Top 100 F1 Drivers: 90-81

Part two of the 'Top 100 F1 Drivers' list includes our first current F1 driver, our first multiple-race winner, a host of tragedies and the last Frenchman to have won a Grand Prix...

90. Jean Behra (France) 53 Starts, 0 Race Wins, 65.2 F-Points

Short and stocky, French driver Jean Behra was a consistently strong figure in F1 during the 1950s. Having begun his career in motorcycle racing before the second world war, Behra moved to car racing in 1952, making his Formula One debut in that year's Swiss Grand Prix and finishing on the podium. Behra spent his first three years in a Gordini, but the car was unreliable and often didn't make it to the finish line. Despite this, Behra pulled off a handful of victories in non-championship events, including a triumph over the much fancied Ferraris in the 1952 Grand Prix of Reims.

Behra enjoyed his most competitive seasons as part of the Maserati line-up between 1955 and 1958. In this time, he recorded seven podium finishes and a fourth-place finish in the 1956 Championship. However, the Frenchman never managed to win an official Formula One Grand Prix, hiding behind the limelight of his teammates Stirling Moss and Juan Manuel Fangio. Regardless, Behra drew much respect from the paddock for his reputation as a driver with great flair and ability.

He moved to Porsche, and then Ferrari. Midway through the 1959 season, he suffered a crash in a sports car race before the German Grand Prix. He was thrown from the car and died of his injuries aged 38. His funeral drew 3000 mourners in his hometown of Nice.

89. Luigi Musso (Italy) 24 Starts, 1 Race Win, 65.6 F-Points

Another significant figure of the 1950s, Luigi Musso's career was an explosive one cut tragically short. His first obstacle was convincing his two older brothers, both racers, that he was a capable enough racer to be trusted with one of their cars. Despite crashing his own 750cc Giannini car in a 1950 Tour of Italy event, his older sibling allowed him to drive a Stranguellini in 1952, which led to him being noticed by the Maserati team.

Though his initial chances were few and far between, Musso began scoring podiums and was eventually noticed by Ferrari, who made him part of their 1956 line-up. In his first race for Scuderia, Musso was a joint-winner alongside Juan Fangio at the Argentinean Grand Prix. He may have added to that with another victory at the Italian Grand Prix, a race notable for an incident in which Fangio's car broke down, and Musso refused to hand his Ferrari over to his Argentine team-mate. Leading the race, his car broke down with just a few laps to go. The following season he recorded two podiums to come third in the Championship.

The 1958 season got off to a good start for Musso, as he scored two second-place finishes in the first two races. He sat third in the standings and looked to be in the title fight, before a fatal accident at the French Grand Prix killed Luigi Musso. He was 33.

88. Heikki Kovalainen (Finland) 109 Starts, 1 Race Win, 66.6 F-Points

Heikki Kovalainen is the first of ten drivers still racing (as of the end of last season) to have made this list, although his time in the sport appears to be up. He began in karting before progressing to Formula Renault and Formula Three. His only lower-formula Championship came in the World Series by Nissan, which Kovalainen comfortably won in 2004. Such was his impressive form that Renault appointed the Finn as their main test-driver for 2005 and 2006, before he replaced Fernando Alonso in the team for 2007.

Kovalainen's first season in F1 showed him to be a model of consistency. He finished every race apart from the final Grand Prix at Brazil, with the standout highlight being his impressive second-placed finish at a soaked Fuji speedway. He finished nine points ahead of his far more experienced team-mate Giancarlo Fisichella, and was snapped up by McLaren for the 2008 season as a teammate for Lewis Hamilton.

Kovalainen showed decent form for the British outfit, but largely played second-fiddle to Hamilton's championship fight. The Finn escaped a nasty accident at the Spanish Grand Prix after a wheel-rim failure caused him to spear off the track at high-speed. Despite this, he went on to pick up his first race victory, benefitting from Felipe Massa's engine failure at the end of the Hungarian Grand Prix to become the 100th different winner of a Formula One race.

While 2008 was a year with some promise for Heikki, 2009 was a major disappointment. The McLaren car was massively off the pace, but whereas Lewis Hamilton capitalised on opportunities to record race wins that season, Kovalainen was unable to make the podium throughout the year. With the arrival of World Champion Jenson Button at the team, Kovalainen was pushed out to the newly-established Lotus team. The Finn spent three years at the outfit, but not enough progress was made for the backmarkers to achieve a points-scoring position in this time. With the majority of the seats for 2013 occupied, Kovalainen is running out of time to find his place on the grid.

87. Derek Warwick (Great Britain) 146 Starts, 0 Race Wins, 72.4 F-Points

Derek Warwick's career was perhaps a story of unfulfilled potential. Having won the Superstox English Championship aged 16, and the World Championship two years later, Warwick began attracting people's attentions. His reputation as a future talent was confirmed when he became British Formula Three champion in 1978.

His first season in Formula One was with the struggling Toleman team in 1981. He could only qualify for one race in his first season, with little improvement in his fortunes the following year. However, 1983 ended with a significant change of fortunes as Warwick drove to four point-scoring finishes in the final four races of the season.

He made what appeared to be a dream move to Renault for 1984, replacing Alain Prost. In his first race at Brazil, Warwick became embroiled in a battle for victory against Alain Prost, and was leading before a suspension failure ended his race on the 51st lap. He nevertheless went on to achieve four podium finishes that season, including a second-place in his home race at Brands Hatch, but unreliability severely affected his results.

Warwick was offered a place in the Williams team in 1985, but turned this down. Nigel Mansell was eventually signed, and went on to win 13 races in the following three seasons. Warwick's decision was made all the worse by Renault's dwindling results, which led to the team pulling out of the sport at the end of the 1985 season. Warwick almost found a place in the Lotus outfit for 1986, but Ayrton Senna told the team he would not accept the Brit as a team-mate. He instead replaced Elio de Angelis at Brabham after the Italian was killed in a testing accident, before spending three years at the Arrows team.

Warwick's performances for Arrows were impressive, as he was a regular points-scorer in an average car. In 1989, Warwick even began to look like a potential race-winner again, but his best chance of that elusive maiden victory was cruelly snatched away from him. Warwick was leading ahead of Ayrton Senna at the Canadian Grand Prix, when an engine failure on lap 40 meant his chances had again been thwarted by mechanical issues.

His F1 career ended after stints at Lotus and Footwork. Warwick then competed in BTCC for a few seasons, before becoming an F1 blogger.

86. Eddie Cheever (USA) 132 Starts, 0 Race Wins, 74.8 F-Points

A true motorsport all-rounder, Eddie Cheever has had successes in both CART and the Indy Racing League, and was the 1998 winner of the Indy 500 as both a driver and a team-owner. However, the beginning of his career was largely devoted to making it in Formula One, as Cheever grew up in Italy and began entering European karting tournaments. His progression took him through Formula Three and Formula Two, before he secured his first permanent drive in F1 for the 1980 season, racing for the Osella team.

