Monday Comment - Are Mourinho's Media Tactics Wearing Thin?

Mourinho's post-match interview guarantees headlines.

It's not unusual to see teams completely out of place in the league standings after just five games, but that fails to soften the shocking start that Chelsea have had, leaving them teetering on the dotted line of relegation. Three defeats out of five games,  star players turning completely anonymous, and antics from Mourinho that are increasingly becoming a pure circus-act, have brought the pre-season favourites to their knees.

One wonders just how much of an impact the Eva Carneiro fiasco had on the Chelsea players and staff. While Mourinho refuses to back down on his comments following the 2-2 draw with Swansea, it has inarguably caused more of a distraction than a deflection. This sort of attempt to detract attention from the poor performances of players is nothing new, but the cruel impact it has had on someone's professional life may have turned figures within the club against Mourinho's brash media tactics, as whispers are suggesting.

Mourinho's treatment of the club doctor was a step too far for many.

Besides, Mourinho's famed wheel of excuses is now falling extremely short of blocking the attention of the punditry from his slack squad. Eden Hazard, Cesc Fabregas and Branislav Ivanovic have all come in for their rightful share of heavy criticism after littering Chelsea's opening games with poor performances. It's almost as if the usual method of trying to deflect media scrutiny from his team is making analysts more determined to pick out the growing problems with Chelsea's football, ignoring the redundant excuses that inevitably tumble down the pipeline after the final whistle (very little has been made of Mourinho's ludicrous claim that part of the team's defeat to Everton was down to the computers breaking the day before).

We're left with an interesting situation at Chelsea now. Mourinho must band together a team short on form and morale, a task that has seldom cropped up for 'The Special One' in his years of relentless success. Despite the problems, it seems unlikely that he will face pressure against his job unless this patch of form continues into the winter, but Mourinho is driven towards league titles and will be desperate to get the club's title campaign back on track.

Martial's lore

Martial's goal was very Thierry Henry, but he won't want to end up going all Bebe.

Another great Old Trafford tale may have begun on Saturday, when Anthony Martial shifted the ball past a trio of dumbstruck Liverpool defenders before slotting home in front of an ecstatic Stretford End. Martial's move to Manchester United comes with an enormous amount of pressure - arguably more than any teenager footballer has had to deal with before. However, if his goal against United's fiercest rivals is anything to go by, the rising French star will hardly break a sweat.

United haven't always had much luck bringing in young strikers. Names such as Federico Macheda, Bebe and David Bellion represent unmet promises in the team's past. Anthony Martial still has a long way to go before he can permanently escape that list, but time is on the 19 year-old's side. Martial will continue to develop over the next few years, and such a high transfer price means that he should find himself given plenty of opportunities, lest the board are made to look like money-tossing fools.

The battle for fifth - Leicester versus Palace?

Riyad Mahrez has been one of the early stars of the season.

Two teams that have truly been impressive in the first five fixtures are Leicester City and Crystal Palace. Leicester finished last season on a high, yet remarkably Claudio Ranieri has worked out how to shift the team into an even higher gear. Fast attacking play has made the Foxes the joint-highest scorers in the league alongside Manchester City with 11 goals, and with a seemingly insatiable strikeforce, it seems that Leicester will continue to thrill and entertain throughout the season.

Where Leicester have arguably benefitted from a winnable run of fixtures, Palace have endured the opposite, taking on Arsenal, Chelsea and Man City in the first five games. Despite this, Alan Pardew's side have looked impressive in every match they have played, and sit in fifth with 9 points. Even in their defeats to Arsenal and Man City, they have performed extremely well and were unlucky not to snatch a result. Palace were touted as potential dark horses pre-season, but it seems more as if they are a legitimately excellent side that ought to expect a top-half finish at the very least.

Yohan Cabaye may be the buy of the summer.

Can either of these teams push for Europe? It feels as if there could be a surprise this season, and currently these two sides look the most likely to pull it off (Swansea would also be a contender here, despite their defeat to Watford). Considering the run of fixtures both sides have had, I would argue that Palace are more likely to finish in the top 6 than Leicester. It certainly wouldn't be beyond Alan Pardew - let's not forget how close he came to driving Newcastle into a Champions League spot in 2012.

Ighalo goal gets Golden Boys going

Ighalo's second goal of the season sealed Watford's first win.

You may or may not remember how I argued for Watford's survival a few weeks back. I'm not saying I was definitely right all along, but I feel that Watford's victory is a good reminder of their ability to succeed for those who had mentally put the nails in the coffin.

Admittedly, the stats didn't look good - no goals in 3 games, no wins, etc. But Watford have played well in all of their fixtures, and have scored points against strong teams. It did seem as if people had already written off the promotion side who hadn't yet thrilled, but I think there's more to come from Watford, and the Vicarage Road fire is only really simmering.

Nevertheless, it was crucial they scored a confidence-boosting victory against Swansea, as a winless start can have a damaging, numbing effect on a season.

Luising His Head

It's not just a controversy. It's a storm. A whirlwind of terror and rage building up with the two instigators in the middle, infrequently bashing against each other in a spinning cataclysm that sends shockwaves throughout an entranced world. Yesterday a volcano erupted dead in the centre, with a botched handshake, a tunnel spat and an over-zealous celebration just a handful of the outrageous incidents.

It's a real mess of blame and shifted responsibility. It needs somebody reasonable to stretch out the situation like a wet towel, and point out exactly where each of the stains are and who's fault they were. What? Oh, did you just mutter "You should do it then". Well, that's extremely kind of you. I didn't expect that. Well alright then, I'll give it a shot if you really think I can.

Actually, I don't need to. Alan Green did a perfect job of diffusing the situation of 606 earlier, by consistently pressing forward the notion that Suarez had no obligation to shake Evra's hand whilst feigning condemnation of the very same act. He also started claiming that Suarez couldn't be a racist, because he shook the hands of a few other black people, which is akin to saying that Nick Griffin isn't racist because he ate curry once. People rightly came in to criticise Green, and as he began to backtrack on his comments, everyone became so confused about what his point was that I think they actually broke him. At the end he started saying "Oh, it's been a long day at work". It was utterly bizarre radio.

But either way, I don't think the incident is that hard to judge when you look at it. Let's put aside, for one moment, the original incident of racial abuse and whether or not Suarez's alleged comments did actually happen. Ignore that point for one second. Suarez really should have looked at how this whole incident has affected his reputation and the way he is perceived. Regardless of the incessant details of the incident a few months ago, Suarez must have been aware that a failure to shake Evra's hand was going to look tremendously petulant. It was really idiotic. Of course, Suarez has the right not to shake Evra's hand, but if he doesn't then not only is he an idiot, but he opens himself to any racially-charged perceptions people may see in his refusal. Just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean you want be correctly condemned if you do it.

