So the F1 season is just a few days away. This is the end of that dry spell we F1 fans have to endure; to suffer. It’s like that Proclaimers song. They walked 500 miles – well, this is our 500 miles. It’s what we go through to make what we love so much more exciting.
Anyway, to fill the gap a little bit I’ve done a prediction about what’s going to happen during the Formula One season. I’ve worked with scientists, philosophers, physicists, engineers and Paul Ross, and we’ve come up with a practically impenetrable solution as to what will occur during the 2012 F1 season. It starts in Australia...
Australia
Before the start of the weekend, Bernie Ecclestone announces that the race has been moved forward three hours to ‘boost European audiences’. As the teams arrive in the glistening Ozzie sun, panic ensues when it appears that Kimi Raikkonen has gone missing. Qualifying begins. Lewis Hamilton seems to have set an absolute blinder and is romping towards pole until Sebastian Vettel manages to pull out an extra second on the flabbergasted Brit.
Raikkonen re-appears just hours before the race is to begin on Sunday. “I was having a shit”, he explains. The race starts and Vettel clears away into the lead, much to the groans of literally everyone. Kamui Kobayashi banzais his way from 15th to 4th in just five laps before slamming into the back of Lewis Hamilton. Lewis later receives a penalty for dangerous driving. Meanwhile, Massa is brought in early for his stop to keep Alonso on-strategy. The Brazilian does not complain. Alonso, however, does because he could see Massa in his mirrors at one point and it “put him off”.
After half an hour, the light level is too low and the race is red-flagged. The grid stays populated for two hours as Bernie insists he is “hopeful of a restart”. It is only after he is informed that the sun has gone down and light won’t resume, that a result is declared. Vettel wins the race with Button and Rosberg alongside him on the podium. Vettel celebrates his victory by singing the Nokia Theme Tune on the podium.
Malaysia
Rumours begin to surface of a disagreement between Vettel and Webber. Both attend a press-conference insisting their relationship is fine, whilst holding cold stares against each other. Meanwhile, live television audiences watch on in horror as Eddie Jordan protests against his wardrobe budget cuts by wearing nothing at all during the race weekend. Jake Humphrey and David Coulthard remain undeterred (they’d seen it all before).
Vettel storms to pole, with the commentators calling his lap “The most incredible, unexpected thing ever”. The next day, the race is delayed by five minutes as the cars are left waiting for the starting lights. “I was having a shit”, Charlie Whiting later explained. The Hispania team, who announced a new package of upgrades to the car the previous weekend, watch on as their drivers are lapped 30 times within the first hour.
Meanwhile at the front, Webber pulls off an extraordinary move to overtake Sebastian Vettel for the lead. However, Red Bull radio Webber to inform him that his driving was ‘dangerous’ and he ‘ought to give the position back’. He begrudgingly complies, and David Coulthard comments that it was a ‘sensible team order’. During the pit-stops, Lewis Hamilton gets on his limiter too late, and is 1mph over the speed limit upon pit-lane entry. He is consequently black-flagged.
Vettel storms home to another victory. He claims that this was ‘his greatest victory ever’. Webber refuses to comment.
China
Before the race, Ross Brawn of Mercedes announces that the team have begun planning for next year, and this season is irrelevant. Regardless, Michael Schumacher still claims he is the best driver in the world ever and will be Champion this season. He qualifies in 16th. Hamilton and Button appear to be dominating qualifying with superb times in Q1 and Q2. However, Sebastian Vettel pulls off another last-minute winner. “That is quite literally the best lap I’ve ever seen” shouts Martin Brundle, to a seething penniless Sky audience.
Problems persist at Williams as Mike Coughlan announces that he is retiring with immediate effect. The team reacts by saying that they will continue without anyone in the role of technical director. Meanwhile, McLaren rage as it is announced Jean Todt will be the guest steward for the race. He insists he will be fair before awarding Lewis Hamilton a five-place grid penalty for ‘unreasonably extravagant attire’.