The Osella was largely uncompetitive, and Cheever moved to Tyrrell in 1981. He recorded a few point-scoring finishes before accepting an offer from Ligier in 1982. This proved to be more successful, as Cheever stood on the podium three times that season, including a second-place finish at the Detroit Grand Prix after an amazing battle between him and several other cars.

In search of consistent results, Cheever again moved at the end of the 1982 season, this time heading for the reputable Renault team. Four podium finishes and an eventual sixth-place in the Championship made this Cheever's most successful season in Formula One, albeit he was still unable to find a race win. Once more, he moved teams at the end of the season but his transfer to Alfa Romeo proved to be a step backwards. The car was uncompetitive, and a move to Lola in 1986 did little to make the outlook brighter for the American.

A move to Arrows in 1987 gave Cheever a few more career highlights before his time in Formula One was up. A third-place finish at the 1988 Italian Grand Prix gave Arrows their first podium in seven years, and was nearly declared a race victory after a controversy regarding the fuel tanks of the Ferraris. He then scored another befitting podium at the 1989 USA Grand Prix, surviving a brake failure to battle away to another third-place.

Cheever is now a commentator on ABC for the Indy 500.

85. Carlos Pace (Brazil) 71 Starts, 1 Race Win, 74.9 F-Points

Carlos Pace's career is regretfully another story of a life lost at a tragically young age. Pace was a good friend of the Fittipaldi brothers during his schooldays, and followed in their footsteps to compete in motor-racing. Aged 26, he moved to British Formula Three where he was the Champion of his series. The following year he competed in Formula Two, although this was a time when Pace's career nearly capitulated with consistent poor results all season.

Nevertheless, Frank Williams offered Pace a seat at March for the 1972 season. Pace only scored points twice in his debut year, but a move to Surtees at the end of this campaign proved to be a little more successful. He achieved his first podium finish in the 1973 Austrian Grand Prix, beating Carlos Reutemann to third place.

During the 1974 season, Pace had a falling-out with team-boss John Surtees and moved to Brabham. Pace was to spend the rest of his career at Bernie Ecclestone's team, as he finished off 1974 with a second-place finish at the USA Grand Prix.

1975 saw Pace's only victory in Formula One, which came at his home Grand Prix in Brazil. He and his old schoolmate Emerson Fittipaldi stood on the top two steps of the podium, in what was to be the highlight of Pace's short career. Another couple of podiums meant Pace finished sixth in the 1975 Championship, but the Brabham car declined in the following season and Pace could only achieve results as high as fourth in the now Alfa-Romeo powered vehicle.

1977 got off to a promising start for Pace. The first Grand Prix of the season saw Pace finish second, and this was followed by the home Grand Prix in which the Brazilian managed to lead briefly before a collision with James Hunt ended his race. Following the tragic race in South Africa, more grief struck the world of Formula One as Carlos Pace was killed in a light aircraft accident, aged just 32. Following his death, Interlagos was renamed Autódromo José Carlos Pace as a tribute.  

84. Lorenzo Bandini (Italy) 42 Starts, 1 Race Win, 76.3 F-Points

It is extremely telling of the nature of Formula One back in the 50s, 60s and 70s, that we are talking about another career cut tragically short. Lorenzo Bandini was one of the key figures for the Ferrari team back in the 1960s, having begun his racing career on motorcycles before taking up car racing in 1957. Though he continued to race bikes for a short while longer, an opportunity in Formula Junior focussed Bandini's career towards four wheels.

Having placed fourth in the Formula Junior World Championship in 1960, Bandini was given limited opportunities in the Cooper during 1961. Ferrari decided to hire Bandini for a few races in 1962, and in his debut for the team the Italian came third in the Monaco Grand Prix. A brief stint in a BRM in 1963 ended when he was handed a more permanent role in the Ferrari outfit, having by far his most successful season the following year. Bandini managed four podiums in 1964, including his first and only race win at the Austrian Grand Prix where he took the chequered flag by just six seconds.

Bandini finished fourth in the Championship that year, and remained a part of the Ferrari team for the next two seasons. During this time he stood on the podium a further three times, including two second-place finishes at Monaco. Mechanical problems prevented the Italian from scoring any more race victories, which became all-important during the 1966 season after John Surtees left the team, leaving Bandini as the number-one driver for Scuderia.

The Monaco Grand Prix, home to so many near-triumphs for Bandini, was to be the venue on which the Italian raced for the final time. Chasing Denny Hulme for the lead, Bandini crashed out of the race and became trapped underneath the burning wreckage of the accident. He died of his injuries three days later, aged 31. The Lorenzo Bandini trophy, named in his honour, recognises outstanding figures in the world of motorsport, and is still running to this day.

83. Alessandro Nannini (Italy) 76 Starts, 1 Race Win, 78.4 F-Points

Alessandro Nannini managed to have a fairly impressive impact on the world of Formula One in his five-season long career in the sport. The younger brother of a female rock singer, Nannini began rallying in the 1970s before a move to Formula Two in 1982. He raced for the Minardi team and despite the car's lack of pace, Nannini caught the attention of spectators with a string of impressive performances. He moved to the World Sportscar Championship, but was offered a drive in Minardi's Formula One team for 1985. He accepted, but was denied a superlicence and could not take his seat.

Nannini did eventually make his F1 debut in 1986, but the Minardi he drovefailed to finish every race but one during the season. There was little improvement for 1987, as Nannini could only drag the car to another three race finishes before an offer from Benetton relieved the Italian's frustrations. He was signed as a teammate to Thierry Boutsen for the 1988 season, and provided a good match for the reputable Belgian.

Nannini scored his first podium finish at the 1988 British Grand Prix, before another third-place at Spain later in the year. 1989 was an even greater season for Nannini, as he recorded another four podium finishes, including his first race win at the Japanese Grand Prix. The circumstances were controversial, as this was the event at which the famous collision between Prost and Senna occured. Senna recovered from the accident to overtake Nannini and finish first, but was dubiously disqualified for missing a chicane. This gave Nannini a rather odd maiden victory. The Italian finished sixth in the 1989 Drivers Championship.

1990 would prove to be Nannini's final season in Formula One, but it was one in which the Italian's results stayed positive. He scored three more podium finishes in the Benetton and kept himself very close to the performances of his more illustrious teammate Nelson Piquet. He almost scored a second race victory in Hungary that season, before being slammed off the track by Ayrton Senna. After finishing third at Spain with two races of the season remaining, he stood seventh in the Championship.

At this point, Nannini's career came to a sudden end. One week after his Spanish success, Nannini was involved in a helicopter crash in which his right arm was severed. Though surgery re-attached his arm, his only had partial use of his right hand and had to end his Formula One career. Miraculously, Nannini still managed to continue racing, enjoying a fruitful couple of years in touring cars and making recent appearances in Formula One Masters events.

