Two Races In - What Have We Learned?

We're officially into F1 2012. Having broken the skin with an exciting Australian Grand Prix, we pushed deeper into the veins of the season with last weekend's dramatic race in Malaysia. With a surreptitious and unrevealing testing period giving us little to go on, a lot has been revealed in the last two races. Here's what we have learned so far...


The McLarens have a headstart on the rest of the pack



There was a collective anxious sigh from the McLaren fanbase when the MP4-27 was unveiled and seemed very different to its competitors. The front noses of all the other cars included an aesthetically offensive crumpled feature, and there was fear that McLaren had missed a trick on this and were going to be left trailing in the first few races. Thankfully, this has clearly not been the case.


Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton have locked out the front row of the grid in two successive races, and though their races have been peppered with mistakes the two Brits seem to have the paciest cars on race day as well. Certainly in Australia the McLaren seemed to be in its element, with only a badly-timed safety car preventing the first 1-2 for Hamilton and Button since Canada 2010. The car looked to be perhaps more of a struggler in the difficult conditions of Malaysia, but any troubles were heavily exacerbated by collisions, bad pit-stops and tyre issues.

McLaren, without a doubt, have the advantage in terms of the package they have brought to this season. It's a shame they haven't capitalised upon this quite as much as they could have done, but if they can maintain their dominance on the field for the majority of this season it will be a very fruitful year for the Woking-based team. Given the natural determination of Ferrari and Red Bull though, it's hard not to imagine that this gap will close quickly.

Ferrari know how to make the best of a bad car


From the moment teams arrived in Melbourne for the opening Grand Prix, it was clear something was very wrong at Ferrari. Engineers and drivers were openly talking about the damage limitation approach they needed to take as the car wasn't fit to win races. There was an unnerving air of pessimism all over Scuderia, and it became apparent that this was founded in reality as their two cars were knocked out of Qualifying in Q2, with barely a whimper.

However, a driver with the calibre of Fernando Alonso refuses to let pesky machinery get in his way. A solid and complete performance from the Spaniard saw him shimmy his way into a respectable fifth place, picking up 10 vital points. More was to come the following weekend with Fernando Alonso holding firm in the changeable conditions. Combined with some excellent pitwork from the Ferrari mechanics and a bit of luck regarding Perez's late off, Alonso was able to send the Tifosi into raptures with a truly unexpected race victory. Damage limitation? Perhaps damage denial would be more befitting.

The downside for Ferrari is that Felipe Massa has been poor. Finishes in 15th a 16th could either show that Massa isn't skilful enough to make the car work, or that he truly has lost the motivation to drive for Ferrari. In either case, his prospects for staying in the team beyond 2012 look dim.

Red Bull won't dominate


Given Vettel's outright monopolization of the 2011 Grand Prix calender, arguably one of the worst things that could have happened this year is a repeat of last season's form for Red Bull. The term "Schumacher years" reverberated eerily amongst discussion of racing fans as Vettel geared up to his campaign for a third consecutive title.


However, the Red Bull car has not only lost it's massive lead on the rest of the pack, it has positively fallen behind. Both Mercedes and Lotus have managed to get cars in front of Red Bulls during qualifying, as well as the aforementioned front-row lockouts from the McLarens. In the race as well, we have seen that the Red Bull is nothing spectacular, and although Sebastian Vettel enjoyed a podium in Australia, it appears that Adrian Newey and Christian Horner have some work to do.

Given that Red Bull probably has the best development team in the sport, it is unlikely that Red Bull will struggle to win races throughout the season. That said, it is hard to see them finding a way to establish the command they had on the track in 2011, and that should be of massive benefit to the sport.

The Saubers look tasty... as does a lot of the midfield


I was absolutely gutted for Sergio Perez on Sunday. I genuinely felt like he was about to pull off a famous move on Alonso that would give him an absolutely amazing victory, but a mistake manufactured by the spoiling hands of pressure destroyed the potential triumph.


It is still remarkable that we almost saw a Sauber take victory though. From untroubling midfield grid-fillers, the team have clearly had an excellent Winter with all the progression necessary to give them a hatful of points this season. Perez was quicker than Alonso throughout the last half of the Malaysian Grand Prix, with a mis-timed pit-stop and a mistake meaning he managed to catch back up with Fernando twice. That aside, both Perez and Kobayashi scored decent points in the Australian Grand Prix. Sauber is definitely a team to watch this season.