The race is red-flagged after five laps as Kamui Kobayashi begins driving the wrong way down the track. He is radioed several times with angry bosses informing him he needs to pull over, but Kobayashi refuses, shouting “I got this one in the bag”. He eventually runs out of petrol and marshalls remove him from the track. The race restarts after a lengthy delay and Massa, who qualified just ahead of Alonso, if informed by guest steward Jean Todt that he has to give the position back to Alonso for a dangerous overtake. Massa accepts this with a smile.
Vettel cruises home three minutes ahead of the rest of the pack, to secure his third win of the season.
Bahrain
The teams all agree to a last minute boycott of the race. However, Bernie Ecclestone continues to insist that the race ‘will go ahead’. Come race day, TV audiences watch in their millions as Bernie Ecclestone, alone, runs around the track 50 times. Breathlessly, he explains “It was important that the race went ahead in some form”. Ecclestone awards himself 25 championship points.
Spain
An excited Pedro de la Rosa announces that the HRTs have installed a new package that will make the cars more competitive in time for his home race. A new, slimmer design does indeed improve the performance of the troubled team, but a lap into their qualifying campaign, the cars fall to bits on the track. “We thought taking the nuts and bolts out would be an aerodynamic advantage”, explains Luis Pérez-Sala.
In order to save on tyres, nine out of the ten drivers through to Q3 don’t set a final lap time. Only Vettel does, with commentators calling it a ‘spectacular moment’. Before the race, rumours begin to stir that the Pirelli tyres will only last five laps a set. This turns out to be accurate, leading to an exciting race of innumerable pit-stops. Despite this, Sergio Perez somehow runs his Sauber to the end of the race on just two sets of tyres.
Vettel has a collision with Button in the 33rd lap, which results in Button spinning into the gravel and retiring from the race. “That bloody kid”, shouts Button who is sporting a streamlined goatee. Stewards are misinformed about the incident and, in a bout of confusion, penalise Lewis Hamilton.
Vettel battles past the fearless Perez to win another race. “I am amazing”, he cries before making Angry Birds noises.
Monaco
Monaco is, without doubt, the most glamorous venue for an F1 race. Because of this, the organisers agree to ban Eddie Jordan from the Grand Prix, citing “millions of pounds worth of damages to our image” as the reason.
Come the day of qualifying it appears that Daniel Ricciardo hasn’t slept following the F1 party on Friday evening, as he sits quietly in his car gently sipping Fosters. As there is a clause in the F1 Regulations that allows Australians to drink alcohol before and during races, Ricciardo is not stopped from going out onto the track. He sets an enormously quick time and places himself 7th on the grid.
Sebastian Vettel secures pole position again, with Martin Brundle literally falling out of his seat in astonishment. The race begins and Michael Schumacher is overtaken by the two Caterhams and a Marussia in the first four laps. “I’ve still got it”, he later affirms. Meanwhile, Felipe Massa is driving a terrific race in 2nd and keeping Vettel under much pressure. However, on the last lap Ferrari inform him that he must move over in order to aid 4th placed Fernando Alonso. He attempts to do so in Rascasse, and the difficult turn means he is hit in the back by Alonso. Massa is consequently fined his entire years wages for the incident. Vettel wins the race, and every broadcaster at the GP is thrown into the Red Bull swimming pool, including a furious David Coulthard who batters Christian Horner in anger. Adrian Newey later admits he perhaps should have spared Sir Frank Williams from such treatment.
Canada
Excitement builds when it is surprisingly revealed that Robert Kubica will be returning to F1 in this race with the Toro Rosso team. However, during Friday practice, Kubica taps the pit wall at 25mph whilst exiting the pitlane. He breaks thirty bones in his hands and arms, and is out for another year. “I’m confident I will return”, his computerized voicebox says. Meanwhile, there are further problems at Williams as the entire developmental team announces that it is retiring. Williams reveal that they will continue without replacing them.