82. Wolfgang von Trips (Germany) 27 Starts, 2 Race Wins, 80.8 F-Points

It is hard to write a summation on von Trips' career. He had a difficult relationship with the Ferrari team that would come to define his time in Formula One. He destroyed a 1600cc class model in a trial run in 1957 following a spin in which the German sustained concussion, and generally had a reputation for crashing. Despite this, Ferrari gave von Trips opportunities to make his mark, and he responded with podiums in both the 1957 and 1958 seasons, with the first coming at the team's home race in Italy.

Though he missed out on the majority of the 1959 season, von Trips returned to the team in 1960 and scored points consistently. It was to be the 1961 season that would represent both the highs and lows of von Trips' career, as he stormed into the lead of the title race. His first race win came at Zandvoort, where he led every lap of the race to become the first German driver to take a Grand Prix victory. He followed this up by taking the chequered flag at the British Grand Prix, and two further podiums gave von Trips a four point lead in the title race with just two races remaining.

However, von Trips reputation for accidents was realised in the most grim way imaginable. On what was to be the blackest day in Formula One, the German lost control of his Ferrari and crashed into stands full of spectators. Wolfgang von Trips and fifteen Grand Prix fans died in the incident. Phil Hill went on to win a title that was largely overshadowed by tragedy.

81. Olivier Panis (France) 157 Starts, 1 Race Win, 82.8 F-Points

The last Frenchman to have won a Grand Prix wraps up this section of the list. Olivier Panis began his career in karting before progressing through Elf's numerous junior series and French Formula Three. He then spent two seasons in Formula 3000, winning the Championship with the DAMS Equipe outfit. This secured his move to Formula One as he was signed by the Ligier team for 1994.

Panis stayed largely consistent in his debut season, with one standout performance strongly confirming his potential. He survived first-lap chaos at the German Grand Prix to take a surprise second-place, capping off a very solid year in which the Frenchman only failed to finish once (albeit the car was disqualified from another Grand Prix).

The Ligier team continued to improve for 1995, and with that Panis was able to score points more frequently. He once again showed excellent consistency, and similarly had a standout second-place finish, this time at Australia, to take eighth place in the Championship. Panis had to once more survive a race with a high rate of attrition, and although he came in two laps behind race winner Damon Hill, he did more than enough to take home a hatful of points.

Olivier Panis' true moment in the spotlight came in 1996 at the Monaco Grand Prix. Wet weather made conditions extremely tricky at the tight and unforgiving circuit, but Panis produced one of the greatest race day performances in the history of Formula One. Starting from 14th on the grid, the Frenchman overtook the likes of Martin Brundle, Mika Hakkinen, Johnny Herbert and Eddie Irvine to battle his way into the lead. Though he benefitted from the mechanical issues suffered by front-runners, Panis thoroughly deserved the victory on a day where he shone brightest.

The Ligier had little success that season, despite the victory at Monaco. Panis moved to the Prost team for the 1997 season, and got off to a terrific start for his new employers. Two podiums in the first six races put Panis in third place in the Drivers Championship, before his year was spoiled when he suffered two broken legs after crashing in the Canadian Grand Prix. He was able to return with three races left and finished off the season moderately well, signalling that the injury had not affected his ability.

However, Panis never fully regained form after the crash. The next two seasons at Prost were a struggle, and a move to BAR only improved results slightly. Though Panis was able to score a few points each season, he never stepped on the podium in Formula One again, and a final stint at Toyota was to be his last foray into the sport. Panis announced his retirement in 2004, but continued as a test driver for another season. Though his F1 career is over, Panis is still active in the world of racing, having driven in Le Mans and the GT1 World Championship in recent years.

Numbers 80-71 will be revealed in the next installment...

Top 100 F1 Drivers: 100-91

OK, so you can't really do this list without it being thoroughly subjective. So what I tried to do was introduce complete objectivity into the way each driver was ranked. This left me with a formula - by no means a perfect formula - but a formula by which I could assess every driver to have started a Grand Prix and give them a numerical score that summarises their whole career. It wasn't my first choice of formula. That is to say.. it wasn't Formula One. But with a bit of tweaking and work, it's become a fairly decent guide, perhaps not to Formula One greatness, but certainly to Formula One achievement.

The formula, for those who wish to know, goes like this:

Drivers Championship - 120 points

Race Win - 18 points

Second Place Finish - 7 points

Third Place - 5 points

Fourth Place - 2.5 points

Fifth Place - 2 points

Sixth Place - 1.5 points

Seventh Place - 1 point

Eighth Place - 0.5 points

Pole Position - 2 points

Fastest Lap - 1 point

Race Start - -0.1 point

The minus points for race starts was to counter an effect that the formula had initially, which was that drivers with massive careers had an enormous advantage. Though the introduction of that little extra didn't completely remove that issue, it has lessened the impact of it quite well. Take all those elements, and you have a number that, for this little feature, we'll call F-Points. With that all done and dusted, let's dive right into numbers 100-91 of the Top 100 F1 Drivers of All Time.

Number 100: Gunnar Nilsson (Sweden) 31 Starts, 1 Race Win, 41.4 F-Points

The list begins on a solemn note, and as you will come to see that is unfortunately a running theme through these early numbers. Gunnar Nilsson was a talent whose time was cut tragically short; not by a crash or any other racing incident, but by testicular cancer which prevented him from racing only two seasons into his career.

Having won the F3 series of 1975, Nilsson stepped into Ronnie Peterson's vacated Lotus seat. It was a tough first year for the Sweden, who inherited a car beset by mechanical problems. He could only drag the Lotus to the finish line six times in 1976, scoring two podium finishes.

His results improved in 1977, and he won his first and only Grand Prix victory at a wet Spa, overtaking Niki Lauda's Ferrari to take the chequered flag. It was short-lived joy, however, as Nilsson was diagnosed with testicular cancer towards the end of the season. His condition became to severe for him to continue in 1978, and he died on October 20^th 1978, having made plans to create the Gunnar Nilsson Cancer Foundation. The charity was then created and fronted by his Mother.

The Gunnar Nilsson Cancer Foundation

99. Jean-Pierre Jarier (France) 132 Starts, 0 Race Wins, 41.8 F-Points

You'd be forgiven for thinking that Jean-Pierre Jarier drove for just about every Formula One team during his career. Ever the journeyman, Jarier secured his first permanent seat in the sport with March in 1973, having worked his way up through Formula Three and Formula Two. The March was barely capable of finishing a race, but the following season a move to Shadow saw the Frenchman score his first career podium, with 3rd place at a chaotic Monaco Grand Prix.

Jarier competed for Shadow for another two seasons, but failed to find the form to hoist him up onto the podium again. This is when Jean-Pierre's career became somewhat difficult to follow, as he raced for Penske, Shadow and Ligier in 1977, as well as a few appearances in Le Mans and other sports car events.

Though his career appeared to be dwindling, hope came in the form of the Tyrrell team. They offered him a seat in 1979, and over two seasons Jarier was able to score points with fair regularity, and managed another two podium finishes before he moved to backmarkers Osella.

