As Bad As It Looks? - Cyberbully (A Review)

Though my rage and alcohol-fuelled review of Keith Lemon: The Movie seemed to me, in retrospect, to be a rambling mess, it managed to generate quite a few views. That may have been down to sympathetic members of forums clicking on the article following a less-than-dignified plug, but Blogger informs me that at least one view came from the search terms "big cock", so there's a lesson in marketing for you kids.

Nevertheless, it somehow worked and with Netflix offering up a wide range of tripe to be viewed, it seemed unfair for me not to utilise the service and make the gamut of terrible films into something productive. With that, I decided to start a new series of reviews named "As Bad As It Looks?". The idea is that I will be watching films that seem like the sort of thing I would never in a million years find tolerable. I'm hoping that eventually I'll find one that I actually like, but sadly this was not the case with today's choice: Cyberbully.

Cyberbullying is a hot topic at the moment, with BBC News reporting yesterday that one in five children are subject to bullying online. To make a film surrounding the issue would take some clever story-work, some delicate touches, believable character and a clear well-executed message. This film had none of those.

Our story revolves around a high-school girl named Taylor, who finally gets her own laptop that she can use away from her over-protective mother. She signs up to a social networking site named Cliquester, and her brother gets onto her laptop and posts a ridiculous status (Frape? Crape? I dunno what you'd call it). This incomprehensibly starts a wave of vicious comments being posted on her page by classmates.

The film follows a fairly routine format in this regard. Taylor reads nasty comments, then cries whilst sad music plays, then one of her friends ditches her. The bullies themselves are actually incredibly funny in this film, as they are completely over-the-top and seem to go above and beyond to taunt their victim. They even produce a miniature film, with masks and costumes and everything, just to make fun of Taylor. I don't care what you say, they deserve some kudos for their commitment.

As well as comments from these remarkably one-dimensional villains, we have a mysterious boy called James initially posting to show support for Taylor. When he inexplicably changes his tune to claim that Taylor gave him an STD, it becomes apparent that the account was a fake. This is all too much for Taylor, who posts a farewell video before attempting suicide.

Now in fairness, the actual moment where Taylor tries to commit suicide is actually pretty well done. Her friend Samantha rushes to her house and frantically calls Taylor's mother. The ambulance arrives, they dart around the house looking for her. I think maybe the sudden moment of drama just made a nice change to the moping around and reading things online that was pretty much the entire first half of the film. When they finally find her, she's trying to open a bottle of pills while screaming "I CAN'T GET IT OPEN". This goes down as the funniest suicide attempt in film history. Samantha restrains her, and Taylor breaks down in tears.

For some reason, in the next scene she's in a hospital, being sedated and attached to a heart-monitor (they make it clear she didn't take anything, so as far as precautions go this is like wearing a helmet to put shoes on). Then the film becomes about a cause, but I think they had trouble working out what it was. First, the Mother seems determined to find out who James was even though the other bullies were far nastier and more persistent than 'James'. She even confronts Lindsay, the ringleader of the bullies, but pays no interest while she tries to find out who was responsible for the fake profile

.

Notice how contrived this is all sounding? Well the reason the story puts so much stock in finding out who was behind the James profile is because it was actually Taylor's best friend Samantha. This is completely bizarre and I was baffled as to why they felt the character should do such a thing. They eventually reveal it was because of jealousy as a boy asked her out to the dance, yet despite my theory that 99% of high-school girls are psychotic, I simply cannot fathom why this would happen. Taylor finds out and the two aren't friends anymore.

Anyway, the Mother's cause in the film becomes apparent when she chases ways for the cyberbullying to be prevented. First, she goes to the principal, who basically says he can't do anything about what happens online and claims that he has no legal right to punish children over what they do on the internet. Either this is the most spineless principal in the world, or the writer's chose another cop-out route.

So the Mother goes to her local senator, who says that he sees no reason for a law against cyberbullying. Finally, the Mother decides that talking to a journalist and pressuring the senator into a law change is her only option. This is when the film's message finally became apparent: "THERE SHOULD BE A LAW AGAINST THIS". As far as moral crusades go, putting forward the idea that constant harassment should be illegal is rather easy.

The journalist says he will do a story with Taylor, but only if Samantha is interviewed with her as well. Why a journalist would take the angle of "Let's hear two high school girls talk about their bitchy catfight" as opposed to "An isolated young girl who tried to take her own life", I don't know, but it allows the film come to a conclusion so let's not have a go at it. The two patch up their differences, and the story is so influential that the senator completely changes his mind in an instant and draws up a new law against cyberbullying.

The final scene is vomit-inducing. Taylor finally returns to school following her suicide attempt, and suffers another biting comment from Lindsay and the bullies. She decides not to let it go this time, and calmly starts to tell Lindsay how her words hurt. Just a few seconds into this quiet speech, kids from all over the cafeteria start to turn around and say "Hey look over there!". Then Taylor's friends begin to chime in saying that Lindsay is full of hate, and a couple of other bullied kids also add their thoughts. Lindsay is mildly bemused and leaves the cafeteria, leaving the viewer to wonder if that really was supposed to be the pay-off. The film ends with shots of kids using their phones to inform friends of the incredible smackdown Taylor just handed Lindsay, with one response being "Wow! So it's safe to go online again?"