Now this whole incident has led to people questioning the validity of the handshake at the beginning of the football match. I still think it's an important facet of a football game. It's good to have a showing of respect towards your opponent before the game, and it encourages gentlemanly conduct. People may renege on the handshake in severe cases but this is not something that incites a feud, it merely confirms it. Some have suggested that a handshake should take place at the end of the game, but I can't see that becoming a formal part of routine, and I believe this would be even more of a problem on occasions where things got heated on the pitch.

So Suarez not shaking Evra's hand was stupid. Really stupid. And all those people posting images and videos trying to prove Evra was actually the one who rejected the handshake are truly laughable. It's like a mini-faction of conspiracy theorists have infiltrated football, showing highly deceptive images and pointing out minute details whilst ignoring the bigger picture. I'm surprised they're not calling it an inside job, to be honest. Let's be fair though, Evra does seem to be a little hesitant about the handshake, but can you blame him? Suarez supposedly racially abused Evra, it's not as if Patrice is going to give him the firmest of handshakes. Either way, he was not the one who didn't offer his hand.

After a slow half of football came a little bit more anger from Suarez. Clearly riled up about something (I'm not exactly sure what considering it was him who decided not to participate in the handshake - seriously, what was he expecting?) he reacted very badly to a perfectly fair Rio Ferdinand tackle, and violently kicked the ball away in fury as the half-time whistle was blown. Little is known of what followed, but police and stewards were forced to break up a brewing rage in the tunnel. I'm going to go on a whim and say that Suarez and Evra were maybe involved in that, but the post-match comments don't seem to allude to what really happened there, so it's difficult to say. For all we know, it could have been Carroll and Berbatov having a lazy fight where they just exasperatedly pushed each other a bit before going off for a nap...

Thankfully, a football match pushed it's way out of the mud and took a deep breath of the cold wintry air, allowing itself to manifest as a 2-1 victory to Manchester United. It was a worthy result that meant a lot to the United team, but Evra's post-match antics were undoubtedly uncalled for. Though I wouldn't say the incident was of the severity of Suarez's (and almost certainly was instigated by the Uruguayan anyway), clearly Evra's only achievement was to antagonise the situation even further, which was rather reckless of him.

So that was the on-field action and it's tempting to say that had the managers both condemned their players' acts of foolishness and said little more on the incident, a significant amount less would have been made out of the nasty debacle. I use the word 'tempting' because that's almost certainly not true, but it's a nice thought anyway. Instead, Kenny Dalglish and Alex Ferguson both made controversial statements, although it's no doubt who's interview came across worse. King Kenny's interview seemed to be going smoothly enough, but when questioned about the handshake incident, Dalglish denied that he was aware that it happened (which I struggle to believe) and consequently got furious at Geoff Shreeves for blaming Suarez for anything, mumbling something about the fans and then ending the interview.

Alex Ferguson's comments were a little inflammatory as well. He suggested that Liverpool should sell Suarez in what was otherwise a fairly reasonable interview. It was a rash comment maybe, but nothing more than that. I know it seems like I'm condemning Liverpool a lot harder at the moment, but the truth is when you compare these things objectively, there's really little argument to be had. Whilst Ferguson was calm and addressed all the incidents, Dalglish became incandescent as soon as Suarez was in any way condemned. There's little way to justify it in any other light.

However, today's apologies have been more than welcomed. Suarez has issued a statement admitting he 'got things wrong', and Dalglish accepted that he had not 'conducted himself in a way befitting of a Liverpool manager. These apologies, whether they are sincere or not, should be embraced by all fans, especially Liverpool supporters. Yesterday's incidents were an unfortunate mix of anger and bitterness that just happened to rear their ugly heads. They were mistakes, and it's good to see that both Suarez and Dalglish are willing to put their hands up to them. United also released a statement that looked to put a chunky bucket of water over the fire, meaning both clubs are happy to move away from the trouble.

So should Ferguson and Evra apologise? I don't think Ferguson should. Perhaps it would be good form If Evra admitted his celebrations were over-zealous, but I'm not sure it's necessary now. Either way, we have to move on from this tremendous farce. Not only does it not paint a good image of English football, but when other black players see the ridiculous furore that has happened thanks to racial abuse being reported, it will only serve to discourage them from alerting people to when they are racially abused themselves. If this sort of thing is allowed to drag so far in the future, complaining about racial abuse will just be seen as a hassle, followed by a long, unhappy grudge.

Furthermore, the faction of Liverpool supporters that are still showing ardent defence for Suarez need to start considering that their heroes may not just be honorable victims. Whilst the merits of an independent report can be disputed (if you're into that sort of thing), what happened yesterday was plain to see. I'm amazed that some people seem capable of upholding this victimisation view though - really, it's akin to spinning a helicopter in a beach hut, but the best step would be to understand that this was an unpleasant incident that doesn't need to be stretched on any further, and move on.

I haven't helped by talking about it again though.

Football Round-Up: Some Great Foot-Bal-To-Tell-Yi About

It was Super Soccer Special Sky Sports Smashing Spectacular Stunning Sunday yesterday, so naturally the most significant action of the weekend took place on the Sabbath. However, there were stories galore and this here little page is all set to round them up like cattle. Even though I just made a point about how much more occurred than the two Sunday games, I’m going to be a hypocritical monster and start with yesterday’s action.

Manchester City 3-2 Tottenham Hotspur

So nearly was this City’s first slip on home turf this season. However, the league leaders were able to stabilise themselves just in the final nick of time, as they overcame a resurgent Tottenham side to retain their 100% record at the Etihad Stadium. Just as Redknapp’s Spurs began to look like a reasonable bet for the title, they encountered the toughest fixture in their calendar. Pulling a determined face, they braved the worst of the storm as they went 2-0 down, and without so much as glancing at the ground, pulled themselves back into the game. Despite losing the match a stroke before the final whistle, Tottenham will continue to be encouraged about their own ability from this match.

The first half was a simmering affair that suggested a game could be on the cards somewhere along the line. After neither team really threatened, the game sprung into life like a squirrel being awoken by an angry fox. On the 56^th minute, David Silva being the silky awesomeness he is, sliced the defence apart with a wonderful threaded pass to Samir Nasri, who took on the shot first time with an extremely clinical finish. City celebrated, but didn’t let their minds wander as a few minutes later, a corner was whipped in and Joleon Lescott used all of his body to bundle the ball into the back of the net. Tottenham had been destroyed by a three minute double-salvo.

As much as this can deflate teams, Tottenham are a strong balloon. Hang on, that metaphor still suggests weakness. Actually, they’re more like a football. A leather one. Stronger. Well, anyway, you know what I mean. What I’m trying to say is that Jermain Defoe pulled one back when Savic made an error and allowed the titchy striker a one-on-one opportunity with Hart, which the experienced Defoe would not refuse.

Before City could wipe their eyes with shock, Gareth Bale had levelled things to 2-2 with a sumptuous curled finish from range. Having enjoyed that brilliant goal, Tottenham begun to sense a victory on the horizon. Both sides were having chances up until the last few minutes, when Spurs came within inches of an incredible victory. Gareth Bale pounced on another Savic mistake and powered forward into the box. He pulled the ball back for Defoe who, stretching all 3 foot 7 of him, could only deflect the ball wide of the post.