Jarier found himself part of regrettable notoriety at the tail end of his career. He failed to behave as a backmarker, and his excessive weaving and blocking at the 1983 Austrian Grand Prix spoiled Patrick Tambay's race, dropping his French countryman to third. James Hunt famously commented of this incident:

"Jarier really is completely out of order, he really shouldn't be allowed to drive in Grand Prix racing. He's got a mental age of 10 in the first place, and that was an absolutely disgraceful bit of driving for a driver of his experience...the authorities have to crack down on driving like that...he should certainly receive a short suspension, and for being himself, he should receive a permanent suspension."  

He survived a helicopter accident in 1994.

98. Jim Rathmann (USA) 10 Starts, 1 Race Win, 43 F-Points

Now, there's certainly a point of contention here that is worth bringing up: Should the Indy 500 be considered in this list? Jim Rathmann's 10 starts all come from the 500, which was considered a Formula One World Championship event from 1950 to 1960. He is a classified part of the final standings for each year on which he scored points in his only race. For these reasons, I have no qualms about having the likes of Rathmann in the list.

Rathmann raced in the Indy 500 every year from 1949 to 1963 (except for in 1951), and picked up his solitary victory in 1960 having battled hard with Rodger Ward. The race was regarded as one of the most extraordinary duels in Indy history, with Rathmann pulling home a 12-second advantage to take his place in history.

Rathmann was never enticed into racing for Formula One fully. After retiring from racing he set up a car-company that supplied vehicles for astronauts. He died only last year, having suffered a seizure. He was 83.

97. Jean-Pierre Jabouille (France) 49 Starts, 2 Race Wins, 46.1 F-Points

Jean-Pierre Jabouille's racing career was uncharacteristically slow and steady. He took up the sport aged 22, made it to Formula 2 aged 27, and didn't secure a permanent F1 seat until he was 35. He was lucky enough to dabble in a Tyrrell seat for one race in 1975, but it wasn't until he won the F2 Championship at his seventh attempt in 1976 that he started to establish himself in Formula One.

Having been brought in to help develop Renault's new turbo engines, Jabouille began to display impressive form with a few standout qualifying performances. The car itself was extremely unreliable based on the untested concept of the vehicle, but Jabouille pulled out a Fourth place in 1978.

Jabouille booked himself a place in F1 history in 1979 by leading the Renault to victory at his home Grand Prix in Dijon. This marked the first occasion on which a turbocharged car had won a Grand Prix. The car remained very unreliable and rarely finished a race, but Jabouille was able to achieve his second race victory in 1980 by taking the chequered flag in Austria ahead of Alan Jones by less than a second.

He had planned a move to Ligier in 1981, but a broken leg sustained in the Canadian Grand Prix badly affected his preparations. He missed the first two races and struggled upon his return. He was dropped and never made a return to Formula One. He now runs his own team in the FIA Sportscar Championship.

96. Luigi Fagioli (Italy) 7 Starts, 1 Race Win, 50.3 F-Points

With just seven race starts in World Championship Formula One events, Fagioli has the least Grands Prix under his belt of anyone on this list. However, this statistic does not do justice to a driver who played a significant role in the European Championships of the 1930's, racing for early incarnations of Alfa Romeo, Maserati and Mercedes. He won numerous races, but his attitude proved to be an issue with some of his teams. He was ordered to move over for his team-mate in the first race of 1934, and retaliated by parking the car and abandoning the race. He continued to race up until 1937, when severe rheumatism meant he was no longer in any condition for the rigours of the sport.

After the war, Fagioli's health improved and he returned to racing for the inception of the official Formula One World Championship. Driving for Alfa Romeo, Fagioli scored five podium finishes in his six races of the 1950 season, finishing a very credible third in the championship. In 1951, Fagioli only entered one Grand Prix in which he shared an Alfa Romeo with Juan Manuel Fangio. They were victorious, and aged 53 he became the oldest driver to win a Formula One grand prix, a record he unsurprisingly still holds today.

Fagioli died in 1952 after crashing a touring car at the Monaco circuit.

95. Piero Taruffi (Italy) 18 Starts, 1 Race Win, 55.2 F-Points

Piero Taruffi is perhaps more notable for his careers in motorcycles and sports cars, but his 18 appearances in Grand Prix racing gives him a well-earned place on this list. With a long and impressive motorcycling career in the 1920s and 30s (including the land-speed record on a motorcycle, which he clinched in 1937), Taruffi entered numerous events in the 50s with only one eye focussed on F1.

His most successful year in the sport was undoubtedly 1952 in which Taruffi, driving for Ferrari, scored his first race win at Switzerland. Another two podiums that season gave Taruffi a third placed finish in the Championship, which was to be the best classification he would achieve in F1. Sporadic appearances for Ferrari and Mercedes yielded him a few more good results, but Taruffi had so many pursuits that he never gave himself a true chance to establish a proper F1 title challenge.

He retired from motorsport after the terrible crash in the 1957 Mille Miglia, in which 14 people were killed. He went on to write an acclaimed book called The Technique of Motor Racing, and passed away in 1988 aged 81.

94. Innes Ireland (Great Britain) 50 Starts, 1 Race Win, 55.5 F-Points

Innes Ireland is the first of 20 Brits who have made this list, and perhaps one of the most colourful. Known for his uncompromising and outlandish nature, especially on track, Ireland was a popular figure in the paddock. Having taken up motor-racing as a career in 1957, Ireland found himself in a Lotus in 1959, a seat which he held for three years. During that time Ireland managed four podiums, including his only race victory at the 1961 USA Grand Prix at Watkins Glen. He admitted his victory was lucky, and showed his appreciation for the mechanic that fixed his car three times over the weekend by tipping him £25.

Despite this success, Ireland found himself out of favour with team boss Colin Chapman, who instead hired Jim Clark to drive for Lotus. Ireland dabbled with the BRP and BRM teams, but could only manage a few more points finishes before his career ended in 1967. He continued to work as a journalist, and was briefly the president of the BRDC before dying of cancer in 1993, aged 63.

93. Andrea de Cesaris (Italy) 208 Starts, 0 Race Wins, 57.7 F-Points

Andrea de Cesaris holds something of a dubious distinction in that he has started the most F1 Grands Prix without a single race victory. Despite his inability to hit the top step of the podium, de Cesaris had a long career in the sport, racing for ten different teams over fifteen seasons.

Andrea came to Formula One with a bit of a reputation for causing crashes. He had already been involved in an incident in which Nigel Mansell broke his neck, and in only his second start in F1 he threw his Alfa Romeo into catch fencing at Watkins Glen. Despite this, he managed to land a seat in the McLaren team in 1981. This didn't lead to anything more than a single points finish for de Cesaris, before he moved back to Alfa Romeo.