So what's wrong with Cyberbully? It's by no means the worst film ever, but it doesn't present a realistic outlook on the problem of cyberbullying in the first place, and I think that is where the whole concept collapses. Cyberbullying isn't something that begins with a 'frape', or is a result of a Mother's intrusion being withdrawn. It's an extension of real-life bullying, and the worst of it can be the anonymous comments that endlessly follow a victim around.

Taylor makes no attempt to end the cyberbullying. It is quickly established that Cliquester uses a friend request system, and yet she accepts everyone who bullies her as a friend. At no point does she try to unfriend people, nor does she ever block anyone (one scene in a support group shows the therapy douche suggesting that they block a bully, and Taylor remarks "I never knew you could do that!"). The worst cyberbullying is that which a victim cannot get away from, and yet Taylor could have easily gotten away from this.

As well as this, the characters themselves are very bland and almost indistinguishable from one another. It seemed that the makers wanted a safe drama about typical teenage girls going through this "cyberbullying" thing they had heard all about, and put little effort into making it interesting or realistic. There are some scenes that work to create some drama, such as the suicide scene, but otherwise this is just a dull watch. 

My main problem though, is that this film pretends it has a message; that it's saying something profound about cyberbullying. What it's really doing is pointing at it. The solution to Taylor's problem was for her to stay off of school for a while and then tell Lindsay she's a big meanie. I don't think that's a message that any young people suffering the same problems will be able to use with any great effect.

*   *   *   *   *

My final rating for this film: 4/10. That puts it above Keith Lemon: The Movie in the ABAIL chart, which will hopefully become a catalogue of the worst-looking films available to watch.

ABAIT Chart:

1. Cyberbully - 4/10

2. Keith Lemon: The Movie - 1/10

Qat-are You Serious, FIFA?

Upon the announcement that the 2018 and 2022 World Cups would be hosted in Russia and Qatar respectively, I wrote a piece for the University newspaper defending the decision to award Russia the 2018 tournament, but displaying some confusion at the choice of Qatar for 2022. Though in the interests of writing brash and sensational articles for the University I put the decision down to money, at the time I concluded internally that such a feeling could only be a result of the anger we were all feeling that England's realistic bid for 2018 had been rejected at the first round of voting.

There was definitely a cause for concern when the choices were made. With Qatar especially, it became very difficult to rationalise how they had bluffed their way into hosting a World Cup. The national team have no presence in the world of football and construction had started on almost none of the proposed stadiums to be used for the tournament in their bid. With nations such as the USA and Australia (had they been chosen, the World Cup would have had the distinction of being held in every continent) pitted against them for the 2022 event, it simply became a question of 'why?', and the idea of money was not a stranger to many lips.

Though the thought was tempting, in truth I considered Russia to be a huge footballing nation that, by now, really should have hosted a World Cup. Though Qatar was a more difficult choice to justify, I also considered that this was the sort of region football owed a visit. Given how Formula One spends a lot of time in places like Abu Dhabi and Bahrain despite these countries having no real pedigree for the sport, it seemed that perhaps FIFA's decision came from a similar ambition to place the prestige of the World Cup in this region, and to give the unique tournament another unique location in which historic moments could take place.

 

Boy, was that a stretch.

It only took a short while for issues to be raised that made Qatar out to be a massively unsuitable location for a World Cup. The first was the problem of homosexuality, which is outlawed in Qatar. It is debatable as to whether the FIFA executives were aware of this, or whether they were ignorant enough not to see it as a problem, but with football still struggling to get to grips with the idea of  homosexuality in the sport this was a bad time to take the most prestigious event in the sport to a country with such a discriminatory attitude. Though David Cameron recently showed the sort of poise natural to a politician by dancing around the issue in relation to the Winter Olympics in Russia (we can let FIFA off with the World Cup in Russia, as the laws were not in place when they were awarded the tournament to them), Blatter clumsily clattered into the problem by commenting that gay people should "refrain from sexual activity" when attending the event.

Then came the revelation that it's quite hot in Qatar, and this has put many footballing organisations into a troublesome bind. With temperatures of up to 50°c commonplace during Qatari summers, it quickly became apparent that playing football in such weather was a terrible idea. Just as Blatter scrambled to pretend that the homosexuality issue had indeed been considered by FIFA and there was a simple answer to it, he repeated the same trick with this more practical problem by suggesting that the World Cup would be held in winter.

Naturally, many football fans weren't too impressed by the idea of overturning the whole calender of football for a season in order to accommodate for FIFA's idiotic whims, but Blatter pressed on with the idea in the face of opposition. FIFA vice-president Jim Boyce's comments today suggesting that the Premier League should just get on with it are frustrating enough, but one part of the article on BBC Sport confirmed the very worst of my fears. To quote the piece:

"[Boyce] also acknowledged that, before it voted in 2010 to award the event to Qatar, Fifa did not fully consider the implications of playing there during the summer, when temperatures can reach 50C."