In fact, the rest of the midfield looks pretty good this year, and the result of it is some very close racing. Force India, Mercedes, Toro Rosso, Lotus and Williams have all scored points in those first two races, meaning that only those three perennial backmarkers remain stuck on their marks (although I'm fairly sure - and I might have been dreaming here - that a HRT was in 10th at one stage). Everyone is perusing the points closely, and it means we are in for some really intriguing battles across the track.

This is all bloody exciting, isn't it?


One theme running through all of this the potential for great racing. I truly think we're in for one of the best F1 seasons in living memory. The action on the track has been very enjoyable so far, and though it's very early to comment upon the title race, there are early signs that this could be a close one.


Last season I though the racing was fantastic. The controversial new elements of KERS and DRS did, if nothing else, spice the game up a bit and it made for some absolutely tremendous Grands Prix. However, 2011 was ruined by a yawn-inducing Championship fight between Sebastian Vettel and Sebastian Vettel. Before that we had what was arguably the opposite - a spectacular title-battle between five drivers that came down to the final race. Despite this, the racing in 2010 was appalling, with overtaking a rare and treasured animal. But in 2012, I'm starting to think that we could get the best of both worlds.

Maybe I'm just an eternal optimist, but I can truly see this year being special. The pack is closer than ever, the amount of rivalries developing is phenomenal, and we've had two very entertaining races already. If there's one thing that we have learned so far, it is that all our excitement and hype in the build-up to F1 2012 is well and truly justifiable.

You are tearing us apart, debt!

Erik Huseklepp to Birmingham, Liam Lawrence to Cardiff, Stephen Henderson to West Ham, and now Hayden Mullins to Reading. Despite a resilient spirit, our Pompey team is being torn limb from limb, and now we lay desolate in the gutters of the Championship. We now have the choice - we can try to get up and fight our tormentor once more in what will almost certainly be a vain bid for glory. Or, we can cut our losses and plan a life away from this monstrosity.

The befuddling metaphor above (and I'm not trying to be condescending when I refer to it as befuddling; I don't really understand it) regard's what I see as Pompey's choice now. We are faced with a pretty dire situation - Pompey sit eight points adrift of safety and are being broken up into pieces by an administrator who is, surprisingly, doing his job effectively. We must now decide whether we shall continue to battle against relegation, or admit defeat and concentrate all efforts into keeping the club alive.

At the moment it seems we are hedging our bets a little, and that's not the right way to go about it. What started as a squad capable of dealing with the ten points deduction is being whittled down into a demoralised mess. However, loans are still being brought into the side (albeit they are probably wage-free) and some of the club's major earners continue to play for the team. It's difficult to speculate on what measures may have been taken to remove some of these players, but if we were truly concentrating on financial survival, every single one should have been attempted.

It may be that we are doing our best to tick both boxes. Whilst steps are being made towards saving the club, the administrator may not want to take truly radical approaches to the situation in the interests of the footballing aspect of the team. However the time for radical steps is now, and while I can see the argument for both a gun-ho bid for survival financially, and a fully concerted effort to keep the club in the division, I cannot see how it is beneficial to try and do both.

Let us first consider survival in the league. Probably a less desirable option with regards to the short-term future of the club, one could still argue that the money drawn in from being in the second tier of the football league would justify not loaning out key members of the squad. Increased attendances and advertising revenue could all be considered as vital for the future of the club, so relegation could possibly be seen as a bigger disaster financially than continuing to pay the wages of the players.

On the other hand, there is the option to make every possible decision that will benefit the club financially. Firstly, this should involve the attempt to sell each and every player on the club's books. If this is unsuccessful, then each player should be given the option to either play for free, or to dissolve their contract with immediate effect (for free) and pursue their playing career at other clubs. If all that fails, then the club may even resort to a simple refusal to pay their players. This could lead to legal battles, but one would question whether or not a former player of Pompey would feel comfortable filing a legal suit that would potentially see the death of the club.

