Remember that old adage "Don't knock it 'til you've
tried it"? I believe it to be a complete falsehood. Many clues beyond the
'trying' of something can help to ascertain an early opinion of something, and
I believe that with such preparation, you can naturally eliminate things in
life without having to actually find out you don't like them.
Such is this, that I rarely watch films I actually don't
like. I tend to know enough about a
film that I can hazard a good guess as to whether or not I'll like it before
watching. There are a few exceptions (I hated Into The Wild, expecting to love
it. I enjoyed 2012, expecting to hate it), but generally I get it right.
However, sometimes forcing yourself to try something you have a preconceived
dislike of is a good exercise.
With iCheckMovies informing me that my 500th movie
viewing-experience is fast approaching, I've decided to celebrate by stepping
outside of my comfort zone. I have very little idea of what a Keith Lemon is
besides a few trailers and clips of him that annoy me. This is a classic case
of preconceived dislike, but tonight I will forego that and embrace the
possibility that I may find an appreciation for Leigh Francis' character. After
all, I liked Bo' Selecta when I was growing up... how bad can this be?
Thankfully, the theatrical release Keith Lemon: The Movie
means I don't have to wade through the reams of television shows that have been
produced. One 90 minute flick will be all I need to form an opinion that is
based on first-hand experience, rather than hearsay and trailers. Now I must
emphasise that as I write this part of the article, I genuinely haven't watched
the film and have no idea what to expect. I'm keeping my mind as open as
possible with this one, so goodness knows where we'll go from here. I'm keeping
a video diary of it though, just so I have something to document should I black
out or get lost in a drunken stupor.
So here we go then. With Netflix suggesting that my rating
for this film will be 1 star exactly, I'm finding it difficult to maintain an
optimism in watching this film, but I will not be put down so easily. Two
glasses of red wine should ease the pain, anyway...
The Next Day
So I awake the next morning to find that I have written 1500
words in notes, and filmed 48 minutes worth of video, entirely devoted to my
hatred for this film. That is never a good sign. Further down the list of
notes, and as the video clips go on, it becomes apparent that I became drunker
and more angry as the film went on. My memory is hazy, but in referring to my
notes I believe a summary of the film's weaknesses is possible.
The first notes that strike a chord in my brain are the following:
Is "Seagulled all over your bangers"
supposed to be funny? For a person who doesn't know anything about Keith Lemon,
this is just confusing.
What about "bang tidy". Is that a joke? You
see, spouting catchphrases doesn't work if you're trying to sell to an audience
bigger than your ITV2 following...
This was right at the beginning of the film, and while the
catchphrases became less prevalent it raises an immediate point about the
idiocy and short-sightedness of the writing in this film. Releasing a film
means a lot of people who aren't a part of your captive audience will see your
shtick. That includes influential people, such as critics and reviewers. If you
make a film that relies on catchphrases that are never explained for humour,
then you are already alienating those people who don't know what a Keith Lemon
is. Y'know, people like me...
As the film goes on, a fatal error in its attempts at comedy
becomes apparent. This film throws everything at the viewer just to get a
laugh, whether it be a catchphrase, a terrible euphemism, a celebrity cameo, a
funny face, a bum, a fart, a mention of testicles, witless wordplay, Verne
Troyer... everything. It's a classic case of the writers having no confidence
in any of their punches landing, so they throw a million in there and hope
beyond hope that enough of them work. With no conviction behind the style of
comedy this film wants to attempt, it becomes a mish-mash of gags that slowly
infuriate the audience into hating it.
Just to demonstrate, here are the notes of different jokes I
made in the first ten minutes. I kid you not...
Already shagging noises.... Funny?
OK, so first scene in. We have a sort of dream sex scene.
Then a Bo Selecta cameo. I mean, so far it's not terrible, but there haven't
been any jokes yet.
WAIT - was the things he was saying during the sex scene
supposed to be a joke?
He then wakes up and farts. Well, first joke out of the way.
That was a belter.
He's eating a mashed potato sandwich. I.... I don't know what
this is.
HE'S LATE!!! GEDDIT?!?!?!
Well, I'm sure that bum we get to see was artistically
justified....
"Maybe even Torquay"... well, it's an attempt at a
joke...
"Rosie, the only thing that's going to be expanding is
my big fat penis in your mouth" That would get you arrested.
These quick jokes are the most horrendous things I've ever
heard.
Spice Girl cameo, don't know which one.
Another Spice Girl. Don't know which one.
Oh, the first one was Emma BunTON apparently.
Euphemism jokes with a Spice Girl. Funny.
