to harass someone who works hard for the club.

However, I think once you move into football management, you are well aware of the nature of the beast. Fans don’t make their opinion known through subtlety, and if they feel you aren’t up to task they’ll be sure to let you know about it, with their words encapsulated in eloquent ‘fucks’ and ‘arseholes’. Though the abuse of Kean probably isn’t fair, he will know better than anyone else that it was the risk of being a football manager. The fans themselves will say they have a right to voicing their opinion, and that’s true. 20,000 people all voicing their opinion against you will never sound too pleasant, but that really is part and parcel of football.

It seems there are two options for Kean. If he’s willing to accept the abuse, he can move forward and continue breaking his back to turn things around. If he feels he can’t hack it anymore, he can resign. If he did the latter, I’d imagine the abuse will stop instantly, and the Blackburn fans may even be appreciative of his effort and the fact that he called it quits for the good of the club.

To be honest, I’m not sure it’s Kean whom they are angry at anyway. I’m pretty certain that, one way or another, Venkys has been behind the real aggravations throughout the Blackburn support. They need to act in the interests of the club, and it’s becoming undeniable that allowing Kean to remain is beneficial to anyone involved. The fans who are directing their abuse at Steve Kean should perhaps ask themselves “If I was given a dream job as a football manager, and began mucking up, would I soldier on?” It’s Venkys job to prevent a situation like this from getting out of hand, and in their first major task as a board, it seems they are failing.



Oh and have a Merry Christmas

Hitch Dependency Syndrome

AKA: Why I’m going to miss that big lovely bastard

There’s almost no point listing superlatives about Christopher Hitchens. Not only have they all been uttered in the wake of his death, but it’s a certainty that any turn of phrase you could use to describe him would’ve been made 100 times better by the man himself. Hitchens was as eloquent as Stephen Fry, as intelligent as Bertrand Russell, and as outspoken as Roy Keane (I know I’ve cheapened the analogy by bringing a footballer into it, but nevertheless...)

To me he remains an inspiring figure. Just as I began to turn to philosophy, my main interest was in the debates of God. Dawkins impressed me with his calm rationality and persistent arguments, but Hitchens orchestrated a different dimension of respect. His willingness to say what needed to be said, his clear thinking and precise opinions, his superior wit: Hitchens was the master at what he did.

The videos of him on YouTube are what really blew me away. I spent hours just watching him speak. He would happily put himself into a debate, submerging into a hostile environment and come out looking the most reasoned by miles. Even when supporting points that even the most ardent of the anti-religious would fret over (such as the faith of Mother Teresa and Jerry Falwell’s death), Hitchens would at least rationalise his approach and would come out stronger for ignoring the usual taunts of the opposed (One frustrated priest laughably offered to ‘take it outside’ during one debate).

One of my favourite videos of Hitchens is him having a live discussion with a rabbi. The rabbi facetiously remarks that his son ‘cried more over his first haircut than his circumcision’. Hitchens goes quiet as the audience laughs, before launching into an impassioned tirade about the repulsiveness of such practices and the fact that they can lead to infection and death. His raise in tone showed that behind what initially appears to be a cold and stony exterior laid a heart that burned for the wellbeing of humanity.

He’s become a popular figure on YouTube for his impenetrable speeches and magical putdowns. The ‘hitchslap’ as it’s known by supporters is a running trend on YouTube, and I’m happy to be the amount of Hitchslap videos must be well into the hundreds. It seems when somebody speaks with such vigour, the scent of that aura is impossible to resist. Hitchens speaks proudly and fiercely, and destroys any track of reasoning that doesn’t satisfy him. The jugular vein of an opponent remains in his sights at all times.

It’s easy to speak highly of someone you agree so much with, but Hitchens had certain political opinions that I differed to. His support of the Iraq war and the Bush presidency (albeit only “slightly”) was perhaps a surprising conviction for a man who seemed so far away on the political spectrum. However, he was a man of priority, and he held in highest regard the protection of citizens from the forces of terror. There was method behind his unexpected thinking, whether you considered it right or wrong (the answer is wrong, by the way).

Despite being diagnosed with cancer last year, Hitchens continued to discuss, write and debate. His discussion with Tony Blair was a wonderfully intriguing bout. Both showed their class, Hitchens moreso in spite of his clear and distressing illness. It’s a poignant summation: Hitchens was a battler. He made the almighty force of religion look ridiculous, he fought under the banner of socialism in a country where it’s scoffed at, and he was an almighty power in the arena of debate.

I wrote the last half of that paragraph in present tense at first. I guess it’s still strange to know that Hitchens is now gone. He was an inspirational figure to me, and to many. His philosophy will live on in the people he influenced. Hitchens deserves his to find a place in his own personal heaven... for him that’s nothing at all. Here’s to his tremendous past, and non-existent afterlife.

RIP The Hitch.

Football 2011: Another Lovely Review

AKA - Football in 2011: No God not the bees! Arrrrgh! Arrrghgarblegarble My Eyes! My Eyes!

The beautiful game is getting more and more beautiful, yet the financial machine behind it continues to inflate beyond comprehension. Football has had another year of captivation, controversy and capitulation. It’s been bloody brilliant.

Cast your mind back to January. Roy Hodgson, resembling a lost child accidentally put in charge of a football club, was sacked as Liverpool manager and the good Lord himself King Kenny Dalglish was his replacement. Chelsea paid an immense and, retrospectively, laughable £50m on misfiring Fernando Torres. Football lost a legend in big Nat Lofthouse, who died aged 85. “Feels like a while ago”, we all cry in unison.

It has been a long year for football. The aforementioned financial aspect of the game has been completely out of control. I envisioned some form of collapse for football’s economy long before the stage we’ve reached now, but instead the inflated transfer fees show no sign of stopping. Andy Carroll, who had only been through a season of Premier League experienced, was deemed to be worth £35m from Liverpool. Meanwhile, veteran striker Samuel Eto’o was bathing in sweet money thanks to his record-high salary of £330,000 a week at Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala.

It’s a worrying trend. Somewhere, the costs have to be covered and it seems that is beginning to hit the pockets of the fans more than anything else. The constant burden that is my football team, Portsmouth, are starting to charge £30 a ticket. That’s Championship level football, and that simply isn’t good enough. The world’s financial chaos means that the days of season tickets and Sky subscriptions will begin to dwell, and that could lead to crisis for certain clubs.

However, the football itself is getting better. Enough praise has been thrown at Barcelona that if all the players were found guilty of tearing down orphanages and destroying valuable pieces of art, everyone would still watch them with dreamy approval. However, it is true that the football is getting more and more amazing and Lionel Messi is continuing to establish himself as not just the best player at the moment, but a possible candidate for one of the best of all time once his career has finished. So far this season, Barcelona have scored an astonishing 39 goals in 8 home games.

In general though, football seems to be moving back towards a more interesting attacking style. 4-5-1 seemed ready to dominate football, but over this year teams are gradually evolving into a 4-3-3, with forward players chasing down the wings in order to put more pressure on defences. It’s worked, as we’ve seen some games with superb ebbing and flowing, and to top that some ridiculous scorelines. Who could forget the 8-2 between Man United and Arsenal? Or the 6-1 between Man City and Man United? Or the incredible 4-4 between Arsenal and Newcastle?