I can't profess to knowing the ins and outs of how FIFA's decision making process works for the hosting of the World Cup, but if the first question is not "Can you play football there?", then something is seriously, seriously wrong.

It is impossible to put up a front and say that there is any alternative. FIFA executives, when making the decision to award the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, clearly did not take into account footballing pedigree, spreading the tournament across the world, existing infrastructure, the political situation of the country in question, or even whether it is feasible that football can take place there. I used to believe that my conclusion three years ago, that money was the root of the decision, was a cheap way to push the reader into a reaction. Now is the grim realisation that I had actually hit the nail squarely on the head.

Despite the strong opposition from the Premier League, it is difficult to envisage a way in which a winter World Cup does not take place. Playing in such heat would not only be difficult for players, it would be outright dangerous, so that possibility is out. FIFA won't reverse their decision either, as I'd imagine it would allow Qatar to take legal action against the organisation, and that would mean money coming out of executive pockets, so this is not going to happen either. The only conclusion now is for the tradition and legacy of the World Cup, and an entire domestic season, to be ruined by pigs in need of a bigger trough.

Top 100 F1 Drivers: Number 50. Michele Alboreto

 50. Michele Alboreto (Italy) 194 Starts, 5 Race Wins, 250.1 F-Points

Since Alberto Ascari, no Italian has won the Formula One World Championship, but Michele Alboreto arguably came closest. Having grown up in Milan, Alboreto's introduction to the world of motor racing was through his pursuit of technical design, which he used to help build his first car for the Formula Monza series. Though his machinery was not successful, once his breakthrough into the sport had been made he was able to establish himself as a talented driver, winning races in a March and being snapped up for the Formula 3 series in 1979.

The following year, Alboreto was able to take the European Formula Three title, and his success started to draw the interest of Formula One outfits. Tyrrell struck a deal with the Italian, and gave him a place in their team for the 1981 season. In the meantime, Alboreto broadened his horizons by participating in sportscar races, including the 24 Hours of Le Mans race and the Six Hours of Watkins Glen event, which he won alongside fellow Italian Riccardo Patrese.

Up until 1983 Alboreto continued to take part in sportscar races, partnering Patrese in the Lancia team. The two had moderate success in the Endurance Race championships, but when Lancia converted their team for the World Sportscar Championship, opportunities for victory became sparse.

Nevertheless, by this time Alboreto was beginning to demonstrate his capabilities to the world of Formula One. Despite his first season in the Tyrrell amounting to very little, 1982 saw the Italian score his first podium finish when he took third place at the San Marino Grand Prix. However, this achievement was somewhat tainted by the fact that many of the teams had boycotted the race due to an ongoing political war strangling the sport. 

If the podium at San Marino had failed to prove Alboreto's ability, then the last race of the season tucked any doubts safely away as the Italian scored his first victory of his career. At the Las Vegas Grand Prix, Alboreto drove fantastically to catch up with and pass Alain Prost for the lead. Once ahead, he held steady and was able to take Tyrrell's first race win for four years.

Alboreto continued at Tyrrell for 1983, but the car was far less competitive than in the previous season due to it not being fitted with the turbo engines that other top teams were now adopting. Both Alboreto and his teammate Danny Sullivan struggled to score points at all during the season, but Alboreto did manage a surprise race victory when he came home first at the Detroit Grand Prix. The impact of the turbo-engines were diminished by the tight and difficult circuit, and having qualified in sixth Alboreto was able to take advantage of his rivals' misfortune for an unlikely triumph.

Dissatisfied with the car Tyrrell had provided him, Alboreto sought new pastures and leapt when the opportunity arose for him to drive for Ferrari. In doing so, Alboreto became the first Italian in over a decade to drive for the famous team, and he flew his country's flag with pride by scoring his first victory for Scuderia just three races into the season. At the Belgian Grand Prix, Alboreto took pole position and completed a lights-to-flag victory, ahead of his new teammate Rene Arnoux for a 1-3 finish.

Though the success at Zolder showed promise for Alboreto's 1984 campaign, reliability issues blighted the middle of the season for the Italian. It was only in the final few races that he was able to pick up significant points, scoring podiums at Austria, Italy and Europe to finish fourth place in the Drivers' Championship.

The following year would be Alboreto's best shot at the title. With mechanical problems seemingly a thing of the past, the Italian was able to take eight podiums in the first ten races of the 1985 season. In the midst of these podiums were two race victories. The first was at the Canadian Grand Prix, where Alboreto and the other Ferrari driver Stefan Johansson pushed home a 1-2 finish. A few races later at the German Grand Prix, Alboreto worked his way through the pack to take his fifth career victory. At the end of the Austrian Grand Prix Alboreto had amassed 50 points, which put him level with McLaren's Alain Prost. It appeared that a titanic fight for the championship was on the cards between two drivers who were very much capable of wearing the crown.