Naturally, when there’s a story at Manchester City, Mario Balotelli isn’t far away. This time he was involved in a nasty and practically indefensible incident before winning and scoring the decisive penalty. Having tangled up with midfield rock Scott Parker, Balotelli appeared to direct a stamp towards Parker’s head. It had a regrettable deal of intent about it, and Balotelli will be lucky to escape a severe punishment for the incident.

However, right after Tottenham missed their massive opportunity, Ledley King brought Balotelli down in the Spurs penalty area and the referee was given no choice. The Italian dispatched the penalty without blinking, and City continued to march on.

Arsenal 1-2 Manchester United

“Anything you can do, we can do... similarly” was the (probably reluctant) cry of the United fans yesterday as they cruised to victory in a numbingly sedate game at the Emirates. This match will have drawn yawns from around the country as Arsenal showed they had extremely little to offer against an efficient United.

A turgid first half was only livened up in the final minute when Ryan Giggs’ curly cross was met by the enormous leap of Spanish Football Club Antonio Valencia. This will have given Arsene Wenger an excuse to release all of his pent up rage upon the team talk, and indeed Arsenal did look fired up in the second half.

They began to create chances but were suffering from ‘Diop-finishing’ syndrome, blasting the ball all over the place and nowhere near the goal. However, the quality of Robin van Persie shone through for the bazillionth time this season, as he found the degree-specific angle to slide the ball past Lindegaard in the 71^st minute.

Despite Wenger’s success in riling the team up, the Frenchman (who still looks like a man going through a perpetual bout of flu) decided to ruin everything by making a couple of laughable substitutions. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who had looked impressive, was brought off and replaced by the calamitous Andrey Arshavin, who did nothing. Still, Arsenal had the momentum so it would be fine, right? It wasn’t enough. Ten minutes later, United mesmerised the Arsenal defence with a beautiful game of penalty-box pinball. A great move allowed Danny Welbeck to thud home the winner.

United had to win this game following City’s victory over Tottenham. They’ve shown a great deal of strength in emerging victorious at The Emirates. Both sides continue to impress, and if one thing is certain, then it is that the winner of this season’s Premier League will have deserved it immensely.

Bolton Wanderers 3-1 Liverpool

Kenny Dalglish looks to be losing his Kingly magic. We have seen a great deal of shortcomings in the Liverpool team, and only one conclusion can be drawn – they have spent their money atrociously. With their struggles to get a result at home and now this crushing defeat against a lowly Bolton side, one has to wonder whether or not it’s time for his majesty to abdicate.

You have to give Bolton credit for securing the victory, but let’s make no mistake – Liverpool were poor. Mark Davies seemed to have a nasty infectious disease on his boots as the Liverpool defence kindly ran away from him as he bore down on goal. It was a simple finish to give Bolton the lead.

Nigel Reo-Coker showed what inimitable a truly wonderful class he has with a well taken second goal, before becoming furious over Craig Bellamy’s existence. The stumpy Welshman was the man to give Liverpool hope when he wrapped onto Carroll’s pass and struck home to make it 2-1 before half-time. Bolton were not to let it slip though, as Gretar Steinsson thumped home a volley to seal an excellent victory for The Trotters.

Bolton required hope. It was an entity they seemed totally devoid of up until now, but this victory could finally spark the revival everybody has been expecting.

Everton 1-1 Blackburn Rovers

Everton have spent this whole season on the periphery of everyone’s attention. I don’t think anyone’s even aware of their existence once Match of the Day is over, such is their ability to find that mid-table obscurity. Blackburn, however, are big characters in the relegation fight and will be delighted to continue grinding out results that could prove crucial in their struggle.

Blackburn were more than worth their point as they battered the Everton woodwork and generally appeared to be more spirited during the game. Despite this, The Toffees carved out a lucky lead when Fellaini got his arms all over the ball before Tim Cahill scored from close-range. It was his first goal for over a year, and his first non-headed goal since ever.

Blackburn persevered, embodying this newfound iron-grit that has infused the whole squad. After David Dunn smacked the post again (with the ball, I should add), Morten Gamst Pedersen attempted one of his irritatingly-good free-kicks. Howard parried it and as Cahill attempted to clear the ball away from goal, the ball hit David Goodwillie and bounced into the back of the net. David Goodwillie has three goals for Blackburn now, and I don’t think he’s done anything towards them except stand in the right place.

The game ended as a draw, which Blackburn will be both happier with, and slightly aggrieved by.

Fulham 5-2 Newcastle United

Right. I haven’t seen the highlights of this one, so I’m going to summarise without the usual match report-type bit. Fulham had been dipping their toes in the relegation mess a little bit up until this victory. However, the squad looks decent and Martin Jol has a proven track record when it comes to Premier League management. It never looked like Fulham had the ingredients for relegation, but this comprehensive victory over high-flying Newcastle will have done a lot to make that fact feel more secure.

The Cottagers owe a lot to Clint Dempsey. The yank has been tremendous in his five years at the club and it always feels like he is still improving. A hat-trick in this game pays tribute to his goalscoring prowess, but as we know Dempsey has so much more to his game than that. One wonders if Clint Dempsey is one of the most underrated players in the league.

Newcastle are under the scrutiny of having to cope without the brilliant Demba Ba, and it looks like they’re struggling. However, it clearly wasn’t for goals, as they scored two away from home (which most sides would be happy with). I’m guessing there were defensive issues for United, and that won’t bode well for this second half of the season if they are still harbouring European ambitions.

Norwich City 0-0 Chelsea

There’s little to say about this game. Norwich were predictably pegged back by Chelsea, but Fernando Torres’ extraordinary misfortune in front of goal saved the day once more. The troubled feminine Spaniard forced some spectacular saves from John Ruddy as well as missing other excellent opportunities.

It’s really quite amazing how Torres just cannot score at the moment. It’s got to the point where, by definition, he has to possess a quantum anti-luck in order for this barren run to make any sense in a universe without the paranormal. Still, at least his efforts were better than Malouda’s big opportunity, which I believe is still rising and should pass the Moon on Wednesday.

Norwich take another impressive point, Chelsea disappointingly drop another couple. Form does not change in this one.

QPR 3-1 Wigan Athletic

Tufty-haired Mark Hughes enjoyed his first victory with QPR as they secured a vital three points against their relegation rivals. Surprisingly, this was only Rangers’ second win at Loftus Road this year, and that sort of form is exactly what Hughes will be looking to change. They say ‘start as you mean to go on’, so signs are good.

A pretty blatant handball gave QPR an early advantage when they received a penalty for a moment of blind stupidity. Helguson just managed to squeeze it past Ali Al-Habsi, but the Omani goalkeeper was to get his own back later. He could do nothing about Akos Buzsaky’s spectacular free-kick ten minutes later though, which was directed beautifully into the top corner of the Wigan Athletic goal.