With such excitement has come a change in the pecking order for English football. The classic ‘big four’ is well and truly dead, with Manchester City and arguably Tottenham coming well into the frame. Man City have been the success story of 2011, with their continued improvement seeing them to FA Cup success last season and making them frontrunners for the title this year. With the signings of Aguero, Dzeko and Nasri bolstering the team, it seems very likely that Manchester City will be the next big name in world football. That said, world superstars don’t tend to be shown on Channel 5 on a Thursday night.

There have been some more sombre occasions in the world of football as well this year. Recently, we tragically lost two very well respected figures in the game. Gary Speed’s death was met with as much sorrow as I can ever remember from a footballer’s passing. Clearly a much-loved figure in the game, ex-players and reporters were breaking down in tears all over the place in the days following the shocking announcement. We also lost former Brazilian star Socrates, aged just 57. He was instrumental in the great passing and moving that Brazil possessed during his time.

Meanwhile, we had the retirements of a few true greats in football. Paul Scholes hung his boots up after a quietly illustrious career spent entirely at Old Trafford. The ginger midfielder continued to play a key role in his side up until the day he called it quits. Also leaving the foray of football was Ronaldo. A player who helped define his generation, Ronaldo left behind a legacy of World Cup memories, as well as his hundreds of goals in club football.

So what can sum up this tumultuous year in football? I’m going to say Mario Balotelli. That sounds odd, but think about it: Lots of money, much craziness and unexpected events off the pitch, perhaps a little too much showboating, but underneath it all some great football. Balotelli is the embodiment of football in 2011, and that’s somewhat lovable, somewhat tragic. God himself is struggling to work out where we’ll be at the end of 2012...

SEASON AWARDS – Bear in mind these awards are for the most entertaining entities in each category, and not necessarily the best.

Team of the year: I want to give this to Blackpool, because not only were their matches always exciting, they had us intrigued during their relegation battle. However, they faded out during this season. It’s between them and Birmingham, who went through just about everything you could go through. They won the League Cup, got relegated, had a European tour, shafted their manager off to their rivals...

Sod it. Blackpool win.

Player of the Year: Mario Balotelli. He’s amazing in every sense of the word.

Game of the Year – Manchester United 1-6 Manchester City. Not only was this incredible to watch, I get the feeling it will be one of the defining games of an era. City’s domination started here.

Goal of the Year – Bryan Ruiz vs Everton. Purely for the fact that Bryan Ruiz has literally done nothing else except this one ridiculously good goal.

Numpty of the Year – Sepp Blatter. I think perhaps this award should just be the ‘Sepp Blatter Numpty of the Year’ award and have it guaranteed that he will always win it as long as he is in football. Good job, Sepp.

Manager of the Year – Steve Kean. He’s inspired more protests than raised tuition fees and yet keeps his job. He also looks like Karl Pilkington.

Bizarre Moment of the Year – Emile Heskey going mental and barging into referee Mike Jones, consequently having to be restrained by his team-mates. I mean, where the hell did that come from? It was hilarious.

Goalkeeper of the Year - Bartosz Białkowski. I think he’s only played one game this year, but it was like he was trying to recreate a Heurelho Gomes compilation reel in 90 minutes. Shockingly poor.

The WTF England Cap of the Year – Carlton Cole. He’s had seven now, and I still don’t get it.

Refereeing Decision of the Year – Jack Rodwell sent off in the Merseyside derby because... I guess the referee was in that sort of mood.

AND FINALLY, the JensonsBeard award for just being awesome goes to... Titus Bramble. It’s his forceful tackling that I like.

I would like to apologise for the previous sentence.

Christmas Time

Ahh, Christmas. I don't know what exactly it is, but I get a 'Christmas feeling' around this time of year. There's something about the atmosphere, a kind of sedating anticipation. It's hard to put your finger on it, but it's that feeling as the night falls on Christmas Eve, and the family sits around the telly with the fire on. Something in the air at that moment whispers 'christmas'.

Or maybe it's just the cold I have.

Anyway, there's an upside and a downside to all this. One of the upsides is the knowledge of imminent time off and celebrations with friends and family. Y'know, all the good stuff. You'd have to be a right monster not to look forward to that (or Jewish (oop, bit controversial)).

But the downside is the rushing. Good God, why do people shop so much more during Christmas time? I don't really understand it. It becomes chaos at the supermarket weeks before Christmas, but it's unrelenting. For some reason people are just shopping more rather than stocking up. And Christ (appropriate), they know how to dither. They're kind of like bees the way they become dim and bounce around all over the place when it gets cold.

Then again, everything gets busier. It's like humanity has decided it will come out of its houses just to get in your way over the festive period. On the Tube, on the buses, in the street. I really don't understand it. And I have a cold.

All I know is Christmas shopping is going to be a nightmare. It'll be the same people sniffing at you and trying to get to the very thing you're looking at. The same people who suddenly decide the doorway is a great place to stop and ponder the size of the universe. The same people who faff around at the tills, deciding that now is the perfect moment to request something that doesn't exist and have the cashier search the shop for it. And I have a cold.

Plus I have essays, but I won't bore you with that. Or the cold.

Anyway, here's a poem I wrote about my cold.

Winter’s Cold

It’s a bitter symphony

God has got it in for me

Sack of gunk astride my nose

Heavy head requests a doze

Frustrated mind cannot rest

Ears imbalanced, hefty chest

Sleep will be a sweet relief

If only I knew when to breathe.

I have a cold by the way.

Stop! We Want To Get Off!

Ahh, for a moment I thought we’d reached stability. Reassuringly, it’s today been revealed that Portsmouth’s parent company CSI has been declared insolvent and has gone into administration. Thank Christ, I thought we’d found someone who was fit to provide boring financial security.

The implications for this afternoon’s revelation are unclear. Whilst Portsmouth themselves are ‘not in administration’, the only funds we can be definite about are for the very non-specific ‘short-term’. That could be the next three days for all we know, so the situation could again be absolutely dire. This seems especially likely when you consider the very downbeat tone of the club's official statement.

On top of that, the FA may well be docking Portsmouth points, as their rules indicate that the insolvency of parent companies can lead to the penalties of the club. Already in a relegation fight, this would be a sturdy iron blow to an already depleted and somewhat deflated squad, and one that our money troubles will only exacerbate.

Supporters can only ask how this has happened again. Since their FA Cup triumph in 2008, Portsmouth have been passing through fiscal travesties relentlessly, and every ‘new horizon’ has proved to be further murky waters ready and willing to suck the club into the mire and drown it.

Sacha Gaydamak, Sulaiman Al-Fahim, Ali Al-Faraj and now Vladimir Antonov have all proven to be walking (yet sometimes invisible) disasters for the club. It beggars belief really. The FA’s ‘Fit and Proper Persons’ test seems to be a completely phantom process. If it had any sort of effectiveness, at least one of the above names would have been prevented from running the club.