On Saturday, the qualifying session goes ahead without Kimi Raikkonen who has gone missing again. He is later found crying in a rally car, yelling “I want to go back, I want to go back”. He misses the rest of the weekend. Fernando Alonso finally breaks Sebastian Vettel’s dominance of qualifying, as the stewards conveniently ignore him cutting the final chicane completely.
Vettel has a poor start to the race and Lewis Hamilton overtakes him into the first corner. Mark Webber then tries to come up the inside of his team-mate, but Vettel veers over to knock him off the track and out of the race. A furious Webber waits in his car until the pack comes around again, and in a fit of rage, hurls his boots at Sebastian Vettel. Instead, he accidentally hits Fernando Alonso, knocking him unconscious and handing the lead over to Lewis Hamilton. After the mess is cleared up by the safety car, Hamilton is penalised by the stewards for “straying a bit too close to the safety car”, and Vettel goes on to win the race. Webber later denies a rift between him and Vettel, stating “It’s just the sort of thing that happens when you’re on the track”.
Valencia
Absolutely nothing happens. Vettel wins.
Britain
On the Friday of the race weekend, Bernie Ecclestone reveals plans to boost the yearly F1 campaign up to 40 races. “Teams will cope”, he confidently states. He also announces in an interview with Martin Brundle that during the 2013 season, only race wins will be taken into consideration for the Championship standings. “But if you did that this season” Brundle responds, “Vettel would pretty much already be champion”. Ecclestone curtly retorts “Yes, but I would be second”.
The British crowd boo as Vettel once again storms to pole. The F1 world is beginning to get weary of his dominance, with Michael Schumacher commenting “There’s nothing worse in F1 than a German winning every race” before looking puzzled. Come race day, a surprise publicity stunt takes place ahead of the Olympics. Usain Bolt is given permission to take part in the race on foot. He is naturally left well behind most of the field at the beginning of the race, but he fights a real battle with the HRTs. This ends in disaster however, when Narain Karthikeyan accidentally runs into Usain Bolt whilst the Jamaican is overtaking him. Bolt 's injuries keep him out of the Olympics.
Further ahead, Paul Di Resta is knocked off the track by Kamui Kobayashi. This leads David Coulthard into an explosion of four-lettered rage, meaning Eddie Jordan and Jake Humphrey have to storm the commentary box and wrestle him away. He is suspended from broadcasting indefinitely.
Jenson Button, who started at the back of the field due to an engine failure in qualifying, wrestles his way to 2nd, just behind Sebastian Vettel. He tries desperately to overtake the German, and he finally does just three laps before the end. The crowd goes wild. However, another engine blowout leaves him a few yards short of the finish line. “Get out and push Jenson”, shouts James Allen on 5Live. He does, and ends up with severe second-degree burns that leave him out of racing for a few weeks. Vettel wins.
Germany
Before the race weekend, Mercedes declare that Michael Schumacher has signed a new six-year contract with the team that will keep him racing into his 50s. They also reveal that they will be replacing Nico Rosberg (who has finished 6th in every race so far) with Ralf Schumacher. Ross Brawn denies that Michael Schumacher is a major influence on his every decision, before painting the car completely red by hand.
Vettel once again hoards pole position and, expecting cheers from his adoring German fans, instead gets a healthy dose of nonchalance. Lewis Hamilton is banned from taking part in the race after the FIA adjudge that he ‘is not getting into the spirit of the race with that attitude’. Hamilton earlier commented that he preferred the British Grand Prix.
Vettel leads away to the sound of moans. Alonso and Massa have an extraordinary battle that lasts for around 25 laps. They continuously change position in a fight to win 2nd place. Radio transmission suggests that Massa has begun ignoring team orders, and TV audiences are shocked when he responds “Get off, I’m not your dog”. During his mandatory pit-stop, the Ferrari mechanics “Forget” how to put tyres on, and this drops him down in 20th. Vettel is unchallenged as he wins his 9th race of the season. “Fruit Ninja!” he simply cries.
Part 2 never happened, unfortunately...
This is brilliant! As an avid fan of F1, I fully appreciate that this is all very hilarious...and probably true!
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