In place of the broken squad should go the youth team, or even local players (or just fans - I'd fancy myself to score more than Dave Kitson at the moment) who are willing to play for the club for free. While this measure would inevitably lead to relegation (and possibly lower attendances, although the novelty of having a completely inexperienced team on the field might be a draw to begin with), it would make every possible step to ensure the club's survival. If it was successful, then the club could try and build themselves up from League One, and that wouldn't be a disaster. We've seen teams like Leeds, Norwich, Leicester and even... them come out of the third tier looking a lot healthier.

Personally, I think our decision has already been made. We're too far off of 21st place, too many players have gone and it would be far too much of a risk to put a real push into staying up this year. We must now sacrifice the rest of this season in a last ditch attempt to keep the club alive. It may not work, but we don't want to be ruing the fact that we kept players on the books for an unsuccessful shot at keeping the team in the league.

I've done this post in about a half-an-hour (I'm between lectures), so I'm not really sure if my sentiments are coherent on this one (I say that like I'm normally sure, but that's far from true). However, my general feeling is that I can accept League One. I can accept some awful performances and scorelines for the rest of the season. I can even tolerate a bit of embarrassment on April 7th. If there's even a thread of hope that we can keep the club in business, then I think it only makes sense to begrudgingly pull out all the stops to make it happen.

F1 2012 – What will definitely without a doubt most certainly happen - Part 1

So the F1 season is just a few days away. This is the end of that dry spell we F1 fans have to endure; to suffer. It’s like that Proclaimers song. They walked 500 miles – well, this is our 500 miles. It’s what we go through to make what we love so much more exciting.

Anyway, to fill the gap a little bit I’ve done a prediction about what’s going to happen during the Formula One season. I’ve worked with scientists, philosophers, physicists, engineers and Paul Ross, and we’ve come up with a practically impenetrable solution as to what will occur during the 2012 F1 season. It starts in Australia...

Australia

Before the start of the weekend, Bernie Ecclestone announces that the race has been moved forward three hours to ‘boost European audiences’. As the teams arrive in the glistening Ozzie sun, panic ensues when it appears that Kimi Raikkonen has gone missing. Qualifying begins. Lewis Hamilton seems to have set an absolute blinder and is romping towards pole until Sebastian Vettel manages to pull out an extra second on the flabbergasted Brit.

Raikkonen re-appears just hours before the race is to begin on Sunday. “I was having a shit”, he explains. The race starts and Vettel clears away into the lead, much to the groans of literally everyone. Kamui Kobayashi banzais his way from 15^th to 4^th in just five laps before slamming into the back of Lewis Hamilton. Lewis later receives a penalty for dangerous driving. Meanwhile, Massa is brought in early for his stop to keep Alonso on-strategy. The Brazilian does not complain. Alonso, however, does because he could see Massa in his mirrors at one point and it “put him off”.

After half an hour, the light level is too low and the race is red-flagged. The grid stays populated for two hours as Bernie insists he is “hopeful of a restart”. It is only after he is informed that the sun has gone down and light won’t resume, that a result is declared. Vettel wins the race with Button and Rosberg alongside him on the podium. Vettel celebrates his victory by singing the Nokia Theme Tune on the podium.

Malaysia

Rumours begin to surface of a disagreement between Vettel and Webber. Both attend a press-conference insisting their relationship is fine, whilst holding cold stares against each other. Meanwhile, live television audiences watch on in horror as Eddie Jordan protests against his wardrobe budget cuts by wearing nothing at all during the race weekend. Jake Humphrey and David Coulthard remain undeterred (they’d seen it all before).

Vettel storms to pole, with the commentators calling his lap “The most incredible, unexpected thing ever”. The next day, the race is delayed by five minutes as the cars are left waiting for the starting lights. “I was having a shit”, Charlie Whiting later explained. The Hispania team, who announced a new package of upgrades to the car the previous weekend, watch on as their drivers are lapped 30 times within the first hour. 

Meanwhile at the front, Webber pulls off an extraordinary move to overtake Sebastian Vettel for the lead. However, Red Bull radio Webber to inform him that his driving was ‘dangerous’ and he ‘ought to give the position back’. He begrudgingly complies, and David Coulthard comments that it was a ‘sensible team order’. During the pit-stops, Lewis Hamilton gets on his limiter too late, and is 1mph over the speed limit upon pit-lane entry. He is consequently black-flagged. 