It truly is a disgrace. Sorry, but I’m going to keep this point going. The FA has the balls to threaten clubs with the deduction of points if their owners or parent companies go into administration, and yet can’t be arsed when it comes to actually preventing these people from being involved in football in the first place. The consequences of that are now subject of a beautiful summation at Portsmouth.

Worst could come to worst here. With the club statement itself projecting a gloomy outlook on the future, a grim pessimism is possibly the wisest prediction. If Portsmouth Football Club - champions of England in 1949 and 1950, and winners of the FA Cup in 1939 and 2008 – go out of business, then the FA have tragically failed at maintaining an iconic part of the English football picture.

Being a Pompey fan has been a difficult experience over the past three seasons. It’s been a stream of terms that no football supporter likes to hear: ‘insolvency’, ‘administration’, ‘the end is nigh’, ‘Carl Dickinson’. Really, all I want is to get out of this tedious and potentially fatal roundabout, and it’s clear we need help with that from a governing body. We need someone to put us directly in the hands of someone who is interested in the team and wants to provide financial composure.

I hold out hope things will get better, as I always do, but Pompey fans have been punched into the ground so often that it’s no longer easy to conjure up the spirit that embodied our terrific fanbase. One possible subdued ray of light could come in the form of Balram Chainrai. Perhaps the only man in the last five years who offered any degree of steadiness in his time as owner, Balram will presumably be owed money by Portsmouth still, and may be able to assume control of the club. He was never particularly bothered by the club, but he did keep us alive and we have to give him credit for that.

Again though, it’s complicated and we can’t know for sure that he’ll come to our rescue again. All we can be certain of is that, once more, we need a miracle.

F1 2011: A Lovely Review

Aka: F1 2011: Why? God? Why?

This year was always going to be different. Despite the usual suspects lining up in the best cars, the goalposts had jumped to a different world. DRS and KERS, Pirelli tyres, new rules, a new Grand Prix and the promises for a great gamut of overtakes. Was it any better than 2010? Well, that’s very debatable. It certainly had its own story, but if you were forced by some oddly-specific maniac to sum it up in one word it’d have to be ‘Vettel’.

That’s really what it’s been about. Sebastian Vettel has dominated to the point of boring the F1 world with his unopposed brilliance. Landing on pole a record-breaking 15 times, and stepping on the top of the podium on 11 occasions, there was never any doubt that Vettel was going to run far away with the title. It wasn’t an exciting championship win – Vettel made a habit of pulling out ridiculous leads into the first lap of races, earning him an untouchable position before the Grand Prix had really begun.

While an exhibition of a driver’s excellence, this sort of victory is something that a viewer will struggle to enjoy. There was little in the way of overtaking or battling this year for Vettel (albeit he did pull off a couple of wonderful moves during the year – namely in Italy), so the ‘Championship fight’ was more of a marathon round the world Sunday Drive for the young German.

You can’t blame Vettel though. Clearly he had a car that was burning the eyes of other drivers through sheer jealousy, and Sebastian just knew how to use it. His teammate Mark Webber had the same machinery available to him, and in contrast had a whisper of a year. Somewhat consistently, he carved out 10 podium finishes during the year, including his race win at the season finale in Brazil, which helped him to third place in the Championship. However, when you look at what Vettel achieved over the year, Mark has to be seen as having underperformed. On the few occasions that Vettel faultered, Mark was rarely there to compensate and convert the fortune into victory.

It’s possible that Webber is still ruing the way in which his title hopes faded in 2010, angrily stomping around in his home and shouting at pictures of Vettel. Perhaps it’s affected his form significantly for this year. I mean, that’s speculation, but I’m going to run with it because it goes well with my next point. It’s thereby difficult to decipher how well other drivers have performed comparatively, as their cars were likely not up to the challenge this season.

However, we can say that Jenson Button has had a very good year, because I’m a fanbo… I mean, he’s put in some terrific drives over the season and looked much sharper and more consistent than McLaren buddy Lewis Hamilton. Button’s performance at Canada seeped enough class to last a season. It was utterly breathtaking.

After Jenson’s title win in 2009, many believed he’d had his moment in the sun and burnt himself out henceforth, but I think his fictional ‘Best of the Rest’ award has shown that with the right car, Jenson can be a challenger in the seasons ahead. He’s by no means the paciest driver on the grid, but he has a real intelligence and anticipation that gives him a cooler head than the feisty young boy racers of this generation. He’s been compared to Alain Prost, and I can see why (despite the fact I was barely alive when Alain Prost was racing).

What of Lewis though? He’s been hanging around the paddock with the face of a child who’s been told Father Christmas isn’t real. Such is the depression of Hamilton that he ended up taking it out on poor Felipe Massa, bumping him all over the track and just being a general bully. OK, that’s an over-dramatisation. I think the Hamilton-Massa saga (one of the most interesting subplots of the season) was partly down to the misfortune of them coincidentally ending up on the same bit of track. No-one can deny the over-aggression between the two though, and their seeming magnetism has been somewhat of a problem.

They apparently had a hug and patched things up yesterday. Well, good for them. Lewis really needs to clear his head of the demons that have persistently pecked at him over the year, and a fresh start with Massa is a good signal. He will hopefully be back to form over 2012 (and by that I mean going past people as opposed to going into them).

For Massa though, his days are numbered I feel. As much as I like to credit him as an excellent driver, he too seems to have suffered from missing out on a title. Since 2008, the old Felipe that had a vibrant streak capable of pushing him to the front of the pack has completely vanished. Instead, the Brazilian failed to finish in any position above fifth throughout the season. That’s undeniably shoddy, especially considering that Alonso conjured up numerous podiums and a race victory.

Ahh, Fernando. As much as he is the man I love to hate, I must admit I miss seeing him and his hairy eyebrows in a title fight. Clearly an unbelievably strong driver, Alonso has had another season in the relative abyss. It should be a dream for him to be at Ferrari. It seems the two were a match made in heaven, but the Scuderia has let the Spaniard down, and he will be getting slightly itchy feet again should the team fail to deliver once more.

I think that covers the top 6. There have been so many stories this year though. Mercedes has continued to be the best of the chasing pack, with Schumacher beginning to get into his stride a little more. Seven-time champion Schumi still fell behind his teammate Rosberg, but not without showing us the odd spark of class. His fight with Hamilton during the Italian Grand Prix just showed how much spirit the old dog still has, and it will be fascinating to see if he can continue to improve in his third comeback season, and indeed, if that season will be his last (again).

The disaster continued for Williams, which has been one of the most tragic sights in F1 (only topped by Eddie Jordan’s dress sense). Their results have been simply terrible. They amassed a pathetic 5 points over the year, and didn’t look up to task at all. For Rubens Barrichello, the team’s tumultuous year will probably see him forced into retirement. For Pastor Maldonado it’s… awkward. He replaced Nico Hulkenberg as a much maligned ‘pay-driver’. He had a super act to follow, with Hulkenberg looking solid in 2010 and delivering a hugely unexpected pole position at Brazil. However, the Venezuelan was poor, and did nothing to please those who doubt the fairness of the involvement of pay-drivers.