Oh God, another Bo Selecta cameo, but without any funny in
it.
Why is Gary Barlow in this now? Are the cameos the only way
they could think of filling time?
"Please keep off the grass". He's on the grass.
They're trying everything.
JEDWARD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!!
As you can see, this is just a complete mess and really does
show the scattergun approach that the film had, and ultimately failed with.
Another thing you'll note is the number of cameos. Again,
this was something that was mainly confined to the first 10 minutes, and then
towards the end, but it still demonstrates just how tacky this film is. Jedward
making an appearance in anything is the shit seal of approval, but give the
film credit for finding other ways of displaying it's shit-tistic creativity.
Who would have expected Chris Moyles to make an appearance in this, for
example?
I'm not sure whether the cameos are there to get a laugh, or
whether the audience is supposed to be impressed that the celebrity graced us
with screen-time. Most of them will have one very half-arsed joke associated
with their appearance in the film, but it's not given enough time to develop
into anything at all. For example, Jedward are just there to do a dance. I'm
not even kidding, that's literally all they do.
So 15 minutes in, we finally get to the plot. Keith Lemon
has invented something along with his girlfriend and Keith Bishop, but it's not
selling. Then this mad Indian bloke comes up to him during a convention and
sets race relations back 100 years. He also gives Keith Lemon a phone without
buttons (because in this universe the touchscreen phone hasn't been invented
yet, so we're in 2006 even though a lot of the celebrities weren't... oh never
mind) and tells Keith to sell it.
Keith's all miserable and goes to a strip club with Paddy
McGuiness, which reminds me of another note that I want to bring up...
They wouldn't show tits. THEY WOULDN'T SHOW TITS? IT'S
A FILM, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO! DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE ABOVE IT YOU TWATS
Yep, they censored out the tits. For a film that has carved
up the bottom of the barrel and is now digging far beneath it, that is a
bizarre standard to have. Later on there is a scene where Keith Lemon cums
everywhere, and this is OK to show in its full glory (minus the penis itself).
But a tit? Woah, that's.... sexist? I don't even know what their thinking is
here.
For some reason he orders 1000000 poles for his old invention
(I must have switched off because I really don't know why) from a guy called
Evil Steve (yes, that is the name of the villain. Evil Steve. I'm starting to
remember why most of my videos comprised of me shouting "fuck" down the
camera over and over again). This gets his girlfriend and Kevin Bishop into
trouble with the aforementioned Steve, who kidnaps the woman but can't be
bothered with Bishop for some reason.
Keith Lemon heads back home but is mugged. This was perhaps
the most cringeworthy scene in cinema history, as Lemon made vein attempts at
comedy with funny 'street talk' and 'karate'. He also mentioned that Billy
Ocean is his Dad, which is later confirmed to be true because that's also
funny. I mean, he's black? That's just mental. The teenagers do the decent
thing and mug the hell out of him, and Keith passes out.
We're treated to a view of Keith's subconscious mind, and Keith
gurns towards the audience while asking "So what am I thinking?"...
"What am I thinking". I dunno, tits?
It was arses. Close.
This is when it dawned on me that
Keith Lemon has one joke - he's lewd. That's basically it, and there is no character
beyond that. Lewdness itself can be funny when you believe that the character
is real. It can make you feel uncomfortable, or force a wry smile in disbelief
at what this character thinks he can get away with. However, Keith Lemon is in
no way a believable character, so what we get instead is the most predictable
and boring jokes feasible.
Keith wakes up to find his trousers are missing. Now, if
you're are mugging someone and you knock them out, you'd imagine emptying their
pockets would suffice in getting all the stuff you wanted, but the writers
desperately needed a reason to show Keith's arse again so I suppose we'll just
have to suspend our disbelief here. His phone leads him to Verne Troyer for
whatever reason who fixes him up with an interview on a David Hasselhoff show.
While on the show, Keith puts a lemon on the back of the phone and that makes
everyone go wild for it.
Now, ignoring how utterly contrived this plot point is, I
have to bring up one of the most infuriating scenes in the film. Kelly Brook
walks by Keith and Keith says to her "Ohh, I had a dream about you last
night". Kelly asks what it was about and Keith says "You were saying
faster, then slower, then I started licking you downstairs", and proceeds
to mime licking Kelly Brook's fanny. Now, why the hell am I supposed to like a
character that does this? There's naively stepping over the mark, and then
there's being a fucking pig, and Keith's the latter. Oh yeah, I should be
laughing at how inappropriate that is, but really I just fucking hate life at
this point.