Vettel storms home to another victory. He claims that this was ‘his greatest victory ever’. Webber refuses to comment.

China

Before the race, Ross Brawn of Mercedes announces that the team have begun planning for next year, and this season is irrelevant. Regardless, Michael Schumacher still claims he is the best driver in the world ever and will be Champion this season. He qualifies in 16^th. Hamilton and Button appear to be dominating qualifying with superb times in Q1 and Q2. However, Sebastian Vettel pulls off another last-minute winner. “That is quite literally the best lap I’ve ever seen” shouts Martin Brundle, to a seething penniless Sky audience.

Problems persist at Williams as Mike Coughlan announces that he is retiring with immediate effect. The team reacts by saying that they will continue without anyone in the role of technical director. Meanwhile, McLaren rage as it is announced Jean Todt will be the guest steward for the race. He insists he will be fair before awarding Lewis Hamilton a five-place grid penalty for ‘unreasonably extravagant attire’.

The race is red-flagged after five laps as Kamui Kobayashi begins driving the wrong way down the track. He is radioed several times with angry bosses informing him he needs to pull over, but Kobayashi refuses, shouting “I got this one in the bag”. He eventually runs out of petrol and marshalls remove him from the track. The race restarts after a lengthy delay and Massa, who qualified just ahead of Alonso, if informed by guest steward Jean Todt that he has to give the position back to Alonso for a dangerous overtake. Massa accepts this with a smile.

Vettel cruises home three minutes ahead of the rest of the pack, to secure his third win of the season.

Bahrain

The teams all agree to a last minute boycott of the race. However, Bernie Ecclestone continues to insist that the race ‘will go ahead’. Come race day, TV audiences watch in their millions as Bernie Ecclestone, alone, runs around the track 50 times. Breathlessly, he explains “It was important that the race went ahead in some form”. Ecclestone awards himself 25 championship points.

Spain

An excited Pedro de la Rosa announces that the HRTs have installed a new package that will make the cars more competitive in time for his home race. A new, slimmer design does indeed improve the performance of the troubled team, but a lap into their qualifying campaign, the cars fall to bits on the track. “We thought taking the nuts and bolts out would be an aerodynamic advantage”, explains Luis Pérez-Sala.

In order to save on tyres, nine out of the ten drivers through to Q3 don’t set a final lap time. Only Vettel does, with commentators calling it a ‘spectacular moment’. Before the race, rumours begin to stir that the Pirelli tyres will only last five laps a set. This turns out to be accurate, leading to an exciting race of innumerable pit-stops. Despite this, Sergio Perez somehow runs his Sauber to the end of the race on just two sets of tyres.

Vettel has a collision with Button in the 33^rd lap, which results in Button spinning into the gravel and retiring from the race. “That bloody kid”, shouts Button who is sporting a streamlined goatee. Stewards are misinformed about the incident and, in a bout of confusion, penalise Lewis Hamilton.

Vettel battles past the fearless Perez to win another race. “I am amazing”, he cries before making Angry Birds noises.

Monaco

Monaco is, without doubt, the most glamorous venue for an F1 race. Because of this, the organisers agree to ban Eddie Jordan from the Grand Prix, citing “millions of pounds worth of damages to our image” as the reason.

Come the day of qualifying it appears that Daniel Ricciardo hasn’t slept following the F1 party on Friday evening, as he sits quietly in his car gently sipping Fosters. As there is a clause in the F1 Regulations that allows Australians to drink alcohol before and during races, Ricciardo is not stopped from going out onto the track. He sets an enormously quick time and places himself 7^th on the grid.

Sebastian Vettel secures pole position again, with Martin Brundle literally falling out of his seat in astonishment. The race begins and Michael Schumacher is overtaken by the two Caterhams and a Marussia in the first four laps. “I’ve still got it”, he later affirms. Meanwhile, Felipe Massa is driving a terrific race in 2nd and keeping Vettel under much pressure. However, on the last lap Ferrari inform him that he must move over in order to aid 4^th placed Fernando Alonso. He attempts to do so in Rascasse, and the difficult turn means he is hit in the back by Alonso. Massa is consequently fined his entire years wages for the incident. Vettel wins the race, and every broadcaster at the GP is thrown into the Red Bull swimming pool, including a furious David Coulthard who batters Christian Horner in anger. Adrian Newey later admits he perhaps should have spared Sir Frank Williams from such treatment.