It was the debut season for a Brit (the first time since Lewis Hamilton’s maiden year in 2007). Paul di Resta may not have set the world alight in the same way Hamilton did, but he performed very capably with the Force India and was a strong number two for Adrian Sutil. His form dipped after a quality start to 2011, but Di Resta proved himself to be someone with, at least, a mellow future in F1. As for Sutil, it seems quite likely that he will be replaced for 2012. I don’t understand this, as Sutil has appeared to have taken Force India quite far in his six years at the team (two when they were Spyker). If Sutil is shafted, I can see him being an excellent replacement for any team in need of a driver.

It was a bad year for Robert Kubica. Injured weeks before the season started, the rehabilitation of his hand movements have taken longer than expected, and it seems that Renault are beginning to consider a future without Bobby. It would be an enormous shame if Kubica’s career is over. He’s easily one of the most talented drivers to have emerged over the past few years, and I had him down as a dead cert for a championship. In fact, more than that. A completely destroyed, mutilated cert. However, it may never be.

Other than that, they were all either new rubbish teams, or a bit boring, so I’m not going to go on about individual stories. What of the other big topics of the year? DRS for example has split the Formula One opinion base right down the middle (with little cracks to either side for when it made a good race or not). It has no doubt increased overtaking, but in an artificial way. Dull races have been somewhat livened up by the new system, but perhaps at a greater cost for F1. If a car is within the one second mark of the driver ahead for the whole race, he is going to get a massive advantage over the car behind him. It’s a small, yet significant, imbalance.

I’d be more inclined towards a ‘push-to-pass’ system. Everyone has a set amount of times they can use the DRS, and it’s not based on any relation to other cars. That way, the benefits of DRS can be utilised without incurring the potential unfairness of the system. KERS is fine, it does the job without causing much fuss and it seems to work as a constant defence mechanism without being too effective.

The tyres have been another big feature of the season. Pirelli promised that their tyres would degrade very quickly, and would make racing more exciting. Despite this, teams seem to have coped quite well with the Pirellis. The ‘cliff’ has not been quite as immediate as the company suggested, and at worst the teams have had to do a four-stop strategy. However, I think the tyres have made for interesting racing, and Pirelli have done a good job. I do wonder what direction they’ll go in next year – hopefully they’ll go for more aggression and degradation.

One more thing to comment on – the Indian Grand Prix. Contrary to most Tilke circuits, this one looked very exciting, and had the potential to throw up a classic. In the end, it was a bit of a letdown, with Vettel leading every single lap. However, I like the circuit and there seemed to be interest from the Indian F1 supporters. I think it will become a good mainstay for Grand Prix racing over the coming years, and hopefully Karun Chandhok won’t be cruelly snatched of his chance to race in his country.

That just about wraps things up. I’m going to end the year with my seasonal awards (which I literally made up as I wrote the preceding sentence).

DRIVER OF THE YEAR

Well, that’s too easy. SEBASTIAN VETTEL is a worthy champion, and a worthy winner of this award.

RACE OF THE YEAR

Canada was an absolute classic, that will be talked about for many seasons to come. Surely one of Button’s finest performances, coming from the very back of the pack to win the race in the last lap. Extraordinary. Jenson also wins DRIVE OF THE YEAR for that.

SURPRISE PACKAGE OF THE YEAR (TEAM)

Very tricky, because no team outside the big three stood out. SAUBER had some good races though, so I’ll (hesitantly) pick them.

SURPRISE PACKAGE OF THE YEAR (DRIVER)

PAUL DI RESTA was not expected to seem as comfortable as he did in his opening Grand Prix season. Di Resta also gets my ROOKIE OF THE YEAR award.

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR (TEAM)

No doubt. WILLIAMS.

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR (DRIVER)

I don’t want to continue the Williams hate. I would say Pastor Maldonado, but instead I’ll plum for FELIPE MASSA.

NUMPTY OF THE YEAR

Ok, I will give this one to PASTOR MALDONADO for his utterly stupid move on Lewis Hamilton during the Belgian Grand Prix qualifying.

BROADCASTER OF THE YEAR

MARTIN BRUNDLE has moved into the main commentary position seamlessly, with all the professionalism, clarity and sharp analysis you could hope for.

And finally… THE JB AWARD FOR DODGING THE LIMELIGHT

JAIME ALGUERSUARI. Doing enough to impress, but not enough to capture our attentions. Nice one Jaime.

Why Winter's Awesome

I love winter. I love the biting cold, the fresh greyness in the air and the early nightfall. Not in a depressing way, I hasten to add. It's just a genuinely nice time of year. Summer has its moments. You'd be an absolute monster not to enjoy the brazen warmth, the barbecues on the beach and the lovely long holidays. However, there's too many downsides to summer. For one, when you're having a sleep, do you have the quilt on or off? On and you're boiling, off and you're cold. It's a real dilemma.

The big difference between the two is the insects. They're everywhere in summer, and I really hate those little bumblers. Their callous, dull lack of thought makes them stupid and clumsy and that infuriates me. How dare they be so primitive? They just blissfully bump their way in and out of rooms like the tiny oafs they are, annoying you with their incessant, impetuous and, quite frankly, rude tapping and buzzing. They think they're it.

That's why I like winter. They go away, like they should. I don't know whether the climate's changing or something though, because in recent years they really have started to cling on to consciousness regardless of the cold. Yesterday an enormous imbecile of a bee managed to squeeze its way through my ever-so-slightly ajar window, thickly bumping its head against the glass trying to get back outside again. It just made me think "You know what? Honey isn't worth it. Why are these things still around when they're just so... thick?".

I'm not phobic or anything, but for some reason insects boil my blood. I think its their ignorance. Or perhaps it has something to do with a giant spider I encountered a year ago. I say I'm not phobic, but I have to admit, I'm not a fan of the big spiders. Last year I was having a sleep and I could hear some rustling. I turned on my iPod to search around the room and sitting above me on the wall was the biggest monster of a spider I'd ever witnessed. Six inches, I measured (guessed).

I turned the light on, but the little dumb cretin fell off the wall behind the bed, so I basically couldn't sleep that night. I know that sounds really pathetic, but when a leggy beast like that is wandering about, capable of being idiotic enough to tumble around the bed, it's never going to be the best night's kip, is it?

In the end, I caught it the next night after an intense battle of wits (it sat on a curve on the wall, so I couldn't trap it in a bowl - in the end I kept throwing socks at it until it fell off and then I got it). But again, there's no reason why all that trouble should have happened. Why does a spider ever need to be that big? What good comes out of a stupid thing like that sitting in a house (other than a rather funny YouTube video)?

As insects go though, we have it pretty mild. I hate to imagine what it's like in Australia though. Spiders are reportedly one of the major causes of road accidents, as some of the giant ones like to live in cars and people freak out when they suddenly emerge onto the dashboard. Furthermore, someone on the internet posted a video of what looked like a wobbly bit of felt just blobbing around on the wall. It was the strangest abomination you'll ever see, and if I was a theist I'd be thinking "Why, God? What was this all about?"

In the end, they're all a bit pointless (apart from on the food chain and other boring scientific things like that). Meh. Bring on the frostiness. I love winter anyway, but the temporary eradication of the insects is the (here comes the joke) ice-ing on the cake.