Hugo Rodallega looked at Buzsaky’s goal and thought to himself “That looks good, I might have a go at that”. Sure enough, Rodallega took his free-kick just as well as Buzsaky had, and another spectacular goal allowed Wigan a sniff of recovery. It looked like that would be negated when Heidar Helguson won another penalty after being brought down by Sammon. However, that redemption for Al-Habsi I alluded to earlier was completed here when he clawed away the Ice-man’s penalty terrifically.

For a man with a pretty bland name, Tommy Smith showed he was capable of the odd extravagance. From 25-yards out, the former Portsmouth and Watford striker crashed in a drive that stunned Wigan and put the game to bed. QPR hauled themselves out of the relegation zone, but Wigan are beginning to get cut off at the bottom. Though they always seem to find a way out of the dirge, it looks like Wigan will require a truly great escape this time around.

Stoke City 1-2 West Bromwich Albion

I don’t like Thomas Sorensen. I don’t have anything against him personally, but in my view he’s blocking the extremely talented Portsmouth-graduate Asmir Begovic from making himself into the greatest goalkeeper ever in the world. However, it’s only fair to say that the Dane was a tad unlucky when he allowed Morrison’s whistling shot to slip past him during Saturday’s game between Stoke and West Brom. The effort curled very late on and Sorensen happened to commit himself just a little too early. It was an unfortunate way for The Potters to go behind.

Stoke nearly got their own slice of luck when they were awarded a very soft penalty following Gareth McAuley’s challenge. However, Jon Walters’ effort was collected by Ben Foster, and the opportunity went to waste. Not to be deterred, Stoke did eventually get their equaliser very late on after Pennant’s free-kick (also a soft decision) found the head of Cameron Jerome, who poked it home. It looked like they had rescued a point.

Did I have you there? Did you think for a second that Stoke had drawn? No? Well, how did you kn... oh, I put it as the headline on this section. Oh, and you watch Match of the Day. Well, that’s one way of getting a football round-up, but... not the best way. Anyway, Dorrans’ angled free-kick broke Stoke hearts when it nestled into the bottom corner after missing everyone. Another important win for a relegation-threatened team. A surprise for Stoke.

Sunderland 2-0 Swansea

Two excellent goals allowed Sunderland’s fantastic run under Martin O’Neill to stretch further. Despite being the best passers in the league and having Britain’s answers to Xavi and Iniesta, Swansea offered little in the way of attack which may have disappointed frustrated bespectacled statisticians.

Stephane Sessegnon, who is without doubt my favourite player in the world at the moment, pulled off a brilliant one-two with James McLean before managing an absolutely sublime finish to put Sunderland ahead 15 minutes in. It was a fantastic goal, but would later be bettered. In the meantime though, Swansea had a good deal of possession without showing enough initiative up front to make the vital difference in the scoreline.

Then came the better goal, just five minutes before the end of the game. Stephane Sessegnon knocked the ball to Craig Gardner who took one touch before firing in a beautiful dipping half-volley that gave Michel Vorm no hope. The midfield maestro looked to his adoring fans with a casual smile as they applauded another tremendous goal, and another impressive victory.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 Aston Villa

Crumbs! I haven’t seen this one either. I know, it’s a shoddy football round-up when there’s a couple of games that I didn’t even get round to watching the highlights of (not to mention the many football league games I always ignore), but I didn’t want to wait any longer on this and I wanted to make sure I keep posting these. Anyway, I’ll stop going on about myself and start talking about the football that I didn’t see.

Robbie Keane has re-integrated himself into the Premier League with a couple of goals. Despite his MLS status, the least you can expect from someone like Robbie Keane is an eye for goal when he is offered the opportunity, and Alex McLeish seems to have devised a plan to keep a number of very reliable strikers at the club. Darren Bent, of course, comes with goals written into his contract. He scored a penalty to put his Premier League tally up to 99 (You may remember me saying he had 99 last week but... I didn’t).

Aston Villa move up to 11^th and appear to be heading towards a similar mid-table obscurity to that of Everton. Meanwhile, Wolves just can’t grind results out when it matters. If points were awarded for playing good football and looking generally impressive, Wolves would never be anywhere near the drop zone. However, they have a troublesome tendency to drop points too easily. It needs to change.

Goal of the Weekend: Craig Gardner’s volley that dipped like a rollercoaster and was just as much of a thrill.

Team of the Weekend: I’d be tempted to say Fulham despite having not seen them. Instead I’ll plum for QPR

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: I’m going to venture into the scary world of the football league and give a mention to the hilarious incident in which Bury players Coke and Schumacher nearly came to blows over who should take a penalty.

Football Round-Up: Scholes Galore

You should know the situation by now. We have what seems to be a three-horse title race between wily-old warheads Manchester United, pesky flash rich-boys Manchester City and the unlikely chancers Tottenham Hotspur. Beneath that we have various struggles for Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool whilst certain other teams continue to punch above their weight; teams like Norwich and Newcastle. At the other end of things, there’s a relegation battle occurring between crisis-club Blackburn, the terribly flat Bolton Wanderers, Wigan, Wolves, QPR, amongst others. Basically, lots of football stuff is happening.

That’s everything up to speed. Now let’s look the action from this weekend.

Manchester United 3-0 Bolton Wanderers

This might well be the least interesting or surprising scoreline in football history, but besides the predictability of United’s comfortable win lays an unusual aspect; that is, United were faced with the possibility of three defeats on the trot. The importance of this victory will not be lost on Scottish profanity-expert Ferguson, who hasn’t quite declared ‘Squeaky Bum Time’ yet, but is almost certainly seeing it in the periphery of his vision.

The result was seldom in doubt. United were all over Bolton’s defence, camping out in their penalty area like protesters in Parliament Square. Lanky striker Danny Welbeck forced a number of saves from ginger Hungarian rarity Adam Bogdan, and Rooney had a header stopped on the line. Welbeck was then clumsily pushed over in the area and a penalty was awarded. However Bogdan, still cowering in terror over his nightmare of Tim Howard repeatedly taking goal-kicks and laughing, made a brilliant stop from Wayne Rooney’s effort.

It was in vain though, as rickety pensioner Paul Scholes was able to sweep Rooney’s pass beyond the goalkeeper to make it 1-0 to United just before half-time. After the break, Bolton responded by moving the ball forward nicely. Unfortunately, Owen Coyle lost a bar-room bet the night before and was forced to play David N’Gog as a result, and the Frenchman used this opportunity to spurn out one of the worst shots ever seen on a football field.

Rooney’s strength enabled him to push through a pass for Welbeck, who used all his leg to stretch and flick it past Bogdan for 2-0. It was all over at that point, but to seal the victory and add a welcome coat of gloss to the scoreline, Michael Carrick fired in from 25-yards despite having as much eye for goal as a blind man with a phobia of netting.

United were suffering severe turbulence up until this victory. Whether or not it will steady the ship in the long-term will be seen over the coming weeks. As for Bolton, well... things are getting grim.

Wigan Athletic 0-1 Manchester City

I must confess that I haven’t actually seen any of this game, which makes it rather difficult to talk about given that this round-up usually requires some form of detail. I’ll try though.