Canada

Excitement builds when it is surprisingly revealed that Robert Kubica will be returning to F1 in this race with the Toro Rosso team. However, during Friday practice, Kubica taps the pit wall at 25mph whilst exiting the pitlane. He breaks thirty bones in his hands and arms, and is out for another year. “I’m confident I will return”, his computerized voicebox says. Meanwhile, there are further problems at Williams as the entire developmental team announces that it is retiring. Williams reveal that they will continue without replacing them.

On Saturday, the qualifying session goes ahead without Kimi Raikkonen who has gone missing again. He is later found crying in a rally car, yelling “I want to go back, I want to go back”. He misses the rest of the weekend. Fernando Alonso finally breaks Sebastian Vettel’s dominance of qualifying, as the stewards conveniently ignore him cutting the final chicane completely.

Vettel has a poor start to the race and Lewis Hamilton overtakes him into the first corner. Mark Webber then tries to come up the inside of his team-mate, but Vettel veers over to knock him off the track and out of the race. A furious Webber waits in his car until the pack comes around again, and in a fit of rage, hurls his boots at Sebastian Vettel. Instead, he accidentally hits Fernando Alonso, knocking him unconscious and handing the lead over to Lewis Hamilton. After the mess is cleared up by the safety car, Hamilton is penalised by the stewards for “straying a bit too close to the safety car”, and Vettel goes on to win the race. Webber later denies a rift between him and Vettel, stating “It’s just the sort of thing that happens when you’re on the track”.

Valencia

Absolutely nothing happens. Vettel wins.

Britain

On the Friday of the race weekend, Bernie Ecclestone reveals plans to boost the yearly F1 campaign up to 40 races. “Teams will cope”, he confidently states. He also announces in an interview with Martin Brundle that during the 2013 season, only race wins will be taken into consideration for the Championship standings. “But if you did that this season” Brundle responds, “Vettel would pretty much already be champion”. Ecclestone curtly retorts “Yes, but I would be second”.

The British crowd boo as Vettel once again storms to pole. The F1 world is beginning to get weary of his dominance, with Michael Schumacher commenting “There’s nothing worse in F1 than a German winning every race” before looking puzzled. Come race day, a surprise publicity stunt takes place ahead of the Olympics. Usain Bolt is given permission to take part in the race on foot. He is naturally left well behind most of the field at the beginning of the race, but he fights a real battle with the HRTs. This ends in disaster however, when Narain Karthikeyan accidentally runs into Usain Bolt whilst the Jamaican is overtaking him. Bolt 's injuries keep him out of the Olympics.

Further ahead, Paul Di Resta is knocked off the track by Kamui Kobayashi. This leads David Coulthard into an explosion of four-lettered rage, meaning Eddie Jordan and Jake Humphrey have to storm the commentary box and wrestle him away. He is suspended from broadcasting indefinitely.

Jenson Button, who started at the back of the field due to an engine failure in qualifying, wrestles his way to 2^nd, just behind Sebastian Vettel. He tries desperately to overtake the German, and he finally does just three laps before the end. The crowd goes wild. However, another engine blowout leaves him a few yards short of the finish line. “Get out and push Jenson”, shouts James Allen on 5Live. He does, and ends up with severe second-degree burns that leave him out of racing for a few weeks. Vettel wins.

Germany

Before the race weekend, Mercedes declare that Michael Schumacher has signed a new six-year contract with the team that will keep him racing into his 50s. They also reveal that they will be replacing Nico Rosberg (who has finished 6^th in every race so far) with Ralf Schumacher. Ross Brawn denies that Michael Schumacher is a major influence on his every decision, before painting the car completely red by hand.

Vettel once again hoards pole position and, expecting cheers from his adoring German fans, instead gets a healthy dose of nonchalance. Lewis Hamilton is banned from taking part in the race after the FIA adjudge that he ‘is not getting into the spirit of the race with that attitude’. Hamilton earlier commented that he preferred the British Grand Prix.