Boas Constricted

You're a young football manager. You've just won the Division Four title with Titchy United. Suddenly the phone rings. You excitedly press it to your ear, and it's Richy Moneybags, the chairman of MegaGiant Rovers (the champions of the Premiership). He wants you to replace the retiring Beloved McAwesome as manager. Are you ready for it? No. But you're not willing to turn down a shot at the title. You enthusiastically mutter "Yesss" over the phone, and a contract is sent your way.

It all goes wrong though. Through inexperience, you fail to get the stubborn millionaires in the team to perform in the first three months and Moneybags calls you into his gigantic office made of solid gold. He licks his fat lips and dismisses you with an iron grin. You beg, plead, implore. He looks down his nose at you and points to the door. Your career is over. His never will be.

Pull away from that dramatisation, and we have a slight resemblance in the Andre Villas-Boas situation. The 34-year old is apparently already "under pressure" according to certain media outlets, having only been in the Chelsea hotseat for three months. Several recent defeats leave the Blues in fifth; a far cry from their initial title ambitions.

However, when you appoint a very young, inexperienced manager, what do you expect? Though Villas-Boas' success with Porto was immediate, the canyon between the Portuguese and English leagues is vast. It is wildly unrealistic to expect Villas-Boas to win the title in his first season at Chelsea, and if Abramovich really appointed him with such instant achievements in mind, he really has no idea how to run a football club.

I was of the opinion that the implementation of such a young manager was a plan for stability at the club. With him in charge, a few seasons of leeway could be given as he built the team up and worked out his style of play, allowing him to gradually make a squad stronger than Chelsea have ever had. Though a rare example, Sir Alex Ferguson now defines the rewards of this patient approach, with his first few years in charge being a huge struggle before the part of the story where you go "the rest is history".

However, if the suggestions of Villas-Boas being under pressure are true, the patient approach is thrown away completely. The Portuguese manager has at least shown certain levels of competence, bringing in the excellent Juan Mata and keeping the team tight to the top four. It would be a little bit insane not to even give him to the January transfer window in order to get things the way he wants them.

If Andre Villas-Boas is sacked within the first season of his reign, the board must admit they made a huge error. Ancelotti was presumably fired because they felt a replacement would bring more trophies in the long run. They had to pick his successor carefully to ensure this, and Chelsea aren't exactly the sort of side that will struggle for resources when looking for the man they want. They went for Villas-Boas, fully aware that his lack of experience would mean he'd need a few months to get to grips with the English game.

It's all about how Chelsea wanted to approach the appointment of a new manager, and they went for the young, long-term option. Sacking him now would be an admission of failure. Villas-Boas, I'm sure, is doing his job to the best of his ability at the moment, and it's not his fault if that isn't enough.

A Sepp too far.

Sepp Blatter has always been a bit of a knob. That’s by no means the most eloquent opening sentence I’ve ever used, but I don’t think there’s any need to be more whimsical and articulate about it. Sepp Blatter is a knob, and an impressively persistent one at that. Blatter has made a game out of being a walking, talking disaster, and his career has revolved around outdoing his previous stupidity.

Now he’s gone and said something a fair bit more idiotic than usual. Yes, even crazier than his comments about how women’s football should introduce hot pants to make it more popular. Even more ill-judged than his comparison of footballers to slaves. Even more bizarre than his idea of scrapping the offside rule. Even more insensitive than his comments that homosexual supporters should “refrain from sexual activity” in Qatar. If they gave awards for foolish statements, Sepp Blatter would have a trophy cabinet the size of London. This week, Blatter accomplished his pièce de résistance.

“There is no racism” Blatter remarked, adding “The one affected by this should say this is a game and shake hands”.

“Congratulations Blatter” cried football. “What awesome timing and understanding”.

It’s not difficult to see where the controversy is coming from. To even suggest that a victim of racial abuse should shake his perpetrators hand is an inexplicable point to make. There’s a reason Wayne Bridge doesn’t shake John Terry’s hand anymore – Because when someone else has done something wrong, it’s their obligation to appease the situation, not the victim’s. Blatter’s comments, though I’m sure he didn’t quite mean it as strongly as this, suggest a ‘get over it attitude’.

It’s difficult to know what Blatter was really thinking when he made these comments, but I’ll give it a shot. I believe that Blatter was getting fed up with the alleged racism on the pitch, didn’t see it as a problem and wanted to deny it outright in order to squash the situation entirely. However, it’s backfired spectacularly because if anything, the head of football’s governing body showing a lack of compassion for victims of racial abuse on the pitch is only going to add a ton of coal to the fire.

It’s usually important not to overreact to these statements, especially considering the obstacle of the antagonist having to break through the language barrier. Often I think it’s worth giving the benefit of the doubt in these situations, because things can so easily be misconstrued and the media can make more of certain comments that were perhaps unintended.

For example, a few weeks ago Man United ‘keeper Tomasz Kuszczak was vilified for using the term ‘slave’ in describing his situation at the club. Whilst the comparison is senseless, nobody can claim that they have never hyperbolised a bit. I think Kuszczak’s faux pas was just a small misunderstanding, but all it took was one of these instances and the press could paint it as an indictment of the ‘out-of-touch’ footballers.

However, I don’t think we can give Blatter any leeway here. He not only made some very clear statements (“There is no racism… shake hands”), but he is the head of FIFA. That shouldn’t be a position you attain if you can’t say what you mean, and you make comments contrary to your intentions. Sepp Blatter is not someone who is constantly misunderstood. Like I said, he’s a knob.

FIFA image has collapsed more dramatically than the Berlin Wall. They have totally lost the confidence of the fans thanks to repeated poor decisions and allegations of corruption. They desperately need a change, and I think it’s about time that the master of the gaffe himself stepped down. Like a true artist, Blatter has finished with his final flourish – a beautifully crass comment about racial abuse. Now he must step down.

The England Mentality Paradox

England 1-0 Spain. I’ll repeat that. England 1-0 Spain. Whenever we get one of these results, where we either beat the champions or give a decent team a good thrashing, there seems only to be two types of reaction from England supporters. The first (and I believe much less frequent) response is to reach a delirium that inspires the fan to spout ridiculous idealistic predictions, such as “WOO WE BEAT SPAIN WE’RE GOING TO WIN THE WORLD CUP” or “Strewth lads, we must be top of the tree if we can beat them fellas”. I get the feeling that the media likes to paint this sort of picture more than the fans though. I think the reactionaries have become more embittered towards the national team over the years.

The second camp is one of downbeat derision, looking to instantly play down every notion of success in case, heaven forbid, we may enjoy a victory. They’ll say things like “Yeah, we won, but we’ve got a long way to go to be up there with Spain” or “Blimey geezers, this ain’t no World Cup we just won, it was a pointless little friendly”. This type of supporter is desperate not to be seen as one of the ‘reactionaries’, and so their first retort is to frantically detract from the win as soon as the final whistle is blown. As time has gone on, this has seemed to become a more and more common response.