But the Ferrari faltered and left Alboreto forlorn. The Italian had to retire from the last five races for various car failures, and that allowed Prost to romp home to the 1985 World Championship. It had been a tremendous effort from Alboreto, but it was to be his only real chance of title glory. The following year's Ferrari struggled further with reliability problems, and the only ray of sunshine in that 1986 campaign was a second-place finish at the Austrian Grand Prix, where Alboreto finished a lap behind Alain Prost in first.

1987 marked the beginning of Alboreto's decline from the world of Formula One. Ferrari chose to bring in Austrian driver Gerhard Berger, and Berger quickly established himself as the quicker driver. Though the Austrian managed two victories during the season, Alboreto could only achieve three podiums and finished the season with less than half the points his teammate scored.

Though Alboreto improved slightly for 1988, Ferrari deemed that he was no longer to be a part of their team and refused to offer him a new contract. Alboreto's career was close to experiencing a second wind when Frank Williams got in touch with the Italian and asked him not to sign any deals, indicating that he would be offered a drive for Williams for 1989. The offer never materialised, and having held out for the Williams seat Alboreto was caught off guard and had few options left.

Alboreto's family encouraged him to retire, but he instead opted for a return to his former team Tyrrell. Four races into the season Alboreto was able to score what would be his final podium in Formula One when he finished third at the Mexican Grand Prix. However, his relationship with the team deteriorated following a dispute over sponsorship, and Alboreto found himself kicked out just six races into the 1989 season. He ended the year with a fruitless stint at Larousse, compounding his misery by breaking his ribs while going over a chicane at the Hungarian Grand Prix.

In 1990 Alboreto moved onto a new project with the Footwork team, who were going through a transition while the outfit were sold by Arrows. As an experienced pair of hands, Alboreto was of great use to the ailing team and managed to keep them running in respectable positions on the track. Though he was unable to score any points in his first season at the team, a switch to Porsche engines promised much for 1991.

The results were disastrous, as the car was extremely unbalanced and barely managed to qualify at all throughout the season. A switch to Honda engines in 1992 improved fortunes, with Alboreto taking a smattering of points during the campaign. However, such measly success was a far cry from Alboreto's time at Ferrari, and it seemed his Formula One career was coming to a close. A stint with Scuderia Italia, which then became Minardi, marked Alboreto's final two seasons in Grand Prix racing.

Alboreto continued to race in other series such as IndyCar and Sportscar racing, but his most significant success following his F1 career was winning the 1997 24 Hours of Le Mans race alongside his former teammate at Ferrari Stefan Johansson.

In 2001 Michele Alboreto suffered a tyre failure while testing an Audi R8 in Germany. His car crashed into a wall and he was killed. He was 44.

Keith Lemon: The Movie - A Review

Remember that old adage "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it"? I believe it to be a complete falsehood. Many clues beyond the 'trying' of something can help to ascertain an early opinion of something, and I believe that with such preparation, you can naturally eliminate things in life without having to actually find out you don't like them.

Such is this, that I rarely watch films I actually don't like. I tend to know enough about a film that I can hazard a good guess as to whether or not I'll like it before watching. There are a few exceptions (I hated Into The Wild, expecting to love it. I enjoyed 2012, expecting to hate it), but generally I get it right. However, sometimes forcing yourself to try something you have a preconceived dislike of is a good exercise.

With iCheckMovies informing me that my 500th movie viewing-experience is fast approaching, I've decided to celebrate by stepping outside of my comfort zone. I have very little idea of what a Keith Lemon is besides a few trailers and clips of him that annoy me. This is a classic case of preconceived dislike, but tonight I will forego that and embrace the possibility that I may find an appreciation for Leigh Francis' character. After all, I liked Bo' Selecta when I was growing up... how bad can this be?

Thankfully, the theatrical release Keith Lemon: The Movie means I don't have to wade through the reams of television shows that have been produced. One 90 minute flick will be all I need to form an opinion that is based on first-hand experience, rather than hearsay and trailers. Now I must emphasise that as I write this part of the article, I genuinely haven't watched the film and have no idea what to expect. I'm keeping my mind as open as possible with this one, so goodness knows where we'll go from here. I'm keeping a video diary of it though, just so I have something to document should I black out or get lost in a drunken stupor.

So here we go then. With Netflix suggesting that my rating for this film will be 1 star exactly, I'm finding it difficult to maintain an optimism in watching this film, but I will not be put down so easily. Two glasses of red wine should ease the pain, anyway...

The Next Day

So I awake the next morning to find that I have written 1500 words in notes, and filmed 48 minutes worth of video, entirely devoted to my hatred for this film. That is never a good sign. Further down the list of notes, and as the video clips go on, it becomes apparent that I became drunker and more angry as the film went on. My memory is hazy, but in referring to my notes I believe a summary of the film's weaknesses is possible.

The first notes that strike a chord in my brain are the following:

Is "Seagulled all over your bangers" supposed to be funny? For a person who doesn't know anything about Keith Lemon, this is just confusing.