Apparently Edin Dzeko scored, and they said it was a header.

Then the Wigan ‘keeper Ali Al-Habsi had to make some saves. Also Wigan had a couple of chances.

So hopefully you got a good idea of the game through that. These scrappier victories can form the basis of a title win, and I think that despite any struggles City might have had tonight, they will be mightily encouraged that they still won the game. It’s a bit clichéd, but real champions can play badly and win. I’m not sure if City did play badly, but I think we all know that on their best day, they could knock Wigan into another dimension.

Tottenham 1-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers

The build-up to this game was oddly intense for Tottenham. It seemed like the papers had only that morning realised Spurs were sitting in third place, and consequently made a concerted effort to tout their title prospects as hard as humanly possible. Despite the age etched onto his abnormal jowls, this was a new experience for Harry Redknapp and the team’s reaction to the sudden onslaught of pressure was always going to be telling.

While the headline for this result was always going to be about a stuttering Tottenham, it shouldn’t detract from a very impressive Wolves performance. They took the lead in the first-half after Roger Johnson forced a save from Brad Friedel that fell to the grateful feet of Steven Fletcher, who jauntily poked home to give the away side the lead.

Togolese phone-addict Emmanuel Adebayor, who seems to be mandatorily limited to a single chance per game, then had a goal disallowed for offside. It appeared that Kevin Foley was maybe playing him onside, but that’s extraneous detail considering that if the cameras weren’t sure then we can’t have a say more reliable than the linesman’s. This did not dishevel Wolves though, who carried on attacking as their new signing Emmanuel Frimpong, who’s surname sounds like a doorbell, forced another strong save from the hands of Brad Friedel.

Tottenham’s quality did shine through in the end, as Luka Modric thumped a strike that slipped past Wayne Hennessey and gave Spurs an important equaliser. They then pressed on for the win, but it was to no avail. A-point-a-piece was a fair summation of the way the match had played out. This was definitely not Tottenham at their best, and it may have illustrated their lack of readiness for the strains upon solidity a title race yields. Though you’d be brave to write the North London club out of the running at this point, there are indications that they might not be quite up to it.

As for Wolves, it seems like we get this all the time. A spirited display, Mick McCarthy moans a bit and they’re still gelled to the outskirts of the relegation battle. With performances like this they shouldn’t go down, but victories are the essence of survival in this league.

Blackburn Rovers 3-1 Fulham

There is a remarkable resurgence going on at Blackburn. Karl Pilkington lookalike Steve Kean appears to have absorbed strength from the taunts and jibes that lined his way to work over the past few weeks, and is now unleashing his rage in the form of unlikely results. The team, once devoid of enthusiasm and lacklustre in every stride, is now screaming confidence and showing willingness to battle.

At first, it looked like it might all go wrong for Rovers. Bobby Zamora’s looping header smacked into the post, and then Yakubu, a man stuck in a perpetual jog, was sent-off for a poor challenge on Danny Murphy. There’s been a lot said about tackling, and I will come back to this on another day, but whilst Yakubu’s challenge wasn’t a typical moment of ‘Serious Foul Play’, it was a knee-shattering tackle and deserved a sending-off.

All it was going to take was a Fulham goal and all the Blackburn fans would return to their second-most common state of existence (after breathing): misery. Swiss defender Phillippe Senderos thought he may have done the trick when he powered a header towards goal, but he was denied by a tremendous save from Paul Robinson. Martin Jol, who these days looks like a withered cartoon ogre, looked on in frustration.

Against the run of play, Blackburn managed to shock the Londoners just before half-time. Morten Gamst Pedersen directed his free-kick right into the bottom corner of David Stockdale’s goal, an effort which the ‘keeper perhaps should have saved. This invigorated Blackburn who soon doubled their lead after the break, with Goodwillie’s blocked shot falling to Dunn who spiked home a second.

Fulham threatened to spoil the party when former Blackburnian winger Damien Duff cut in a goal from a tight angle, giving the Blackburn fans chills down their collective spine. They had nothing to fear though, as Steven N’Zonzi expertly found Mauro Formica, who coolly finished making the lead an unassailable 3-1.

It’s a depressing result for Fulham, given the nature of Blackburn’s current plight and the fact that they were down to ten men. Still, you have to give Rovers credit, they’ve conjured up a victory out of a situation that looked hopeless, and as long as they keep doing this, the more chance they have of surviving. Steve Kean is leading one of the most astonishing comebacks from any manager in football, and it’s become one of the season’s stories to watch.

Swansea City 3-2 Arsenal

The script was written for Thierry Henry. I’m sure that’s what we all would’ve been saying if he’d had any impact whatsoever, but instead the Frenchman decided he wasn’t up for the role of saviour as Arsenal crashed at the Liberty Stadium.

Even Robin van Persie’s obligatory act of dragging Arsenal out of the mud wasn’t enough on Sunday. The Dutchman began the match with his usual class, tagging onto the end of Arshavin’s ball and slamming home from a difficult angle to put Arsenal into an early lead. Despite this, Arsenal’s defence was looking stretched and wayward. It was like watching four men panic with a rolling bomb. Swansea regained possession and Nathan Dyer was fouled in the resulting attack, garnering the Welsh side a penalty. Scott Sinclair duly converted it.

Both sides had further chances in the first-half. Ramsey took the ball past the ‘keeper and nearly squeezed his shot into the goal, but it clanged off the post. Up the other end, Nathan Dyer was causing problems and testing Sczcesney. Luckily for Swansea, Arsenal displayed some more useless defending in the second-half, relinquishing possession and allowing Allen to find Dyer who smashed in a nice goal with a hint of curliness on it.

All this gave the chance for Theo Walcott to rectify some recent hesitant moments. There’s been a few occasions where the pacy winger has been one-on-one with the goalkeeper and fluffed the opportunity, but not this time. An expert finish from the accidental World-Cup star made it 2-2 for Arsenal. Crisis averted? Stage set for an Henry winner? Not a chance.

Within seconds Swansea were up the other end. A stupefied Wojiech Szczesney gasped in surprise. “Huh?” he expressed. Danny Graham, showing little remorse, brushed home a winner before the Gunners were even aware of it. A late opportunity for Mertesacker was skewed horribly wide, and Swansea had captured a glorious, famous win.

The Swans have been playing tremendous football lately and definitely warranted that prestigious victory. It’s great to see that an attacking side coming straight up from the Championship can look genuinely capable of coping with their full-on style throughout the season (as opposed to the likes of Hull and Blackpool, who always seemed to be on the edge of chaos). Meanwhile, Arsenal’s recent run of excellent results seems to have ended and Wenger will be looking to redouble the efforts of reaching that all-important top-four finish.