It’s funny that we judge our performances as a national team by our potential. We tend to disregard the game itself, and analyse what every performance ‘meant’ for the future and how this bodes for the upcoming tournament. In this case you could say that it comes down to the fact that the game was just a friendly, but we do tend to look far ahead after Qualifiers as well. The pundits after the game are always predicting where each players’ place is in the squad, and whether or not the performance as a whole was worthy of the next major competition.

When did we forget that we can just enjoy a game? I’d be a massive hypocrite for saying we shouldn’t analyse, but surely the overriding emotion from Saturday’s match deserves to be “What a bloody excellent result”? If we were to ignore the Euros completely, we could enjoy the fact that we beat the best team in the world. We weren’t going to outplay them, but through our grit and determination we pulled off a tremendously unexpected result.

If you were to replicate this situation with a club (Let’s say for example, if QPR beat Chelsea), the response would be completely different. There would be no detraction from the result or worrying over not performing and there’d be no analysis of who has earned his place in the team. It’s just a reaction to the game itself, and usually one of total euphoria. It has nothing to do with crazy hype over the team’s potential in the league, and it has nothing to do with holding back or downplaying the result. It is what it is, and fans celebrate it as that. This is how it should be.

Why is the mentality different though? Perhaps it’s to do with the attitude towards the England team these days, which is lukewarm at the very best. Either way, I’d love to relish England victories in the same way I do Portsmouth ones, but inevitably we get bogged down in the analysis, the predictions, the post-amble, the hype, the anxiety. Let’s not have that for once. Let’s just enjoy the fact that England beat the best team on the planet.

An All-Time Pompey XI

From someone who's sort of quite still young 'n' that.



There's no celebration. I'm not marking any anniversary. But out of boredom (and reminiscence), I'm going to reel off my favourite Pompey XI from my 19 years of life thus far (6 of which were infancy, and thus not particularly contributive to this article). It's worth pointing out that you only get a really good idea of which players are the best aged about ten, so I think the choices are going to be from about 2002 forward. Therefore, the Premier League years will naturally dominate.


In honour of Steve Cotterill, it's a 4-4-2. Without further ado, let's get into it...


GOALKEEPER


Not really much question here. David James marked himself out as one of the most extraordinary goalkeepers to have ever worn the Pompey shirt in his four years at the club. He turned up at Fratton Park from Manchester City, with his reputation suffering from multiple high-profile blunders. Harry Redknapp knew to put his faith into James, and it paid off huge dividends. James made incredible stops and was a pivotal part of the biggest successes Portsmouth enjoyed. Indeed, in the 2008 FA Cup he was called into action many times, with a penalty save against Preston and a performance of immeasurable quality against Manchester United to help us to the trophy.


Despite being rather aged during his spell on the South Coast, his reflexes were in tip-top shape, and he consistently showed the passion and drive to perform for the team. To cap this off, David James was a great contributor to the community, cementing him as a fan-favourite. Eventually his contract ran out, and with his last game for Pompey being at Wembley in the 2010 FA Cup Final, James left for Bristol City.


Honourable mentions: Alan Knight, Shaka Hislop...


RIGHT-BACK

This isn't a particularly difficult choice either. Glen Johnson was able to rebuild himself at Portsmouth, having been shifted out of the Chelsea picture. Initially joining the club on loan, his first season showed us a great deal of attacking panache (including a wonderful solo-goal against Wigan), albeit his defensive game left a bit to be desired. Nevertheless, in making his move permanent for the 2007-2008 season he had upped his game significantly, and proved himself to be an absolute rock in defence whilst offering the attacking exploits of his game in a more thoughtful manner. It worked wonders for us and him, as he pushed himself back into the England picture.



In his third and final season at the club, Johnson stayed firmly committed to the team despite Redknapp's departure and a January exodus. He carried on putting in excellent performances, seeing him earn his place in the PFA Team of the Year. Johnson also won Goal of the Season with a spectacular 30-yard volley against Hull, which the fans that day will never forget.


Honourable mentions: No other right-back stands out...


CENTRE-BACKS

There are a few good candidates here. However, one player unmistakably deserves his place on this team-sheet, and that is Linvoy Primus. Linvoy embodies a dogged and undeterred spirit, having been told time and time again that he had gone as far as he could. Joining from Reading in 2000, Primus had a very hectic beginnings to his Pompey life with own goals, red cards and multiple managerial changes all playing a part. Eventually Redknapp was put in charge, and although Harry had initial doubts over Primus' ability, injuries forced him to play the defender and Primus rose to the challenge. His sturdy and impassioned displays during the promotion season of 2002-03 earned him the Portsmouth Player of the Year award.



As the team moved up to the Premier League, Primus once again found himself fighting a battle to win a place in the team, but persistence pushed him back into the team on multiple occasions. Undoubtedly his best period for Portsmouth was the 2006-2007 season where he formed a partnership with Sol Campbell. Together, they were absolutely unbeatable in defence, and Linvoy matched his more reputable team-mate in every department.


Sadly, a knee injury got the better of Primus the following year, and he was forced to retire in 2009. However, he continued to play a huge role in the community, and his outstanding services led to the Milton End being renamed 'The Linvoy Primus Community Stand'. He continues to get involved with the club, and the fans continue to be appreciative of what Linvoy provided for the team in so many different times of joy and difficulty.


Alongside him, I have chosen to put Sol Campbell. It's still quite extraordinary that Campbell ever chose to play for Portsmouth, given that he was a centre-back of world-class quality, without doubt up there with Rio Ferdinand and John Terry at his peak. Arriving straight from Arsenal on a free in 2006, Campbell instantly showed the fans his brilliance, forming the aforementioned partnership with Linvoy Primus in his first year. His experience and defensive skill was a major part of the team as Portsmouth finished 9th that first year.



In his second season at the club, Campbell captained Portsmouth to their FA Cup triumph at Wembley. It was the first time Portsmouth had won the trophy for 69 years, and Sol Campbell was there as the first person to hold it aloft before the Pompey fans. His strong defensive performances alongside Sylvain Distin that year meant that Portsmouth only conceded one goal during the entire FA Cup, as well as assuring the team into 8th place in the league.


In his final season, Campbell's effect had undeniably waned. While Distin continued to look solid, Campbell began to seem slower and less sharp. He left in 2009 on a free, going on to bizarrely join Notts County for a single game.


Honourable mentions: Arjan De Zeeuw, Sylvain Distin, Younes Kaboul...


LEFT-BACK

My choice here is Matthew Taylor. That's perhaps cheating a little bit, since he tended to play left-wing a lot more often, but I don't care. It's my team and I'll do what I like.



Taylor joined the club from Luton back in 2002, and was to become a strong part of Portsmouth's promotion team. As well as his forward runs down the flanks, Taylor's goals contributed to the successes of that year. Following an injury, Taylor seamlessly made the transition into Premier League football, continuing in his attacking-left-back role. His equaliser against Liverpool in the FA Cup was a memorable moment, as he sprinted the length of Anfield to celebrate with the Pompey fans.


However, Taylor was still playing intermittently for the team, and in the end it was surprisingly Alain Perrin who managed to utilise him best. Throwing him into midfield, Taylor became more effective and notably scored an amazing 40-yard goal against Sunderland. When Redknapp returned, Taylor continued in his left-wing role and scored more important goals in the 'Great Escape' of 2006. This included crucial and nerve-wracking penalties in the return fixture against Sunderland and the game away to Wigan (the latter of which sealed Portsmouth's survival).