The Italian took his first podium in a breathless Monaco Grand Prix in 1982, in which almost every car ran out of fuel. Things improved even further for de Cesaris in 1983, when he took two second-placed finishes in Germany and South Africa to place eighth in the World Championship. He also came close to taking his maiden win in Spa, leading for much of the race before a bad pit-stop spoiled his champagne moment.

His moves to Ligier and Minardi did not give de Cesaris much cause to celebrate, but a season at Brabham saw him stand on the podium for a fourth time at the 1987 Belgian Grand Prix. He then spent a couple of years at the promising but ultimately disappointing Dallara team, before moves to Jordan, Tyrrell and Sauber capped off his career in F1. His final podium came at Canada in 1989, but the elusive race victory was never found.

Andrea de Cesaris is now a currency trader, but makes appearances at Grand Prix Masters events.

92. Luigi Villoresi (Italy) 31 Starts, 0 Race Wins, 58.9 F-Points

Luigi Villoresi is another Italian who was racing in Formula before the sport had officially established its World Championship. Appearing in a Maserati in 1938 and 1939, Villoresi's career was interrupted by the war before he returned and spent three more years with the team. He then moved to Ferrari, driving for them between 1949 and 1953. Though he recorded a race win in his first season for Ferrari, the statistics do not count races pre-1950.

Villoresi managed to score eight podiums after the establishment of the Championship, coming fifth place in the standings twice. Despite having a fair amount of success with Ferrari, he moved to Lancia in 1954 alongside Alberto Ascari, who had beaten him on both his second placed finishes. Villoresi was unable to replicate the kind of form he managed in the Ferrari for Lancia, and following Ascari's fatal crash decided to retire from the sport. Villoresi died in 1997, aged 88.

91. Jo Bonnier (Sweden) 104 Starts, 1 Race Win, 60.1 F-Points

Jo Bonnier was a true journeyman. Between 1956 and 1971, the Swede raced for eleven different teams and rarely completed a full season in just one race seat. He began his career at Maserati, spending three years at the team and suffering a crash that very nearly killed him at a non-championship race in Imola. He then moved to BRM where he scored his one and only race victory at the 1959 Dutch Grand Prix. It was a result that put him second in the Championship, but he failed to capitalise on the position as the car wasn't strong enough to pursue a title fight.

Despite his CV listing an absurd amount of teams, Bonnier specialised in scraping out a few points-scoring results regardless of what team he drove for. He scored points for BRM, Porsche, Cooper, Brabham, McLaren and Honda, failing only at his first team Maserati and his self-run team Ecurie Bonnier. Though he continued to drive for his team on occasion, Bonnier's time in F1 was clearly up and he raced his final race at Watkins Glen in 1971.

He was killed at Le Mans in 1972 after a collision with another car.

The next installment (90-81) to come shortly...

Bendting the rules of advertising

After scoring an equalising goal against Portugal on Wednesday, Nicklas Bendtner decided to celebrate his goal by showing his pants. Nothing wrong with that of course, but it was the nature by which Bendtner decided to reveal his underwear that turned this into an act to be reviled. The big Dane was not displaying an outlandish party-style act of madness, nor was he doing a sexy dance. No, Bendtner decided to reveal his pants for money.

If you sense a hint of prostitution in that last sentence, then you have stumbled upon an apt metaphor for what was being carried out. A betting company has thrown a marketing masterstroke into the European Championships by sponsoring a goal celebration. Nicklas Bendtner, eyes bulging with imagined riches, was only too happy to oblige with this trade and sold his moment of glory so the company could make a wry quip about it on their Twitter page. There is something deeply sinister about this. Though the act itself is nothing particularly harmful, one does fear for quite where this could lead.

That is why I was pleased that UEFA had come down hard on Bendtner, dumping a £100k fine on his rather large head and suspending him for one match. Though an outcry has been led by those who believe the fine is ridiculous when compared to the punishments handed out for recent incidents related to racism (and these points are undeniably poignant), I also worry about the game in terms of its susceptibility to being pulled apart by commercial machines. I am, by no means, suggesting that Bendtner deserved more of a fine than Croatia, Russia or Porto. But I am saying that Bendtner deserved that fine.

Let me give you an example to cool your already raging fists. Last night I had a very strange dream. It involved the 100m final at the London Olympics. The gun was fired to start perhaps the most famous and prestigious event an athlete could compete in. However, the runners took a few paces off their starting blocks and then paused to unfurl a giant banner. All eight of them, proud sportsmen, interrupting their own final to hold up an advertisement for... well I never quite saw what it was for. I guess my brain was trying to tell me that wasn’t important. It was the principle of the whole darn thing.

Now, my subconscious cinema is clearly capable of some artistic licence, hyperbole and falling down the slippery slope fallacy, so let me bring home a more plausible example. Think back to May: more specifically, the title-deciding game between Manchester City and QPR. Aguero scores his winner and everyone in the Etihad Stadium goes crazy. The players, receding momentarily from their otherwise unbridled joy, decide to all lift their shirts and reveal a slogan for a well known fast food chain. An iconic moment falls to the tacky domination of the players’ bank accounts. It would be a disaster.

I’m not saying all commercial involvement in football is bad. Indeed, advertising is the very lifeblood of football as we know it. Sponsors on shirts we can take. Advertising hoardings, stadium sponsorships, advert breaks during half-time, etc. They are all part of the system that makes football work so successfully. However, the game itself is a sacred thing. It is dependent upon being untouched by the outside world of politics, economics and war. Whatever packaging you put around it, the very core of football should remain every time.

And you may argue that “Yes, football should remain sacred, but Nicklas Bendtner’s plug was pulled during the celebration, not during the actual football”. This is true, but a goal celebration is really that – a goal celebration. We recognise that scoring a goal is a special moment, and so expect players to show their jubilation. Some players do that in spectacular ways, but it is always infused with passion. Nicklas Bendtner’s celebration was infused with money.

What Bendtner did was no act of menace, but merely showed us a blind spot that companies will be only too happy to exploit. Nicklas says that he was unaware of the rules on advertising, and there’s no reason to doubt that this is the case. However, his naivety gave the betting company a window to get their hands into the 90 minutes of a football match, and it should be made clear by UEFA that this is unacceptable. What we are witnessing is one of the most exciting international tournaments for a while. It would be shame if a precedent were to be set in Euro 2012 that bit away at the sport’s integrity over time.

Two Races In - What Have We Learned?

We're officially into F1 2012. Having broken the skin with an exciting Australian Grand Prix, we pushed deeper into the veins of the season with last weekend's dramatic race in Malaysia. With a surreptitious and unrevealing testing period giving us little to go on, a lot has been revealed in the last two races. Here's what we have learned so far...


The McLarens have a headstart on the rest of the pack



There was a collective anxious sigh from the McLaren fanbase when the MP4-27 was unveiled and seemed very different to its competitors. The front noses of all the other cars included an aesthetically offensive crumpled feature, and there was fear that McLaren had missed a trick on this and were going to be left trailing in the first few races. Thankfully, this has clearly not been the case.


Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton have locked out the front row of the grid in two successive races, and though their races have been peppered with mistakes the two Brits seem to have the paciest cars on race day as well. Certainly in Australia the McLaren seemed to be in its element, with only a badly-timed safety car preventing the first 1-2 for Hamilton and Button since Canada 2010. The car looked to be perhaps more of a struggler in the difficult conditions of Malaysia, but any troubles were heavily exacerbated by collisions, bad pit-stops and tyre issues.

McLaren, without a doubt, have the advantage in terms of the package they have brought to this season. It's a shame they haven't capitalised upon this quite as much as they could have done, but if they can maintain their dominance on the field for the majority of this season it will be a very fruitful year for the Woking-based team. Given the natural determination of Ferrari and Red Bull though, it's hard not to imagine that this gap will close quickly.

Ferrari know how to make the best of a bad car


From the moment teams arrived in Melbourne for the opening Grand Prix, it was clear something was very wrong at Ferrari. Engineers and drivers were openly talking about the damage limitation approach they needed to take as the car wasn't fit to win races. There was an unnerving air of pessimism all over Scuderia, and it became apparent that this was founded in reality as their two cars were knocked out of Qualifying in Q2, with barely a whimper.

However, a driver with the calibre of Fernando Alonso refuses to let pesky machinery get in his way. A solid and complete performance from the Spaniard saw him shimmy his way into a respectable fifth place, picking up 10 vital points. More was to come the following weekend with Fernando Alonso holding firm in the changeable conditions. Combined with some excellent pitwork from the Ferrari mechanics and a bit of luck regarding Perez's late off, Alonso was able to send the Tifosi into raptures with a truly unexpected race victory. Damage limitation? Perhaps damage denial would be more befitting.

The downside for Ferrari is that Felipe Massa has been poor. Finishes in 15th a 16th could either show that Massa isn't skilful enough to make the car work, or that he truly has lost the motivation to drive for Ferrari. In either case, his prospects for staying in the team beyond 2012 look dim.

Red Bull won't dominate


Given Vettel's outright monopolization of the 2011 Grand Prix calender, arguably one of the worst things that could have happened this year is a repeat of last season's form for Red Bull. The term "Schumacher years" reverberated eerily amongst discussion of racing fans as Vettel geared up to his campaign for a third consecutive title.


However, the Red Bull car has not only lost it's massive lead on the rest of the pack, it has positively fallen behind. Both Mercedes and Lotus have managed to get cars in front of Red Bulls during qualifying, as well as the aforementioned front-row lockouts from the McLarens. In the race as well, we have seen that the Red Bull is nothing spectacular, and although Sebastian Vettel enjoyed a podium in Australia, it appears that Adrian Newey and Christian Horner have some work to do.

Given that Red Bull probably has the best development team in the sport, it is unlikely that Red Bull will struggle to win races throughout the season. That said, it is hard to see them finding a way to establish the command they had on the track in 2011, and that should be of massive benefit to the sport.

The Saubers look tasty... as does a lot of the midfield


I was absolutely gutted for Sergio Perez on Sunday. I genuinely felt like he was about to pull off a famous move on Alonso that would give him an absolutely amazing victory, but a mistake manufactured by the spoiling hands of pressure destroyed the potential triumph.


It is still remarkable that we almost saw a Sauber take victory though. From untroubling midfield grid-fillers, the team have clearly had an excellent Winter with all the progression necessary to give them a hatful of points this season. Perez was quicker than Alonso throughout the last half of the Malaysian Grand Prix, with a mis-timed pit-stop and a mistake meaning he managed to catch back up with Fernando twice. That aside, both Perez and Kobayashi scored decent points in the Australian Grand Prix. Sauber is definitely a team to watch this season.

In fact, the rest of the midfield looks pretty good this year, and the result of it is some very close racing. Force India, Mercedes, Toro Rosso, Lotus and Williams have all scored points in those first two races, meaning that only those three perennial backmarkers remain stuck on their marks (although I'm fairly sure - and I might have been dreaming here - that a HRT was in 10th at one stage). Everyone is perusing the points closely, and it means we are in for some really intriguing battles across the track.

This is all bloody exciting, isn't it?


One theme running through all of this the potential for great racing. I truly think we're in for one of the best F1 seasons in living memory. The action on the track has been very enjoyable so far, and though it's very early to comment upon the title race, there are early signs that this could be a close one.


Last season I though the racing was fantastic. The controversial new elements of KERS and DRS did, if nothing else, spice the game up a bit and it made for some absolutely tremendous Grands Prix. However, 2011 was ruined by a yawn-inducing Championship fight between Sebastian Vettel and Sebastian Vettel. Before that we had what was arguably the opposite - a spectacular title-battle between five drivers that came down to the final race. Despite this, the racing in 2010 was appalling, with overtaking a rare and treasured animal. But in 2012, I'm starting to think that we could get the best of both worlds.

Maybe I'm just an eternal optimist, but I can truly see this year being special. The pack is closer than ever, the amount of rivalries developing is phenomenal, and we've had two very entertaining races already. If there's one thing that we have learned so far, it is that all our excitement and hype in the build-up to F1 2012 is well and truly justifiable.

You are tearing us apart, debt!

Erik Huseklepp to Birmingham, Liam Lawrence to Cardiff, Stephen Henderson to West Ham, and now Hayden Mullins to Reading. Despite a resilient spirit, our Pompey team is being torn limb from limb, and now we lay desolate in the gutters of the Championship. We now have the choice - we can try to get up and fight our tormentor once more in what will almost certainly be a vain bid for glory. Or, we can cut our losses and plan a life away from this monstrosity.

The befuddling metaphor above (and I'm not trying to be condescending when I refer to it as befuddling; I don't really understand it) regard's what I see as Pompey's choice now. We are faced with a pretty dire situation - Pompey sit eight points adrift of safety and are being broken up into pieces by an administrator who is, surprisingly, doing his job effectively. We must now decide whether we shall continue to battle against relegation, or admit defeat and concentrate all efforts into keeping the club alive.

At the moment it seems we are hedging our bets a little, and that's not the right way to go about it. What started as a squad capable of dealing with the ten points deduction is being whittled down into a demoralised mess. However, loans are still being brought into the side (albeit they are probably wage-free) and some of the club's major earners continue to play for the team. It's difficult to speculate on what measures may have been taken to remove some of these players, but if we were truly concentrating on financial survival, every single one should have been attempted.

It may be that we are doing our best to tick both boxes. Whilst steps are being made towards saving the club, the administrator may not want to take truly radical approaches to the situation in the interests of the footballing aspect of the team. However the time for radical steps is now, and while I can see the argument for both a gun-ho bid for survival financially, and a fully concerted effort to keep the club in the division, I cannot see how it is beneficial to try and do both.