Chelsea 1-0 Sunderland

Sunderland can be a bit of a bogey team for Chelsea, so this game always had the potential of being a difficult contest for The Blues. Sunderland certainly won’t feel that they were a disappointment, as they began with Stephane “The Power” Sessegnon bullying his way forward and trying his best to initiate forward movement. The omnipotent Beninese midfielder couldn’t force the issue enough though, as Chelsea went up the other end and Fernando Torres tried a spectacular overhead kick that crashed off the bar. A dumbstruck Frank Lampard provided an unintentional follow-up, and Chelsea were suddenly 1-0 up.

Both sides had chances. Danish loaf Nicklas Bendtner squashed an effort wide of the post and James McLean fluffed an excellent opportunity to equalise. Meanwhile Fernando Torres was doing his usual trick of flumping shots all over the place, hitting everything except the back of the net as he desperately looked for a way to end his 14-hour barren spell.

Ramires also pushed forward through midfield, and had a solid effort on goal from distance producing a good save from Mignolet. He apologised to Torres for not choosing to pass, before sharing knowing glances with the rest of his teammates. Gardner and Bendtner both missed more chances before the referee blew the final whistle. Chelsea took a tight but necessary victory as Sunderland left the Bridge without having been disgraced.

West Bromwich Albion 1-2 Norwich City

It was all going so well. Comfortable, consistent... just how it’d been planned. But some surprises can’t be accounted for. Sometimes things just go wrong. When the autocue broke down, Lineker faced the camera with a piercing stare of terror, reaching out to the viewers in search of a solace that would never come. He was suddenly alone on his words, and a vulnerability was spoken down the lens. I’m not ashamed to say I got a bit teary-eyed when I saw it.

Anyway, Norwich continued to be the most impressive of the promoted teams with another well-earned away victory. After both sides had chances, Hoolahan crossed into the box to find Andrew Surman, who clumped in a volley. It made a beautiful sound, and the loveliness of that was reflected in the scoreline; 1-0.

It wasn’t all plain-sailing for the Canaries, as slightly-disappointing-given-his-namesake defender Daniel Ayala committed a rash foul to give West Brom a penalty. Shane Long confidently dispatched it, and gave the Baggies a fatal confidence. Charging forward for the victory, Mulumbu had his shot stolen off him at the vital moment, and an incisive breakaway from Norwich culminated in Grant Holt lofting in a cross for Morison to slam a header home. Norwich picked up their 7^th win of the season, re-emphasising their ambition for mid-table obscurity. For West Brom, the struggle gets heavier...

Newcastle 1-0 QPR

With Demba Ba on the form of his life, it was going to be a strain on Newcastle to replace him as the selfish Senegalese striker decided he wanted to play in the Africa Cup of Nations. How dare he?

The way QPR began the game was extremely feisty. They fought tooth, nail, hair and any other disposable part of the body for the ball and were not afraid of giving the goalkeeper a few frights. Buszaky stung the fingertips of Tim Krul whilst dinky winger Shaun Wright-Phillips’s effort skimmed a lick of paint off the bar.

Newcastle pushed on, and Leon Best (who is largely being touted as Demba Ba’s replacement) showed a touch of quality as he danced around a defender and slotted the ball into the back of the net with supreme style.

Jay Bothroyd became QPR’s scattergun as he decided he was just going to keep shooting until the statistics looked ridiculous. It didn’t work, but QPR were still pressing up-front. It actually made Paddy Kenny so bored, he decided to inject a bit of excitement into his game by rushing out to prevent a corner, rounding an oncoming midfielder and then putting it out for a throw-in. He then enjoyed the adrenaline-rush of the sprint back to goal as Spider-Geordie Jonas Gutierrez tried to curl the ball in past the stranded ‘keeper. The defence were there to clear up for the Irish Lemsip-addict.

Newcastle held firm and took the victory. The Hughes-effect hasn’t quite settled for Rangers, but there were promising signs in there. Namely, their renewed passion.

Aston Villa 1-1 Everton

A bog-standard mid-table clash if ever there was one. Neither side were itchingly desperate for the victory in this game, so a draw was probably the necessary result on this occasion. Most of the early action involved Shay Given, as he had to make a terrific save from Saha’s header, followed by another save from Stephen Warnock’s stupidity. His run of stops made him so confident, that he decided he wasn’t even going to use hands when he later saved Fellaini’s effort.

Darren Bent then scored his 99^th Premier League goal after Marc Albrighton stuck a super cross into the box and, after a bit of back-and-forth between him and Stephen Ireland, Bent slipped in the finish for 1-0.

Despite this, seasonal Yank Landon Donovan was able to help level things up when his clever ball found on-form and also seasonal striker Victor Anichebe who summoned up all his composure for a sweet finish. It was two even teams in an even game with an even result. Nothing odd about that.

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City

Oh wow, finding something to say about this one. I mean, it was easier with the City game and I haven’t even seen that one. Liverpool do seem to be drawing a crazy amount of home matches, and I don’t think the claim that teams come to Anfield and defend for their lives can be used to excuse all of these ties. Liverpool have to be strong enough to score goals at home, and if they can’t do it then one wonders if King Kenny still has the magic anymore.

Liverpool did have chances, albeit sparse ones. Kuyt and Skrtel both missed headers and Stewart Downing put an effort over the bar. Other than that though, Liverpool had little and should have offered so much more going forward.

It’s the sort of result Stoke are good at getting, though, and they will be happy with another point towards survival for their fourth consecutive season.

And that wraps everything up. Come back next week for another one. Also I’m a bit tired and not well today, so that probably wasn’t my best one. So, like, if you hated this give it another go. And if you liked it, thanks and that.

Goal of the Weekend:  Leon Best’s twirly jive and sumptuous finish.

Performance of the Weekend: Blackburn, for defying their subdued manpower and emerging victorious.

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: Paddy Kenny, for deciding he’d had enough of sitting about and rushing out of goal unexpectedly.

Football Round-Up: Henry makes for good Kompany

F.A. Cup Round-Up

Ooh, the FA Cup, eh? It evokes such blissful nostalgia. You’d stick a tuppence through the turnstile, buy your Bovril and pie and make your way to the terraces. There was old Bobby Rutherford and Peter Castle playing up-front, the pitch would be as muddy as hell and the tackles would be flying in from Norman “Cruncher” Harris. At the end of the game you’d go home and play Subbuteo whilst reading Roy of the Rovers and watching Match of the Day on an old black and white telly. That’s what the FA Cup was all about.

I know where you think this is going, but I’m electing to skip the awkward and dull ‘Has the cup lost its magic’ debate in favour of celebrating a pretty exciting weekend of knockout action. We had a few upsets, a couple of barnstorming games and some juicy controversy. This round-up begins, rather predictably, in Manchester.

Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United

Despite the ample number of goals, the scoreline in this game doesn’t fairly reflect the drama and intrigue the latest Manchester Derby provided us. In what was no doubt one of the defining games of the season for these two clubs, City will likely feel somewhat aggrieved to have been on the bitter, losing end of this very open, exciting tie.