Taylor carried on playing excellently for Portsmouth. The following season saw him score perhaps the most extraordinary Pompey goal of all time. Taylor, spotting Tim Howard off his line, launched a 45-yard volley that sailed into the back of the net, much to the awe of Fratton Park. However, as more money was thrown at the team, Taylor started to find himself left out by Redknapp, who instead plumped for Niko Kranjcar in his role. Eventually, Taylor left for Bolton, where he continued to score stunning goals.



Honourable Mentions: Hermann Hreidarsson, Dejan Stefanovic...


RIGHT-MIDFIELD

I was ready to put Gary O'Neil into this role, and I feel perhaps a little silly to stick him aside for someone who only played 13 games for the club. However, Andres D'Alessandro left such an impact on the club that for the briefness of his time at Portsmouth, he was still totally unforgettable. Joining the club on loan during the 'Great Escape', D'Alessandro wowed the fans with his incredible technique and wonderful passing. He was the sort of class that made a team 'too good to go down', and there's a definite case to say that without him, we may well have been relegated that year.


His only goal for the team was a superb dribble followed by a 25-yard piledriver, a summation of the quality D'Alessandro bought to the club. Redknapp's attempts to sign him on a permanent basis were unfortunately futile, but D'Alessandro is still a name that leaves Pompey fans drooling over the memories of his awesome skill.



Honourable mentions: Gary O'Neil, Steve Stone...


Centre-Midfielders

It'd be impossible not to put Lassana Diarra in this role. He was perhaps the best footballer ever to play for Portsmouth, bearing unbelievable power and strength, and possessing the ability to pass a ball to just about anywhere on the pitch. Having been shafted by both Chelsea and Arsenal, Diarra joined Pompey in the January of 2008. He immediately showed his worth by playing and scoring in the team's FA Cup match against Plymouth, and consequently going on to play every minute during the rest of that historic FA Cup run.



His performances saw him recalled to the France squad, and in the following year Diarra scored Portsmouth's first European goal. It was a fantastic piece of passing, movement and power that was more than worthy of such a landmark. People then started to wonder if Diarra was perhaps the most incredible player who'd ever played for the club.


As the funds suddenly dried up Diarra was sold to Real Madrid for £20m. No animosity was held towards Diarra's decision to move, and I can be certain he'd be welcome back at Fratton Park any time.


My other choice is Pedro Mendes. It's perhaps true to say that all of his Pompey flashpoints revolved around Manchester City. However, that detracts from the fact that Mendes was a key part of both the 'Great Escape', the following excellent season and the FA Cup win. Signed from Tottenham in January 2006, Mendes was the catalyst for the run that saw Pompey survive that year. With Portsmouth drawing 1-1 at home to Man City, it seemed that it would be another frustrating result and that all hope was lost. However, in the 93rd minute, a corner kick was headed clear, and Mendes picked up the ball from 30-yards out and thumped it for all it was worth. It went in, and I've never heard such a roar at Fratton Park. It was without doubt the spark that begun the fire, as Pompey went on to play with such supreme confidence and survive.



The next season, Mendes once again found himself in the middle of things as Man City defender Ben Thatcher threw an elbow at Mendes in a disgusting challenge. It left Mendes unconscious and he suffered a seizure on his was to hospital. Thatcher was rightly punished. Later on in the year, Mendes repeated his famous goal against Man City with another beautiful 25-yard screamer before Joey Barton's hefty challenge meant once again, he was stretchered off with injury.


Amidst these incidents were breathtaking and passionate performances, which enamoured him to the Pompey fans. He left in 2008 for Rangers.


Honourable mentions: Paul Merson, Jamie O'Hara...


LEFT-MIDFIELDER

I'm perhaps taking a few extra liberties on positioning here, but Robert Prosinecki was so good, you could stick him anywhere in midfield and he'd be tremendous. Again, his time at the club was limited to just one season (that being the rather unremarkable 2001-02 season). However, Prosinecki's legendary performances will forever go down as one of the great joys of watching Portsmouth throughout the years. 



His transfer to the club is one of those barely credible tales of a player putting himself well below his level of quality. Prosinecki's signing was met with bafflement, as well as excitement. He delivered all he promised, with his one-man displays showing he was still world class and helping the team notch up enough points to stay up that year. One highlight was his hat-trick during the 4-4 draw with Barnsley, with his free-kicks and dribbling on top form that day.


Prosinecki left after that one season, but is extremely highly regarded by Pompey fans.


Honourable mentions: Patrik Berger...



STRIKERS

Tough one. Yakubu is certainly worthy of mention though, with his goals being perhaps the most important part of our early stability in the Premier League. The Nigerian joined Portsmouth from Maccabi Haifa in 2003, after Sir Alex Ferguson recommended him to Harry Redknapp. Though his addition to the squad was late on into the promotion campaign, Yakubu still managed to score 7 goals in his first season, playing a crucial role in those later months. He then really announced himself to English football by having a marvellously prolific season the following year. He scored 19 goals (It may well have been 20, but Redknapp promised him a bonus if he reached 20... on the last day of the season Yakubu had scored 4 against Middlesbrough with 60 minutes gone, so Redknapp decided to take him off and spare himself a bit of extra cash).



His demeanour was perhaps not that of someone like Benjani, who battles away and works for every ball, but Yakubu had the killer instinct when it came to goalscoring. Despite interest from clubs in 2004, Yakubu chose to stay at Portsmouth and put in another good season's worth of goals, before eventually moving to Middlesbrough.


It was very difficult to pick my other choice. Just look at the honourable mentions below, and you'll see the amount of worth candidates for this role. In the end, I went for Benjani. Yes, he may not have had the goals that Yakubu had, and he may not have had the iconic moments of someone like Kanu. Despite that, Benjani's work ethic made him a firm favourite and contributed bucketloads during his first spell at Portsmouth. Joining in January 2006, Benjani took a painfully long time to find his maiden goal in the league. The fans remained faithful to Benjani though, recognising his willingness to throw everything in for the team and the way he played such a key role in attacking build-up.



His first goal finally came away to Wigan, in the game that sealed Portsmouth's survival that season. Although the goals didn't come flooding in for Benjani the following year, he did play a key role in the club's high league position. He scored winners against Wigan, Liverpool and Newcastle that year, and his magnificent work-rate never waned.


In the 2007-2008 season, Benjani became the goalscorer he'd always threatened to be, with hat-tricks against Reading and Derby pushing him to the top of the scoring charts in December. However, in January Redknapp decided to replace Benjani with Defoe, and the Zimbabwean was shipped out to Man City (in spite of his best efforts to remain - Benjani "fell asleep" and missed two flights to Manchester). He has since returned to Portsmouth for this season, but has yet to really regain full fitness and show the former class he possessed.


Honourable mentions: Nwankwo Kanu, Svetoslav Todorov, Lomano Lua-Lua, Teddy Sheringham


So that's my Portsmouth XI (I could have written all day about that). Let's hope the next few season give the fans more entries to consider.