Let us first consider survival in the league. Probably a less desirable option with regards to the short-term future of the club, one could still argue that the money drawn in from being in the second tier of the football league would justify not loaning out key members of the squad. Increased attendances and advertising revenue could all be considered as vital for the future of the club, so relegation could possibly be seen as a bigger disaster financially than continuing to pay the wages of the players.

On the other hand, there is the option to make every possible decision that will benefit the club financially. Firstly, this should involve the attempt to sell each and every player on the club's books. If this is unsuccessful, then each player should be given the option to either play for free, or to dissolve their contract with immediate effect (for free) and pursue their playing career at other clubs. If all that fails, then the club may even resort to a simple refusal to pay their players. This could lead to legal battles, but one would question whether or not a former player of Pompey would feel comfortable filing a legal suit that would potentially see the death of the club.

In place of the broken squad should go the youth team, or even local players (or just fans - I'd fancy myself to score more than Dave Kitson at the moment) who are willing to play for the club for free. While this measure would inevitably lead to relegation (and possibly lower attendances, although the novelty of having a completely inexperienced team on the field might be a draw to begin with), it would make every possible step to ensure the club's survival. If it was successful, then the club could try and build themselves up from League One, and that wouldn't be a disaster. We've seen teams like Leeds, Norwich, Leicester and even... them come out of the third tier looking a lot healthier.

Personally, I think our decision has already been made. We're too far off of 21st place, too many players have gone and it would be far too much of a risk to put a real push into staying up this year. We must now sacrifice the rest of this season in a last ditch attempt to keep the club alive. It may not work, but we don't want to be ruing the fact that we kept players on the books for an unsuccessful shot at keeping the team in the league.

I've done this post in about a half-an-hour (I'm between lectures), so I'm not really sure if my sentiments are coherent on this one (I say that like I'm normally sure, but that's far from true). However, my general feeling is that I can accept League One. I can accept some awful performances and scorelines for the rest of the season. I can even tolerate a bit of embarrassment on April 7th. If there's even a thread of hope that we can keep the club in business, then I think it only makes sense to begrudgingly pull out all the stops to make it happen.

F1 2012 – What will definitely without a doubt most certainly happen - Part 1

So the F1 season is just a few days away. This is the end of that dry spell we F1 fans have to endure; to suffer. It’s like that Proclaimers song. They walked 500 miles – well, this is our 500 miles. It’s what we go through to make what we love so much more exciting.

Anyway, to fill the gap a little bit I’ve done a prediction about what’s going to happen during the Formula One season. I’ve worked with scientists, philosophers, physicists, engineers and Paul Ross, and we’ve come up with a practically impenetrable solution as to what will occur during the 2012 F1 season. It starts in Australia...

Australia

Before the start of the weekend, Bernie Ecclestone announces that the race has been moved forward three hours to ‘boost European audiences’. As the teams arrive in the glistening Ozzie sun, panic ensues when it appears that Kimi Raikkonen has gone missing. Qualifying begins. Lewis Hamilton seems to have set an absolute blinder and is romping towards pole until Sebastian Vettel manages to pull out an extra second on the flabbergasted Brit.

Raikkonen re-appears just hours before the race is to begin on Sunday. “I was having a shit”, he explains. The race starts and Vettel clears away into the lead, much to the groans of literally everyone. Kamui Kobayashi banzais his way from 15^th to 4^th in just five laps before slamming into the back of Lewis Hamilton. Lewis later receives a penalty for dangerous driving. Meanwhile, Massa is brought in early for his stop to keep Alonso on-strategy. The Brazilian does not complain. Alonso, however, does because he could see Massa in his mirrors at one point and it “put him off”.

After half an hour, the light level is too low and the race is red-flagged. The grid stays populated for two hours as Bernie insists he is “hopeful of a restart”. It is only after he is informed that the sun has gone down and light won’t resume, that a result is declared. Vettel wins the race with Button and Rosberg alongside him on the podium. Vettel celebrates his victory by singing the Nokia Theme Tune on the podium.

Malaysia

Rumours begin to surface of a disagreement between Vettel and Webber. Both attend a press-conference insisting their relationship is fine, whilst holding cold stares against each other. Meanwhile, live television audiences watch on in horror as Eddie Jordan protests against his wardrobe budget cuts by wearing nothing at all during the race weekend. Jake Humphrey and David Coulthard remain undeterred (they’d seen it all before).

Vettel storms to pole, with the commentators calling his lap “The most incredible, unexpected thing ever”. The next day, the race is delayed by five minutes as the cars are left waiting for the starting lights. “I was having a shit”, Charlie Whiting later explained. The Hispania team, who announced a new package of upgrades to the car the previous weekend, watch on as their drivers are lapped 30 times within the first hour. 

Meanwhile at the front, Webber pulls off an extraordinary move to overtake Sebastian Vettel for the lead. However, Red Bull radio Webber to inform him that his driving was ‘dangerous’ and he ‘ought to give the position back’. He begrudgingly complies, and David Coulthard comments that it was a ‘sensible team order’. During the pit-stops, Lewis Hamilton gets on his limiter too late, and is 1mph over the speed limit upon pit-lane entry. He is consequently black-flagged. 

Vettel storms home to another victory. He claims that this was ‘his greatest victory ever’. Webber refuses to comment.

China

Before the race, Ross Brawn of Mercedes announces that the team have begun planning for next year, and this season is irrelevant. Regardless, Michael Schumacher still claims he is the best driver in the world ever and will be Champion this season. He qualifies in 16^th. Hamilton and Button appear to be dominating qualifying with superb times in Q1 and Q2. However, Sebastian Vettel pulls off another last-minute winner. “That is quite literally the best lap I’ve ever seen” shouts Martin Brundle, to a seething penniless Sky audience.

Problems persist at Williams as Mike Coughlan announces that he is retiring with immediate effect. The team reacts by saying that they will continue without anyone in the role of technical director. Meanwhile, McLaren rage as it is announced Jean Todt will be the guest steward for the race. He insists he will be fair before awarding Lewis Hamilton a five-place grid penalty for ‘unreasonably extravagant attire’.

The race is red-flagged after five laps as Kamui Kobayashi begins driving the wrong way down the track. He is radioed several times with angry bosses informing him he needs to pull over, but Kobayashi refuses, shouting “I got this one in the bag”. He eventually runs out of petrol and marshalls remove him from the track. The race restarts after a lengthy delay and Massa, who qualified just ahead of Alonso, if informed by guest steward Jean Todt that he has to give the position back to Alonso for a dangerous overtake. Massa accepts this with a smile.

Vettel cruises home three minutes ahead of the rest of the pack, to secure his third win of the season.

Bahrain

The teams all agree to a last minute boycott of the race. However, Bernie Ecclestone continues to insist that the race ‘will go ahead’. Come race day, TV audiences watch in their millions as Bernie Ecclestone, alone, runs around the track 50 times. Breathlessly, he explains “It was important that the race went ahead in some form”. Ecclestone awards himself 25 championship points.