Vettel leads away to the sound of moans. Alonso and Massa have an extraordinary battle that lasts for around 25 laps. They continuously change position in a fight to win 2^nd place. Radio transmission suggests that Massa has begun ignoring team orders, and TV audiences are shocked when he responds “Get off, I’m not your dog”. During his mandatory pit-stop, the Ferrari mechanics “Forget” how to put tyres on, and this drops him down in 20^th. Vettel is unchallenged as he wins his 9^th race of the season. “Fruit Ninja!” he simply cries.

Part 2 never happened, unfortunately...

Feeling Metro-cidal

I'm not a man who enjoys a morning. I often use this fact to justify the normality of my sleeping through the most of them, but sometimes that early drag of an awakening is unavoidable. That was the case today, as I was on my way back to Portsmouth for a visit to the family, as well as another trip to Fratton Park (which, of the two, was the most enticing draw).

Having got back late from a friend's house last night, and then spending a couple of restless hours on the internet, I finally put my head against the pillow at 3am. My coach was scheduled for 10am, meaning my sleep was cut to about five hours as I had to squeeze between commuters and get the tube from Wimbledon Park to Victoria, where the bus station was. Having fought my body over a potential extension to my sleep, I stumbled towards Wimbledon Park station and unwittingly picked up a copy of the Metro. Boy, that was a mistake. Having used the ounce of energy left within me to snatch at the final seat on the train, I leant my head back exasperatedly and gazed at the newspaper.

'News' being the dubious word there. You could easily replace it with 'mind-crushing depression for the very soul'. Given that this was a paper for commuters attempting to wake their brain up, it was only fitting that the front page had an article about children being accused of witchcraft and tortured. What a sunny outlook to begin the day with. The only mild relief my brain got out of the cover was the thoughtful juxtaposition of the inset picture, which was Prince Charles yielding a gun.

Ignoring the fluff piece about Eurovision on page three, I quickly moved onto the next spread. On page five, I was greeted by a cheery number labelled "A STAGGERING ACT OF CRUELTY" topped with cheery pictures of bloodstained ceramic slabs, a hammer (also bloodstained), a knife and a pair of pliers. The imagination may not be bright in that daybreak stupor, but it doesn't take long to muster up the imagery of this particular crime.

'It can only get better', I dare to think. Moving on to the next pages, we get not one, but two lovely stories of an unbelievably tragic nature. One regarding a terminally ill child that discovered his fate after Googling his symptoms, and one regarding a mother who had gone into labour whilst at the grave of her dead fiance. I can tell you, the stifled smiles and giggles from everyone reading this particular page just lit up the train!

'Wow', I thought, 'That is surely all the human tragedy they can shove into one morning...'. Oh my naive morning self can be so adorable. Turning to the next pages, we get another brace of tragic tales. Lucky me! One regards the suicide of PC Rathband, a unspeakably awful story, and the other talks about Holly Willoughby's live TV breakdown last night as she became tearful during a guests' recount of a cancer tale. Having a good morning yet, Londoners?

Editorially speaking, today's issue of the Metro was a disaster. I couldn't possibly make a judgement about it on a whole, as I don't pick it up often enough to get a complete picture of this paper, and today could easily have been a one-off. But in truth, this does seem to be a bit of a trend with all media at the moment. Tragedy makes for the best entertainment unfortunately, and you only have to look at some of the gawdy women's magazines for evidence. Some of the headlines on those tripey publications are completely laughable. "My dead husband's ghost raped me and then everyone I knew died" (That is an exaggeration, before you put that into Google).

Even with books now, we see that there is a market that plays to the morbid. Hundreds of books are now published which relay the every brutal act of a real-life childhood of abuse and pain. Often these books will have a title like 'That miserable kid' which is put in handwritten font, and there will be a picture of a child's face in the Sky above a lonely boy walking down a beach in the distance. Some of them chart a triumph over adversity, which is always nice. But a lot of them get hung up on the grizzly details, which grabs the attention of people like a car crash.

I'd like to think that as a society we're not so downbeat and despondent about everything. However, sales tell tales, and what we can learn from the most successful media outlets is that bad news will get more attention than good news. I suppose I'll have to learn to accept that. But please, in a free paper for morning commuters, can I not maybe get a happy thought somewhere in the first nine pages? Or at least a picture of a lovely cat?