It started off looking comfortable for City, who seldom surrendered possession in the first ten minutes of the game. Though their chances were meek, they seemed to have the element of control in the early part of the match, refusing to give the ball back like an angry child who'd just been told he wasn't allowed to play with the other kids. However, that changed almost in an instant as United finally got their foot on the ball, instigated a single counter attack and scored. Rooney blasted into the box with a powerful header that second-choice man mountain goalkeeper Costel Pantilimon could do nothing about.

It was a setback for Manchester City, but by no means a disaster – no, that would have to wait two minutes before Vincent Kompany was sent-off for a two-footed but very placid tackle on Nani. The decision has been hotly argued over and thousands have died in the ensuing clashes. Whilst you can see why the referee has chosen to issue a red card, you have to ask whether common sense should have prevailed in this case. After all, sending off the home captain during a big derby match just 12 minutes into the game should be the very last resort for a referee, and leeway ought to be given accordingly.

This did nothing to help City, who seemed to quieten down whilst United grew into the game with more and more confidence. On the half-hour mark, Danny Welbeck did extremely well to perform a full-body joint reshuffle and hook in a half-volley, making it 2-0. Just before the break, Aleksandar Kolarov brought down Welbeck in the box and Rooney reacted first when Pantilimon saved his initial penalty, heading home for an ominous 3-0 lead at half-time. 

City were never likely to collapse far enough to give United the satisfaction of six goals, but their comeback was a big surprise and a positive sign of their resilience. Having presumably been shouted at by an Italian for 15 minutes, the home side came onto the field with a renewed belief, and early on in the second half Kolarov completed a personal redemption by expertly whipping a free-kick past Anders Lindegaard. City were suddenly looking like the more rampant team, despite their shortage in manpower.

That morning, it had been announced that squinty ginger pass-machine Paul Scholes was to haul his rear end out of his armchair and back into the unforgiving world of top-flight football. He re-introduced himself to the foray during the second half to thunderous applause, but his dream return was rather scuppered when he gave the ball away to James Milner. Milner found Aguero in the box, and after bashing Lindegaard with the ball for a bit the Argentine stuck it in the back of the net to make it 3-2.

City threw pressure onto the faces of United, but it was in vain. Despite a late penalty appeal when Phil Jones, who'd had an off-beat day, handled the ball, City just could not get that equaliser. It will have been encouraging for City fans to have seen such a spirited display, but that doesn’t soften the blow of losing to their despised rivals much. Both teams had lost out on their major European ambitions, but for City now it really is just a case of whether they win the league or not that will classify this season as either a triumph or a disaster (I know they’re in the Carling Cup as well, but I don’t think that’s what players with the reputations of Aguero and Silva came here to win).

Jumping Jillikers! That was a long one. Let’s do some other, smaller ones now.

Swindon Town 2-1 Wigan Athletic

League Two Swindon probably achieved the biggest upset of the round by beating an unglamorous but fairly strengthy Wigan outfit on Saturday. Following a decent early start by The Robins, they were unlucky to concede a penalty when Callum McManaman (who wins the award for having the name that is most fun to type) was taken down in the box. Ben Watson struck the post, but McManaman was on hand to force the goal. I quite like it when an away team does that actually, because you get that lovely collective groan following the excited cheer.

Swindon might have lost their bottle, but for the exploits of Portsmouth-born midfielder Matt Ritchie. His flair and class changed the game in the underdogs’ favour, with his thumping cross finding the head of Alan Connell, who glanced home to equalise just before half-time. Later on, Ritchie’s distance drive was expertly bounced off the legs of Paul Benson, wrong-footing Ali Al-Habsi and sending the ball in the back of the net.

For Wigan, another struggle in the murky pits of the Premier League may take aid from this early cup exit, but that will take nothing away from the Swindon celebrations. After the game, tattooed Italian madman and Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio was delighted with his first major day in the limelight as a coach, and dedicated the victory to his father.

Macclesfield Town 2-2 Bolton Wanderers

Macclesfield came close to sidling their way into the spotlight when they gave Bolton a fright and forced a replay from Owen Coyle’s off-form side. Having gone behind after Klasnic bundled the ball home early on, Adam Bogdan, who's face was still a deep shade of red following Tim Howard's lovely strike over him, was kept on his guard by a rampant display from the home team. It didn’t take long for the Hungarian to be beaten though, as a speedy and effective breakaway was completed by Colin Daniel.

In the second half, Arnaud Mendy scored an absolutely brilliant goal to put Macclesfield ahead. He took two touches, one to flick the ball up in the air and one to crash in a volley, and found the top corner of the net with tantalising conviction. However, this moment of magic did not bring the victory that it deserved, with David Wheater using the natural bulkiness of his 6 foot 5 framework to charge a header into the back of the net for Bolton. Macclesfield held on through a spell of pressure towards the end and earned themselves a replay. They enjoyed a cup day to remember, but it’s unlikely The Silkmen will be progressing any further.

MK Dons 1-1 QPR

Neil Warnock suffered hardest from the ‘magic of the cup’ when QPR were almost left red-faced by an MK Dons side that were much more determined than the opposing Premier League outfit. Flying high in League One, the Dons carried plenty of confidence into the tie and had some excellent chances to take the lead. A tight offside decision and a penalty shout aside, the Dons created a few good chances before Dean Bowditch battled the ball off Heidar Helguson and slotted home to give the home side a deserved lead.

It would have been a well-earned surprise victory had it not been for the late mix-up between the goalkeeper and defence that allowed Helguson to steal in and poach a goal that was every bit as cheeky as Bowditch’s opener. Regardless of the last-minute equaliser, Neil Warnock (affectionately known as Colin) found himself out of the job on Sunday evening, with his likely replacement being Mark Hughes (but more on that next time). Dons manager Karl Robinson has promised to “have a go” in the replay, and given their excellent performance you wouldn’t bet against them completing the upset.

Crawley Town 1-0 Bristol City

Crawley’s rise to prominence continued with a hard-fought victory over Championship relegation-line tip-toers Bristol City. The first-half would have reflected Crawley’s dominance in the scoreline had it not been for a seemingly jagged inside post, which somehow prevented efforts from Thompson and Tubbs sliding into the goal.

In the second half rotundly-named Matt Tubbs, who has scored a number of important goals for Crawley including 40 in their promotion year, was put through on goal by a scything pass from Sergio Torres. He had the experience to put it past veteran ‘keeper David James, and that was all Crawley needed to confirm their place in the fourth round.

Newcastle United 2-1 Blackburn Rovers

Could it finally be their year? Newcastle are probably in the best position to win a major trophy since Alan Shearer retired, with many key players on the form of their lives and the team as a unit functioning well. In the face of an early setback when David Goodwillie scored another two-yard scrambler, Newcastle eventually showed that they had the class to dispatch Steve Kean’s jaded and downbeat men. 

Hatem Ben Arfa briefly turned into Lionel Messi when he outfoxed the Blackburn defence multiple times in a row before lofting the ball past Mark Bunn in goal. Alan Pardew called it the best goal he’d ever seen, and in fairness to him it was a superb individual effort. It was just a shame that ITV felt the clip was only worth rushing through once and with no deliberation (more on that further down).