GK: David James


DR: Glen Johnson
DC: Linvoy Primus
DC: Sol Campbell
DL: Matthew Taylor


MR: Andres D'Alessandro
MC: Lassana Diarra
MC: Pedro Mendes
ML: Robert Prosinecki


ST: Yakubu Aiyegbeni
ST: Benjani Mwaruwari

The Folly of Diouf

He’s a bit of a numpty, but sometimes football isn’t the right place for moral postulating.

It was yesterday announced that Senegalese striker El-Hadji Diouf had found himself a new home at the Keepmoat Stadium. Doncaster, who are currently joint-bottom of the Championship, had delved into the dark pits of football’s utterly despicable characters and plucked the most vile, putrid and contemptible human capable of wearing a football shirt out from the stench-filled cavern. Those monsters! How could they?!!!

It’s relatively well-realised that El-Hadji Diouf is one of the most awful people in football. His early career in English football was reminiscent of a lawn sprinkler, with numerous incidents of spitting on players, fans and practically anyone who came within a few feet of him. One of the most grotesquely nasty incidents involving Diouf was during last season’s FA Cup, where Diouf abused Jamie Mackie as he lay on the floor with a broken leg. Following the incident, Neil Warnock insinuated that Diouf was lower in people’s estimations than a sewer rat (thereby tying him with Neil Warnock in many people’s estimations).

But still, Doncaster successfully pursued him. There’s much debate about whether signing a player like Diouf, a man with unquestionable talent, is good for a football club when the man has displayed such a tremendously appalling character in his career. Is it right for a team to be seen justifying the man’s previous incidents with a fresh new contract?

This has been a case made many time before. Marlon King and Lee Hughes are just two examples of players whose reputations suffered following incidents of a much more serious nature than those of Diouf’s. Regardless, both players have gone on to help their clubs achieve more success, and the questions of their former lives gradually faded away from the fans’ thoughts as they performed in games and scored goals.

I think the truth is that whether or not it is right for a person of Diouf’s attitude to be rewarded and paid so fruitfully, it is not the issue of the football club. Of course a team can make a point of not signing a player if they feel it goes against their values, and this would be a nice thing to do, but in many cases it’s just not a situation where being picky and choosy is an option.

Take, for example, Doncaster. They are bottom of the Championship and could well be in a big relegation scrap this year. If Diouf’s goals help them to stay up, the fans won’t have their party spoiled by the fact that Diouf played a role in the survival. That’s just not how things work. Some ambitions in football are too important for the moral high-ground to get in the way, and it would have been no solace to Doncaster if they had turned Diouf down and then got relegated.

Following the death of Colonel Gaddafi, I was pondering the fact that at one time during Portsmouth’s seeming descent into financial meltdown, Gaddafi’s son was rumoured to be interested in buying the club. Given how events turned out, it’s quite good that this didn’t happen, but at the time I was quite comfortable with the thought of a Gaddafi running Portsmouth. Despite the disgusting history of the family, all I wanted was to see my club survive the turmoil, and if that meant allowing the son of a murderous dictator running affairs, well, so be it.

You can accuse me of being a morally bankrupt cur (no idea if that’s an insult, but it sounded nice). Perhaps that’s true, but sometimes in life bad people get good things. It’s a matter of fact, and I don’t think football is the cause of this, nor will it spark the movement that prevents this. Anyone looking to football as a bastion of moral fabric in our society is completely mental. Besides, it’s not like Diouf’s killed anyone…

Best season ever?

Cor! 8-2! Blimey! 6-1! Wowzers! 5-3! Swizzle! 4-3!

Just some of the sounds you will have no doubt heard during this year’s Premier League season. And there’s no question such unrepressed emotion about the football so far is justified. Defences seem to have gone to sleep whilst attackers are running riot. The top teams are collapsing against one another leaving the title race gaping, whilst the bottom teams battle on in promise of a gutsy relegation fight.

This year was perfectly poised to be an absolute classic. Manchester United’s rather uninspiring summer signings looked like it would put them in difficult stead for the year. In contrast, their rivals Man City could boast a gamut of new recruits that gave them the potential to really tough it out with the big boys. Meanwhile, Chelsea would have to deal with another new manager, Arsenal seemed to be crumbling, Liverpool were resurgent. It was going to be amazing.

And by God, has it delivered, but perhaps not in the way we expected. United remained relatively firm up until their hammering at the hands of Man City. Their transfer deals looked to be working a treat with Jones holding firm in defence and Young adding a classy creative spark up front. Furthermore, youngsters such as Cleverley and Welbeck began to look the finished article, integrating themselves into the first eleven seamlessly.

However, the aforementioned thrashing by Manchester City has certainly rubber stamped a more-than-worthy challenge from United’s pesky rivals. City’s potential was really up in the air until that first whistle was blown – nobody knew if the team was truly going to hack it at the top following their FA Cup victory. Also, with so many fresh faces thrown into the side, it was not impossible for the team to become unbalanced.

Despite this, they have absolutely flourished in the league this year. The team looks strong in every department and certain players, such as David Silva and Edin Dzeko, ooze quality. Few would doubt the title credentials of City, who are having a season that speaks parallels with Chelsea first EPL title win in 2005. That said, if they are the best side in the league it’s not by a huge margin, and with this in mind it’s all setting up for an epic Battle of Manchester this year.

But what of Chelsea? The team who often threaten to dominate during the early stages of the year? With Andre Villas-Boas in charge it could be said, with due fairness, that this is a transitional season for Chelsea. A manager so young will need time to develop his own team and style, but this is not to say Chelsea are definitely out of the title race this year. So far they have played some impressive football, with Mata looking all the £24m that was paid for him. However, the defence looks jaded, as evidenced by the 5-3 thriller that saw Chelsea defeated. Furthermore, Torres still isn’t back to form and it looks like Drogba and Anelka are starting to wane.

The other contenders would normally be Arsenal; however they have been through a real crisis at the start of this season. An uninspiring start was followed by the stupendously tragic 8-2 defeat to Man United. Since then they have been inconsistent and haven’t looked at all like title challengers. Only Robin van Persie’s extraordinary form has kept heads above water in North London, and his influence has been enough to see the team win a few games and rise to 7^th. It’s perhaps not a complete disaster, but it’s certainly not encouraging for The Gunners.

And how about Liverpool, the team who spent big money to establish themselves as a successful team once more? It’s been on and off for them. Their form has been solidly Europa-League standard, but they are lacking the spark that will make them potential championship winners once more. Suarez has had a funny year, looking classy but not so effective. Gerrard has returned from his long injury, which is a big boost, but again it seems as if Liverpool’s season will be one of consolidation.

All this, combined with the excellent form of Tottenham and Newcastle, and the trials and tribulations of the promoted teams, balances the season in a spectacular way. I can’t remember a time where I’ve felt more excited about the possibilities of the year. We’re going to have an incredible title race, the chase for Europe will be superb, and the relegation fight will include unbearable tension. More to the point though, the games themselves have been excellent examples of interesting, attacking and incident-filled football.

No season have I ever, so often, come away from watching a game and remained on that high for days after. Long may that last.