And it gets worse. After the Hasslehoff interview Brook
gives Keith her number, and tells him to call her any time. This sent me insane,
and the alcohol had clearly started to take effect at this point as my note for
this moment was:
"Call me any time" says Kelly Brook. THAT'S
HOW YOU WIN A WOMANAWE:KFGW:KERntgwerpighweaporuhgoerf;qgg
So now that he's instantly successful he's forgotten about
all his friends. Smell a lesson, anyone? We get the generic "Now I'm
Rich!" montage, and I leave the summary of this scene to my notes, now
growing gradually sloppier with each swig of lager and each rage-inducing
moment.
Dr. Fallus: Senior Cock Enlargist. He shows off a big
picture of penises.
Now he has a big cock. LOLLOLLOLOOLOLGLRWEgKWREoigw54;giohn
Fucking Brook in public. LWER)IQer;oigjher[h
She sucks asparagus seductively. He pokes mashed potato
seductively. I hang myself promptly.
Vernon Kay cameo! Makes a Bangers and Gash joke!;34j
Oh, here's Evil Steve. Who would've seen that
coming!?!?!?!?!L1234jhobthq
Talking about full penatrative sex with Kell Brook
Just to keep some form of plot ticking over, we see Evil
Steve in his lair with Keith's girlfriend tied up. They make another joke about
how he and his little henchman have had gay experiences with each other. Think
of that! Gay! In this day and age! But don't let any form of story get in the
way of a hilarious scene between Lemon and Brook where they pull seductive
faces at each other. The film really reaches Beavis and Butthead territory when
Keith sees Brook in a bikini and the 'boyoyoyoyoyoyoing' sound effect is
played. I take that back, even Beavis and Butthead would hate this.
So Keith Lemon holds a rich-guy party (Which is covered by
the news, for some reason) and he's there being all rich. Verne Troyer is now
the voice of reason, telling Keith he should be worried about his girlfriend,
but Keith's having none of it. Why does Verne Troyer care? Well, I don't care
if I spoil it for you when I reveal that Verne's actually Keith's guardian
angel who wants to show him the life he wants so he appreciates the life he
already had, which makes this film kind of like It's A Wonderful Life... except
horrible.
It turns out the phone Keith Lemon invented causes droopy
mouth, and when Kelly Brook becomes afflicted with the condition, Keith Lemon
instantly finds her unattractive. Classy guy. Everyone turns against him, and
suddenly he decides he needs his friends again. That's the sort of character I
like, the one who uses people when he
needs them. He really has learned his lesson.
He is flown to Evil Steve's hideout by Verne Troyer and luckily lands on Steve which crushes him, taking away any tension that may have been built up by them having
any kind of final conflict. His girlfriend forgives him for cumming all over
Kelly Brook and basically not caring about her until she's his best option
again, the film ends after a total of two mild bloopers in the credits, and
everyone asks for a refund.
In what world was this film supposed to be funny? The jokes
are terrible, the story is lazy and extraordinarily contrived, and it's clear
that nobody in this film could really act. Kelly Brook is terrible, Keith
Bishop (though he really, really tries) is terrible, and Keith Lemon is a
one-note character anyway, so he's terrible. This is a film that just didn't
need to be made. There was no attempt to translate Keith Lemon to the big
screen at all, and it felt to me like the writers thought they would ride the
wave of the Inbetweeners Movie success and just have an automatic hit.
I'm glad this film was hated, because Paddy McGuiness had
the temerity to mention the possibility of a sequel during the film. If that
happens, I may have to shoot myself.
Notes in full
Oh my God what am I doing to myself? (Before the movie has
started)
I mean, 85 minutes can't be that bad.... (Still hasn't
started).
Already shagging noises.... Funny?
OK, so first scene in. We have a sort of dream sex scene.
Then a Bo Selecta cameo. I mean, so far it's not terrible, but there haven't
been any jokes yet.
WAIT - was the things he was saying during the sex scene
supposed to be a joke?
He then wakes up and farts. Well, first joke out of the way.
That was a belter.
Is "Seagulled all over your bangers" supposed to
be funny? For a person who doesn't know anything about Keith Lemon, this is
just confusing.
He's eating a mashed potato sandwich. I.... I don't know what
this is.
HE'S LATE!!! GEDDIT?!?!?!
Well, I'm sure that bum we get to see was artistically
justified....
What about "bang tidy". Is that a joke? You see,
spouting catchphrases doesn't work if you're trying to sell to an audience
bigger than your ITV2 following...
"Maybe even Torquay"... well, it's an attempt at a
joke...
OK, that might be the worst joke ever.