What about "bang tidy". Is that a joke? You see, spouting catchphrases doesn't work if you're trying to sell to an audience bigger than your ITV2 following...

This was right at the beginning of the film, and while the catchphrases became less prevalent it raises an immediate point about the idiocy and short-sightedness of the writing in this film. Releasing a film means a lot of people who aren't a part of your captive audience will see your shtick. That includes influential people, such as critics and reviewers. If you make a film that relies on catchphrases that are never explained for humour, then you are already alienating those people who don't know what a Keith Lemon is. Y'know, people like me...

As the film goes on, a fatal error in its attempts at comedy becomes apparent. This film throws everything at the viewer just to get a laugh, whether it be a catchphrase, a terrible euphemism, a celebrity cameo, a funny face, a bum, a fart, a mention of testicles, witless wordplay, Verne Troyer... everything. It's a classic case of the writers having no confidence in any of their punches landing, so they throw a million in there and hope beyond hope that enough of them work. With no conviction behind the style of comedy this film wants to attempt, it becomes a mish-mash of gags that slowly infuriate the audience into hating it. 

Just to demonstrate, here are the notes of different jokes I made in the first ten minutes. I kid you not...

Already shagging noises.... Funny?

OK, so first scene in. We have a sort of dream sex scene. Then a Bo Selecta cameo. I mean, so far it's not terrible, but there haven't been any jokes yet.

WAIT - was the things he was saying during the sex scene supposed to be a joke?

He then wakes up and farts. Well, first joke out of the way. That was a belter.

He's eating a mashed potato sandwich. I.... I don't know what this is.

HE'S LATE!!! GEDDIT?!?!?!

Well, I'm sure that bum we get to see was artistically justified....

"Maybe even Torquay"... well, it's an attempt at a joke...

"Rosie, the only thing that's going to be expanding is my big fat penis in your mouth" That would get you arrested.

These quick jokes are the most horrendous things I've ever heard.

Spice Girl cameo, don't know which one.

Another Spice Girl. Don't know which one.

Oh, the first one was Emma BunTON apparently.

Euphemism jokes with a Spice Girl. Funny.

Oh God, another Bo Selecta cameo, but without any funny in it.

Why is Gary Barlow in this now? Are the cameos the only way they could think of filling time?

"Please keep off the grass". He's on the grass. They're trying everything.

JEDWARD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!!

As you can see, this is just a complete mess and really does show the scattergun approach that the film had, and ultimately failed with.

Another thing you'll note is the number of cameos. Again, this was something that was mainly confined to the first 10 minutes, and then towards the end, but it still demonstrates just how tacky this film is. Jedward making an appearance in anything is the shit seal of approval, but give the film credit for finding other ways of displaying it's shit-tistic creativity. Who would have expected Chris Moyles to make an appearance in this, for example?

I'm not sure whether the cameos are there to get a laugh, or whether the audience is supposed to be impressed that the celebrity graced us with screen-time. Most of them will have one very half-arsed joke associated with their appearance in the film, but it's not given enough time to develop into anything at all. For example, Jedward are just there to do a dance. I'm not even kidding, that's literally all they do. 

So 15 minutes in, we finally get to the plot. Keith Lemon has invented something along with his girlfriend and Keith Bishop, but it's not selling. Then this mad Indian bloke comes up to him during a convention and sets race relations back 100 years. He also gives Keith Lemon a phone without buttons (because in this universe the touchscreen phone hasn't been invented yet, so we're in 2006 even though a lot of the celebrities weren't... oh never mind) and tells Keith to sell it. 

Keith's all miserable and goes to a strip club with Paddy McGuiness, which reminds me of another note that I want to bring up...

They wouldn't show tits. THEY WOULDN'T SHOW TITS? IT'S A FILM, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO! DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE ABOVE IT YOU TWATS

Yep, they censored out the tits. For a film that has carved up the bottom of the barrel and is now digging far beneath it, that is a bizarre standard to have. Later on there is a scene where Keith Lemon cums everywhere, and this is OK to show in its full glory (minus the penis itself). But a tit? Woah, that's.... sexist? I don't even know what their thinking is here.

For some reason he orders 1000000 poles for his old invention (I must have switched off because I really don't know why) from a guy called Evil Steve (yes, that is the name of the villain. Evil Steve. I'm starting to remember why most of my videos comprised of me shouting "fuck" down the camera over and over again). This gets his girlfriend and Kevin Bishop into trouble with the aforementioned Steve, who kidnaps the woman but can't be bothered with Bishop for some reason.

Keith Lemon heads back home but is mugged. This was perhaps the most cringeworthy scene in cinema history, as Lemon made vein attempts at comedy with funny 'street talk' and 'karate'. He also mentioned that Billy Ocean is his Dad, which is later confirmed to be true because that's also funny. I mean, he's black? That's just mental. The teenagers do the decent thing and mug the hell out of him, and Keith passes out. 