Spain

An excited Pedro de la Rosa announces that the HRTs have installed a new package that will make the cars more competitive in time for his home race. A new, slimmer design does indeed improve the performance of the troubled team, but a lap into their qualifying campaign, the cars fall to bits on the track. “We thought taking the nuts and bolts out would be an aerodynamic advantage”, explains Luis Pérez-Sala.

In order to save on tyres, nine out of the ten drivers through to Q3 don’t set a final lap time. Only Vettel does, with commentators calling it a ‘spectacular moment’. Before the race, rumours begin to stir that the Pirelli tyres will only last five laps a set. This turns out to be accurate, leading to an exciting race of innumerable pit-stops. Despite this, Sergio Perez somehow runs his Sauber to the end of the race on just two sets of tyres.

Vettel has a collision with Button in the 33^rd lap, which results in Button spinning into the gravel and retiring from the race. “That bloody kid”, shouts Button who is sporting a streamlined goatee. Stewards are misinformed about the incident and, in a bout of confusion, penalise Lewis Hamilton.

Vettel battles past the fearless Perez to win another race. “I am amazing”, he cries before making Angry Birds noises.

Monaco

Monaco is, without doubt, the most glamorous venue for an F1 race. Because of this, the organisers agree to ban Eddie Jordan from the Grand Prix, citing “millions of pounds worth of damages to our image” as the reason.

Come the day of qualifying it appears that Daniel Ricciardo hasn’t slept following the F1 party on Friday evening, as he sits quietly in his car gently sipping Fosters. As there is a clause in the F1 Regulations that allows Australians to drink alcohol before and during races, Ricciardo is not stopped from going out onto the track. He sets an enormously quick time and places himself 7^th on the grid.

Sebastian Vettel secures pole position again, with Martin Brundle literally falling out of his seat in astonishment. The race begins and Michael Schumacher is overtaken by the two Caterhams and a Marussia in the first four laps. “I’ve still got it”, he later affirms. Meanwhile, Felipe Massa is driving a terrific race in 2nd and keeping Vettel under much pressure. However, on the last lap Ferrari inform him that he must move over in order to aid 4^th placed Fernando Alonso. He attempts to do so in Rascasse, and the difficult turn means he is hit in the back by Alonso. Massa is consequently fined his entire years wages for the incident. Vettel wins the race, and every broadcaster at the GP is thrown into the Red Bull swimming pool, including a furious David Coulthard who batters Christian Horner in anger. Adrian Newey later admits he perhaps should have spared Sir Frank Williams from such treatment.

Canada

Excitement builds when it is surprisingly revealed that Robert Kubica will be returning to F1 in this race with the Toro Rosso team. However, during Friday practice, Kubica taps the pit wall at 25mph whilst exiting the pitlane. He breaks thirty bones in his hands and arms, and is out for another year. “I’m confident I will return”, his computerized voicebox says. Meanwhile, there are further problems at Williams as the entire developmental team announces that it is retiring. Williams reveal that they will continue without replacing them.

On Saturday, the qualifying session goes ahead without Kimi Raikkonen who has gone missing again. He is later found crying in a rally car, yelling “I want to go back, I want to go back”. He misses the rest of the weekend. Fernando Alonso finally breaks Sebastian Vettel’s dominance of qualifying, as the stewards conveniently ignore him cutting the final chicane completely.

Vettel has a poor start to the race and Lewis Hamilton overtakes him into the first corner. Mark Webber then tries to come up the inside of his team-mate, but Vettel veers over to knock him off the track and out of the race. A furious Webber waits in his car until the pack comes around again, and in a fit of rage, hurls his boots at Sebastian Vettel. Instead, he accidentally hits Fernando Alonso, knocking him unconscious and handing the lead over to Lewis Hamilton. After the mess is cleared up by the safety car, Hamilton is penalised by the stewards for “straying a bit too close to the safety car”, and Vettel goes on to win the race. Webber later denies a rift between him and Vettel, stating “It’s just the sort of thing that happens when you’re on the track”.

Valencia

Absolutely nothing happens. Vettel wins.

Britain

On the Friday of the race weekend, Bernie Ecclestone reveals plans to boost the yearly F1 campaign up to 40 races. “Teams will cope”, he confidently states. He also announces in an interview with Martin Brundle that during the 2013 season, only race wins will be taken into consideration for the Championship standings. “But if you did that this season” Brundle responds, “Vettel would pretty much already be champion”. Ecclestone curtly retorts “Yes, but I would be second”.

The British crowd boo as Vettel once again storms to pole. The F1 world is beginning to get weary of his dominance, with Michael Schumacher commenting “There’s nothing worse in F1 than a German winning every race” before looking puzzled. Come race day, a surprise publicity stunt takes place ahead of the Olympics. Usain Bolt is given permission to take part in the race on foot. He is naturally left well behind most of the field at the beginning of the race, but he fights a real battle with the HRTs. This ends in disaster however, when Narain Karthikeyan accidentally runs into Usain Bolt whilst the Jamaican is overtaking him. Bolt 's injuries keep him out of the Olympics.

Further ahead, Paul Di Resta is knocked off the track by Kamui Kobayashi. This leads David Coulthard into an explosion of four-lettered rage, meaning Eddie Jordan and Jake Humphrey have to storm the commentary box and wrestle him away. He is suspended from broadcasting indefinitely.

Jenson Button, who started at the back of the field due to an engine failure in qualifying, wrestles his way to 2^nd, just behind Sebastian Vettel. He tries desperately to overtake the German, and he finally does just three laps before the end. The crowd goes wild. However, another engine blowout leaves him a few yards short of the finish line. “Get out and push Jenson”, shouts James Allen on 5Live. He does, and ends up with severe second-degree burns that leave him out of racing for a few weeks. Vettel wins.

Germany

Before the race weekend, Mercedes declare that Michael Schumacher has signed a new six-year contract with the team that will keep him racing into his 50s. They also reveal that they will be replacing Nico Rosberg (who has finished 6^th in every race so far) with Ralf Schumacher. Ross Brawn denies that Michael Schumacher is a major influence on his every decision, before painting the car completely red by hand.

Vettel once again hoards pole position and, expecting cheers from his adoring German fans, instead gets a healthy dose of nonchalance. Lewis Hamilton is banned from taking part in the race after the FIA adjudge that he ‘is not getting into the spirit of the race with that attitude’. Hamilton earlier commented that he preferred the British Grand Prix.

Vettel leads away to the sound of moans. Alonso and Massa have an extraordinary battle that lasts for around 25 laps. They continuously change position in a fight to win 2^nd place. Radio transmission suggests that Massa has begun ignoring team orders, and TV audiences are shocked when he responds “Get off, I’m not your dog”. During his mandatory pit-stop, the Ferrari mechanics “Forget” how to put tyres on, and this drops him down in 20^th. Vettel is unchallenged as he wins his 9^th race of the season. “Fruit Ninja!” he simply cries.

Part 2 never happened, unfortunately...