"Rosie, the only thing that's going to be expanding is
my big fat penis in your mouth" That would get you arrested.
These quick jokes are the most horrendous things I've ever
heard.
Spice Girl cameo, don't know which one.
Another Spice Girl. Don't know which one.
Oh, the first one was Emma BunTON apparently.
Euphemism jokes with a Spice Girl. Funny.
Oh God, another Bo Selecta cameo, but without any funny in
it.
Why is Gary Barlow in this now? Are the cameos the only way
they could think of filling time?
"Please keep off the grass". He's on the grass.
They're trying everything.
JEDWARD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!!
They can't act either.
"Twazzocks". Another catchphrase.
Oh my God. Oh no. Oh no please no.
So his invention is basically a dildo. That's genuinely the
punchline you're going for.
"Allow me to demonstrate this erection". 12-year
olds would be above this.
Ohhhh, OK. I guess it's not a dildo. It really looked like
one. I guess it was a visual gag. My bad.
Mad asian bloke likes the invention.
Uhmmm, this is definitely racist, I just can't work out what
race they're insulting...
He's invented a phone with no buttons? Has he not heard of
an iPhone?
OK, so they're trying to advance the plot butthis is
horrible. Are they trying funny anymore? I don't know...
"The show is over". Wow, just 2 minutes after his
demonstration. He.... timed that badly.
Lily Allen song? Anyway, the song goes "What you being
a dickhead for". I guess they figured the swearing would be funny or
something, as this does not fit the scene at all.
TLC: Tender Lemon Cuddles. Funny.
"Will you nosh me off?"
Ohhhhh, the joke is there's no-one there. Uhmmmm.....
This is stupid.
A couple sees him. They make surprised faces as Keith Lemon
exaggerates his positions.
I mean, this wouldn't be any better if there was actually
someone there, so the joke doesn't work.
Evil Steve is genuinely the name of the villain?
Something to do with foreskin. I don't know.
Paddy McGuiness. What?
They wouldn't show tits. THEY WOULDN'T SHOW TITS? IT'S
A FILM, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO! DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE ABOVE IT YOU TWATS
London people don't understand accents. Nope. Naaaht true
baby.
His head is in tits. LOL.
Ohhhhh, Paddy McGuinnes's Mum is there, how funny.
Kevin Bishop is really trying. It doesn't work.
Oh my God. Another genital joke. How does this keep
happening.
"Give us your fucking money". Is this The Room
He's trying to do street talk. That's a fresh joke.
Celeb name drop. Don't geddit.
Ohhhh, it's true that his Dad is Billy Ocean. They are
trying everything. Seriously. It's all falling flat.
Pretending to do karate. Funny too.
Shops. Funny again.
"What am I thinking". I dunno, tits?
Arses. Close.
A phone cannot do the functions this is doing.
More of his arse. Thanks.
Wait, why did they take his trousers? I mean, he had passed
out, they just needed to empty his pockets.
Oh God, how many short jokes will there be about Verne
Troyer.
I'm counting his shocked facial expression as one.
"I've always dreamed of being the next Richard
Branston... y'know, Branston Pickles." Trying EVERYTHING.
OH MY GOD MORE SHIT ABOUT HIS ARSE. CHRIST THE FUCK.
"I'm not the bad man here... it's Evil Steve".
Christ.
"Shooting pain in my arsehole". WILL THEY STOP
DOING ARSE JOKES.
Ooh, real tits.
"Titmatised". That is fucking ridiculous.
"I'm in Dire straits. Not the band, the predicament."
UGH
Why is Verne Troyer in this movie?
"Cock enlargement for meself"? They CHWWYAFe
rgERjiwaeprkigj#w
Second short joke. He's in a trolley.
Oh, here's David Hasselhoff. Sure.
A joke about 'boning' Pamela Anderson.
I'll give this movie credit, they are trying jokes. They are
just all abominations.
Keith pulls funny faces as he looks at an attractive woman.
FUNYN.1
Oh it's Kelly Brook. Sure.
He tells her he was licking her fanny in a dream. Classy
guy.
They call him Keith Melon on the Hoff Show. Ummmm.
Oh, he invented touchscreen phones. Wait... when is this
then?
'Cos David Hasslehoff wasn't inBritain when... oh never
mind.
They go mental 'cos there's a lemon on the phone. What?
Indian woman says cunt. Funny.
"You're my favourite client". This is The Room.
"Call me any time" says Kelly Brook. THAT'S HOW
YOU WIN A WOMANAWE:KFGW:KERntgwerpighweaporuhgoerf;qgg
Oh, he's forgotten
about where he comes from. I smell a lesson.