We're treated to a view of Keith's subconscious mind, and Keith gurns towards the audience while asking "So what am I thinking?"...

"What am I thinking". I dunno, tits?

It was arses. Close.

This is when it dawned on me that Keith Lemon has one joke - he's lewd. That's basically it, and there is no character beyond that. Lewdness itself can be funny when you believe that the character is real. It can make you feel uncomfortable, or force a wry smile in disbelief at what this character thinks he can get away with. However, Keith Lemon is in no way a believable character, so what we get instead is the most predictable and boring jokes feasible.

Keith wakes up to find his trousers are missing. Now, if you're are mugging someone and you knock them out, you'd imagine emptying their pockets would suffice in getting all the stuff you wanted, but the writers desperately needed a reason to show Keith's arse again so I suppose we'll just have to suspend our disbelief here. His phone leads him to Verne Troyer for whatever reason who fixes him up with an interview on a David Hasselhoff show. While on the show, Keith puts a lemon on the back of the phone and that makes everyone go wild for it.

Now, ignoring how utterly contrived this plot point is, I have to bring up one of the most infuriating scenes in the film. Kelly Brook walks by Keith and Keith says to her "Ohh, I had a dream about you last night". Kelly asks what it was about and Keith says "You were saying faster, then slower, then I started licking you downstairs", and proceeds to mime licking Kelly Brook's fanny. Now, why the hell am I supposed to like a character that does this? There's naively stepping over the mark, and then there's being a fucking pig, and Keith's the latter. Oh yeah, I should be laughing at how inappropriate that is, but really I just fucking hate life at this point.

And it gets worse. After the Hasslehoff interview Brook gives Keith her number, and tells him to call her any time. This sent me insane, and the alcohol had clearly started to take effect at this point as my note for this moment was:

"Call me any time" says Kelly Brook. THAT'S HOW YOU WIN A WOMANAWE:KFGW:KERntgwerpighweaporuhgoerf;qgg

So now that he's instantly successful he's forgotten about all his friends. Smell a lesson, anyone? We get the generic "Now I'm Rich!" montage, and I leave the summary of this scene to my notes, now growing gradually sloppier with each swig of lager and each rage-inducing moment.

Dr. Fallus: Senior Cock Enlargist. He shows off a big picture of penises.

Now he has a big cock. LOLLOLLOLOOLOLGLRWEgKWREoigw54;giohn

Fucking Brook in public. LWER)IQer;oigjher[h

She sucks asparagus seductively. He pokes mashed potato seductively. I hang myself promptly.

Vernon Kay cameo! Makes a Bangers and Gash joke!;34j

Oh, here's Evil Steve. Who would've seen that coming!?!?!?!?!L1234jhobthq

Talking about full penatrative sex with Kell Brook

Just to keep some form of plot ticking over, we see Evil Steve in his lair with Keith's girlfriend tied up. They make another joke about how he and his little henchman have had gay experiences with each other. Think of that! Gay! In this day and age! But don't let any form of story get in the way of a hilarious scene between Lemon and Brook where they pull seductive faces at each other. The film really reaches Beavis and Butthead territory when Keith sees Brook in a bikini and the 'boyoyoyoyoyoyoing' sound effect is played. I take that back, even Beavis and Butthead would hate this.

So Keith Lemon holds a rich-guy party (Which is covered by the news, for some reason) and he's there being all rich. Verne Troyer is now the voice of reason, telling Keith he should be worried about his girlfriend, but Keith's having none of it. Why does Verne Troyer care? Well, I don't care if I spoil it for you when I reveal that Verne's actually Keith's guardian angel who wants to show him the life he wants so he appreciates the life he already had, which makes this film kind of like It's A Wonderful Life... except horrible.

It turns out the phone Keith Lemon invented causes droopy mouth, and when Kelly Brook becomes afflicted with the condition, Keith Lemon instantly finds her unattractive. Classy guy. Everyone turns against him, and suddenly he decides he needs his friends again. That's the sort of character I like, the one who uses people when  he needs them. He really has learned his lesson.

He is flown to Evil Steve's hideout by Verne Troyer and luckily lands on Steve which crushes him, taking away any tension that may have been built up by them having any kind of final conflict. His girlfriend forgives him for cumming all over Kelly Brook and basically not caring about her until she's his best option again, the film ends after a total of two mild bloopers in the credits, and everyone asks for a refund.

In what world was this film supposed to be funny? The jokes are terrible, the story is lazy and extraordinarily contrived, and it's clear that nobody in this film could really act. Kelly Brook is terrible, Keith Bishop (though he really, really tries) is terrible, and Keith Lemon is a one-note character anyway, so he's terrible. This is a film that just didn't need to be made. There was no attempt to translate Keith Lemon to the big screen at all, and it felt to me like the writers thought they would ride the wave of the Inbetweeners Movie success and just have an automatic hit.

I'm glad this film was hated, because Paddy McGuiness had the temerity to mention the possibility of a sequel during the film. If that happens, I may have to shoot myself.

Notes in full

Oh my God what am I doing to myself? (Before the movie has started)

I mean, 85 minutes can't be that bad.... (Still hasn't started).

Already shagging noises.... Funny?

OK, so first scene in. We have a sort of dream sex scene. Then a Bo Selecta cameo. I mean, so far it's not terrible, but there haven't been any jokes yet.

WAIT - was the things he was saying during the sex scene supposed to be a joke?

He then wakes up and farts. Well, first joke out of the way. That was a belter.

Is "Seagulled all over your bangers" supposed to be funny? For a person who doesn't know anything about Keith Lemon, this is just confusing.

He's eating a mashed potato sandwich. I.... I don't know what this is.

HE'S LATE!!! GEDDIT?!?!?!

Well, I'm sure that bum we get to see was artistically justified....

What about "bang tidy". Is that a joke? You see, spouting catchphrases doesn't work if you're trying to sell to an audience bigger than your ITV2 following...

"Maybe even Torquay"... well, it's an attempt at a joke...

OK, that might be the worst joke ever.

"Rosie, the only thing that's going to be expanding is my big fat penis in your mouth" That would get you arrested.

These quick jokes are the most horrendous things I've ever heard.

Spice Girl cameo, don't know which one.

Another Spice Girl. Don't know which one.

Oh, the first one was Emma BunTON apparently.

Euphemism jokes with a Spice Girl. Funny.

Oh God, another Bo Selecta cameo, but without any funny in it.

Why is Gary Barlow in this now? Are the cameos the only way they could think of filling time?

"Please keep off the grass". He's on the grass. They're trying everything.

JEDWARD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!!

They can't act either.

"Twazzocks". Another catchphrase.

Oh my God. Oh no. Oh no please no.

So his invention is basically a dildo. That's genuinely the punchline you're going for.

"Allow me to demonstrate this erection". 12-year olds would be above this.

Ohhhh, OK. I guess it's not a dildo. It really looked like one. I guess it was a visual gag. My bad.

Mad asian bloke likes the invention.

Uhmmm, this is definitely racist, I just can't work out what race they're insulting...

He's invented a phone with no buttons? Has he not heard of an iPhone?

OK, so they're trying to advance the plot butthis is horrible. Are they trying funny anymore? I don't know...

"The show is over". Wow, just 2 minutes after his demonstration. He.... timed that badly.

Lily Allen song? Anyway, the song goes "What you being a dickhead for". I guess they figured the swearing would be funny or something, as this does not fit the scene at all.

TLC: Tender Lemon Cuddles. Funny.

"Will you nosh me off?"

Ohhhhh, the joke is there's no-one there. Uhmmmm.....

This is stupid.

A couple sees him. They make surprised faces as Keith Lemon exaggerates his positions.

I mean, this wouldn't be any better if there was actually someone there, so the joke doesn't work.

Evil Steve is genuinely the name of the villain?

Something to do with foreskin. I don't know.

Paddy McGuiness. What?

They wouldn't show tits. THEY WOULDN'T SHOW TITS? IT'S A FILM, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO! DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE ABOVE IT YOU TWATS

London people don't understand accents. Nope. Naaaht true baby.

His head is in tits. LOL.

Ohhhhh, Paddy McGuinnes's Mum is there, how funny.

Kevin Bishop is really trying. It doesn't work.

Oh my God. Another genital joke. How does this keep happening.

"Give us your fucking money". Is this The Room

He's trying to do street talk. That's a fresh joke.

Celeb name drop. Don't geddit.

Ohhhh, it's true that his Dad is Billy Ocean. They are trying everything. Seriously. It's all falling flat.

Pretending to do karate. Funny too.

Shops. Funny again.

"What am I thinking". I dunno, tits?

Arses. Close.

A phone cannot do the functions this is doing.

More of his arse. Thanks.

Wait, why did they take his trousers? I mean, he had passed out, they just needed to empty his pockets.

Oh God, how many short jokes will there be about Verne Troyer.

I'm counting his shocked facial expression as one.

"I've always dreamed of being the next Richard Branston... y'know, Branston Pickles." Trying EVERYTHING.

OH MY GOD MORE SHIT ABOUT HIS ARSE. CHRIST THE FUCK.

"I'm not the bad man here... it's Evil Steve". Christ.

"Shooting pain in my arsehole". WILL THEY STOP DOING ARSE JOKES.

Ooh, real tits.

"Titmatised". That is fucking ridiculous.

"I'm in Dire straits. Not the band, the predicament." UGH

Why is Verne Troyer in this movie?

"Cock enlargement for meself"? They CHWWYAFe rgERjiwaeprkigj#w

Second short joke. He's in a trolley.

Oh, here's David Hasselhoff. Sure.

A joke about 'boning' Pamela Anderson.

I'll give this movie credit, they are trying jokes. They are just all abominations.

Keith pulls funny faces as he looks at an attractive woman. FUNYN.1

Oh it's Kelly Brook. Sure.

He tells her he was licking her fanny in a dream. Classy guy.