I'm counting the shushing of Troyer as the third little
joke.
Dr. Fallus: Senior Cock Enlargist. He shows off a big
picture of penises.
Now he has a big cock. LOLLOLLOLOOLOLGLRWEgKWREoigw54;giohn
Fucking Brook in public. LWER)IQer;oigjher[h
She sucks asparagus seductively. He pokes mashed potato
seductively. I hang myself promptly.
Vernon Kay cameo! Makes a Bangers and Gash joke!;34j
Oh, here's Evil Steve. Who would've seen that
coming!?!?!?!?!L1234jhobthq
Talking about full penatrative sex with Kell Brook.
"He's not Giner, he's strawberry blonde". I yused
that joke when i was F@UcKI(GNG 12
They're gay. (Evil stee and the cunt) Funny.
Oh, they like normal telly. But they're evil. WHAY A
CONTRAST!!!?!?
Little toga. LEGITIMATE SHORT JOKE COS ITS A NAPKJIN!!!
How would the bank know how much money he has if he has it
in cash. This is Junior School logic.
Kelly Brook can't ac.t.
Boyoyoyoyoyoing. Hehehehehehehehehehe.
"Constipate this releationship"
{ETYOHk'/lihglwiuegtopweirhg0oepogijqa
He's still just making faces. AAAAAGHFWERFPGOJERGFO
AND SOUND EFFECTS. JESUSSSSS CHRISSSSYT!!!@;ker';potihjqepr
*Gasp* Minge. I think that summarises this movie.
*Gaps* Oooooooooooooooooooooooh And then he cums.
Explains Rambo really quickly to Brook. I' ve lost the
motivation to do these notes.
Terrible stallone impression.
News segment for a rich guy party. No.
Why does Verne Troyer care about Keith Lemon's old
relationship.
Gino D'Acampo cameo. Why not.
Ohhhh, it's the bear from Bo' Selecta. Yep...
The Indian woman sure does swear a lot. Because that is so
funny.
Ohhh, they actually got Billy Ocean in there.... He must
have been so proud of this cameo.
Another Bo' Selecta cameo. Who would know of this?
Keith Lemon, despite being a schovanistic dimwitted one-note
cuntfaced PIG is able to play the saxonphone. W"ILLR QEWrogeTHGSI IFILM
FIUCKDWMEFO OFF
It's Holly Willoughby. LOOLWN WAUHT CELEBRITHTY!!!!!
Is that Fearnew Cotton? I neither know nor care.
"I'm gonna powder my boobs". LOL!!!!
Ronan Keating. LOL!!!!!
OK, asian racism.
KEEF REMON OHHHHH!
The Indian guy sings Hey Fatty Boom Boom to his wife. L:OL!
Ooooooh, he's changed!
OHhhh, he said Spa... but it turns out he can talk foreign.
LERg@:WORK;uow43qh0-0n[o
lkwejwewefwe
"I would let you finger my arsehole Kelly Brook"
:KGThqulierghq# OH GOOOOD WHUY WONT THIS ENDD!!?!?!??!?!
PETER ANDRE CAMEO
OH GOD CHRIS MOYLES!!!!
Now they're singing.
That's not Kelly Brook's voice. At all. It's Cilla Black's.
Auntie Fanny. LOL
"put a bag over your head it'll be alright". WHAYT
A HERO!!!!
Oh, one of them was JAson Donovan. Sure.
Holly Willoughbooby. LOL!!!
I'll see you in the sequel. FUCK NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
This is so so so so so so so so so so so so sois sos so sos
so sos os os s terrioble.
Verne Tyorer sitting in the O. Short kjoke number 6 or 5
Ohhh, he's had a revelation.
I know the real Keith Lemon. Kind, thoughtful lovely man.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH!?>!?!?!
"I've gota save Rosie" "YOU ARE A GOOD
GUY" WELL THANSK FOR TELLING THE AUDIENCE TNHAT!!!!/2lwrowe4jintr3p-
Strawberry blonde joke again.
SOund effect jokes.
He falls off the building, but survives. What?
Verne Troyer saved him 'cos he's an angel. That's so fucking
stupid I don't know what to do.
I think ive got a brown onion in me pants. What?
Keith Bishop is now Rambo. What?
The United States of Leeds. What?
More tiny cock jokes.
Emotional scene to end the film. Not earned.
"Will you marry me".
Schofield cameo.
They HAD KIDS. And they're called FUNNY CELEBRITY NAMEWS!
OH GOD THEY HAVE BLOOPERS NO NO NO NO!
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