They call him Keith Melon on the Hoff Show. Ummmm.

Oh, he invented touchscreen phones. Wait... when is this then?

'Cos David Hasslehoff wasn't inBritain when... oh never mind.

They go mental 'cos there's a lemon on the phone. What?

Indian woman says cunt. Funny.

"You're my favourite client". This is The Room.

"Call me any time" says Kelly Brook. THAT'S HOW YOU WIN A WOMANAWE:KFGW:KERntgwerpighweaporuhgoerf;qgg

 Oh, he's forgotten about where he comes from. I smell a lesson.

I'm counting the shushing of Troyer as the third little joke.

Dr. Fallus: Senior Cock Enlargist. He shows off a big picture of penises.

Now he has a big cock. LOLLOLLOLOOLOLGLRWEgKWREoigw54;giohn

Fucking Brook in public. LWER)IQer;oigjher[h

She sucks asparagus seductively. He pokes mashed potato seductively. I hang myself promptly.

Vernon Kay cameo! Makes a Bangers and Gash joke!;34j

Oh, here's Evil Steve. Who would've seen that coming!?!?!?!?!L1234jhobthq

Talking about full penatrative sex with Kell Brook.

"He's not Giner, he's strawberry blonde". I yused that joke when i was F@UcKI(GNG 12

They're gay. (Evil stee and the cunt) Funny.

Oh, they like normal telly. But they're evil. WHAY A CONTRAST!!!?!?

Little toga. LEGITIMATE SHORT JOKE COS ITS A NAPKJIN!!!

How would the bank know how much money he has if he has it in cash. This is Junior School logic.

Kelly Brook can't ac.t.

Boyoyoyoyoyoing. Hehehehehehehehehehe.

"Constipate this releationship" {ETYOHk'/lihglwiuegtopweirhg0oepogijqa

He's still just making faces. AAAAAGHFWERFPGOJERGFO

AND SOUND EFFECTS. JESUSSSSS CHRISSSSYT!!!@;ker';potihjqepr

*Gasp* Minge. I think that summarises this movie.

*Gaps* Oooooooooooooooooooooooh And then he cums.

Explains Rambo really quickly to Brook. I' ve lost the motivation to do these notes.

Terrible stallone impression.

News segment for a rich guy party. No.

Why does Verne Troyer care about Keith Lemon's old relationship.

Gino D'Acampo cameo. Why not.

Ohhhh, it's the bear from Bo' Selecta. Yep...

The Indian woman sure does swear a lot. Because that is so funny.

Ohhh, they actually got Billy Ocean in there.... He must have been so proud of this cameo.

Another Bo' Selecta cameo. Who would know of this?

Keith Lemon, despite being a schovanistic dimwitted one-note cuntfaced PIG is able to play the saxonphone. W"ILLR QEWrogeTHGSI IFILM FIUCKDWMEFO OFF

It's Holly Willoughby. LOOLWN  WAUHT CELEBRITHTY!!!!!

Is that Fearnew Cotton? I neither know nor care.

"I'm gonna powder my boobs". LOL!!!!

Ronan Keating. LOL!!!!!

OK, asian racism.

KEEF REMON OHHHHH!

The Indian guy sings Hey Fatty Boom Boom to his wife. L:OL!

Ooooooh, he's changed!

OHhhh, he said Spa... but it turns out he can talk foreign. LERg@:WORK;uow43qh0-0n[o

lkwejwewefwe

"I would let you finger my arsehole Kelly Brook" :KGThqulierghq# OH GOOOOD WHUY WONT THIS ENDD!!?!?!??!?!

PETER ANDRE CAMEO

OH GOD CHRIS MOYLES!!!!

Now they're singing.

That's not Kelly Brook's voice. At all. It's Cilla Black's.

Auntie Fanny. LOL

"put a bag over your head it'll be alright". WHAYT A HERO!!!!

Oh, one of them was JAson Donovan. Sure.

Holly Willoughbooby. LOL!!!

I'll see you in the sequel. FUCK NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

This is so so so so so so so so so so so so sois sos so sos so sos os os s terrioble.

Verne Tyorer sitting in the O. Short kjoke number 6 or 5

Ohhh, he's had a revelation.

I know the real Keith Lemon. Kind, thoughtful lovely man. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH!?>!?!?!

"I've gota save Rosie" "YOU ARE A GOOD GUY" WELL THANSK FOR TELLING THE AUDIENCE TNHAT!!!!/2lwrowe4jintr3p-

Strawberry blonde joke again.

SOund effect jokes.

He falls off the building, but survives. What?

Verne Troyer saved him 'cos he's an angel. That's so fucking stupid I don't know what to do.

I think ive got a brown onion in me pants. What?

Keith Bishop is now Rambo. What?

The United States of Leeds. What?

More tiny cock jokes.

Emotional scene to end the film. Not earned.

"Will you marry me".

Schofield cameo.

They HAD KIDS. And they're called FUNNY CELEBRITY NAMEWS!

OH GOD THEY HAVE BLOOPERS NO NO NO NO!