In the fifth minute of stoppage time, Jonas Gutierrez knocked away a dramatic winner to give Newcastle a place in the fourth round, as well as allowing himself an opportunity to cosplay as a slap-dash Spiderman.

Arsenal 1-0 Leeds United

From the moment Thierry Henry signed the loan deal to take him back to Arsenal for two months, this game was only ever going to be about one beardy Frenchman. The Emirates Stadium lapped up his presence with the enthusiasm of a child at Christmas. This was Arsenal’s very own ‘Return of the King’, and boy did he take to his throne with style.

Leeds spent the first-half being irritatingly handy in defence, with Arsenal only allowed a handful of decent chances on goal. With Robin van Persie taking an oddly-timed break in Dubai, the Arsenal attack lacked the vigour, creativity and clinical finishing the Dutchman has carried with him all season. It only made sense that Henry was going to make an appearance, and it only made sense that he would end up scoring the decisive goal.

Indeed, in the second-half King Thierry graced the audience to a might reception. He doffed his crown before focussing on channelling the natural passion he had for the club into an effective performance. Within ten minutes, Alex Song cut through the Leeds defence with a clever pass and Henry took two touches to stroke the ball home past Lonergan. The Frenchman went crazy, celebrating like he’d just given birth to Jesus.

It was a fitting way for Henry to begin his second spell at Arsenal, and it now remains to be seen as to whether or not Thierry can still hack it against Premier League opposition.

The rest

Because there was a lot going on this weekend, I’m going to do a one sentence summary of the remaining fixtures.

Barnsley 2-4 Swansea City: Danny Graham scored a beautiful drive as Nathan Dyer pulled the strings in the Swansea midfield to lead the Swans to a victory in an entertaining fixture (that was only let down by the fact it made some Welsh people happy).

Birmingham City 0-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers: Absolutely nothing happened and everyone hated it.

Brighton & HA 1-1 Wrexham: Unpronounceably named midfielder Adrian Cieslewicz performed a dainty dribble and deflected a goal in to give non-league Wrexham a valuable replay.

Bristol Rovers 1-3 Aston Villa: Pensioner Scott McGleish scored a nice flick but missed a penalty as Aston Villa showed too much class for Bristol Rovers to contain.

Chelsea 4-0 Portsmouth: A rather flattering result for Chelsea who thumped Pompey in a repeat of the 2010 FA Cup Final (except with lots more goals).

Coventry City 1-2 Southampton: Lowly Coventry took an early lead, but Danny Fox was the big provider with two assists for Southampton in an all-Championship affair which ended with top beating bottom.

Dagenham & Redbridge 0-0 Millwall: League Two Dagenham frustrated Millwall and earned a replay in another uneventful affair that I wish I wasn't talking about because I couldn't fit anything interesting into that sentence.

Derby County 1-0 Crystal Palace: Palace players ran around with Wembley in the corner of their eyes as Derby won against the distracted side.

Doncaster Rovers 0-2 Notts County:  Jeff Hughes enjoys a smiley brace as Doncaster collapse like a dying whale to another poor defeat.

Everton 2-0 Tamworth: Brave effort from Tamworth is sullied by two unspectacular goals from Heitinga and Baines, leaving everyone to groan in sympathy.

Fleetwood Town 1-5 Blackpool: Ian Holloway’s side romps to victory as Matt Phillips scores a hat-trick and Lomana LuaLua evokes an instinctual euphoria in Sam Matterface.

Fulham 4-0 Charlton Athletic: Yankee-doodle hat-trick from Clint Dempsey kills off any hopes of an all-London derby becoming host to an upset.

Gillingham 1-3 Stoke City: Gills take the lead through Kedwell, but Pulis’ side shows the usual fight to turn the game around and keep The Potters in with a chance of repeating last season’s cup run.

Hull City 3-1 Ipswich Town: Some truly embarrassing defending from Ipswich and a sumptuous strike from Tom Cairney aid Hull to a simple victory.

Middlesbrough 1-0 Shrewsbury Town: Marvin Emnes casually pokes home a winner in an unspectacular affair.

Norwich City 4-1 Burnley: A flying start from the Canaries sees them into the next round, despite chunky striker Grant Holt missing a penalty.

Nottingham Forest 0-0 Leicester City: Both goalkeepers were forced to make some strong-handed saves to keep the game at an unhelpful stalemate.

Peterborough United 0-2 Sunderland: Jim Beglin falls asleep to the disappointment of no-one as Larsson’s frustratingly effective free-kicks and a James McLean goal see off the Posh challenge.

Reading 0-1 Stevenage: The Hertfordshire side gain a modestly surprising victory courtesy of Darius Charles’ first-half strike.

Sheffield United 3-1 Salisbury: The steak-loving underdogs were undone by a nutmeg, a chested effort and an own goal.

Sheffield Wednesday 1-0 West Ham United: Chris O’Grady crashes a late drive past uppity intellectual goalkeeper Ruud Boffin to give Wednesday a shock victory.

Tottenham 3-0 Cheltenham Town: Jermain Defoe commits shameful goal-theft as Dos Santos stars in Spurs rout.

Watford 4-2 Bradford City: Craig Forsyth plays his cards right as he earns a brace, including an excellent 25-yard piledriver, to help the Hornets to the victory.

West Bromwich Albion 4-2 Cardiff City: Simon Cox is on hand to fend off a dogged fightback from Cardiff, scoring a lovely hat-trick in the process.

Fourth Round Draw

Aside from all the annoying football that quite frankly gets in the way, one of the best things about an FA Cup weekend is the draw for the next round. There’s something faintly exciting about two men standing there with their hands fondling lots of balls (Two points for anyone who can spot the extremely subtle euphemisms in that sentence).

The Fourth Round Draw offered an interesting outcome. Without doubt, the biggest match of the weekend will be Manchester United’s second derby of the tournament away to Liverpool. The tension surrounding the game will only have been heightened by the recent dispute between Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra, and I’m certain that in a cup environment Liverpool will be giving their absolute all to turn Manchester United over. It promises to be a spectacularly entertaining fixture.

That aside, there’s quite a few all-Premier-League ties (potentially seven). This works out well for the smaller teams who have been drawn against each other, offering them that little ray of opportunity to reach the latter stages and get that once-in-a-lifetime day out in the sunshine. Certainly, the winners of the games between Stevenage and Notts County, Hull and Crawley, Blackpool and Sheffield Wednesday, and Forest/Leicester vs Swindon will be looking at their draws with an anticipated glee, as if they’d just matched the first three numbers of a lottery draw.

Other games to look out for would be Watford vs Tottenham, which will be a feisty affair given the proximity of the clubs and the fact that Tottenham Hotspur is a rather large bane on the young Watford support; Sunderland vs Middlesbrough, a North-East affair that promises to be driven with passion; and MK Dons/QPR vs Chelsea, which will either be one of the hugest games in the Dons very short history, or a fiery all-London affair in which Chelsea will look to avenge their cataclysmic defeat at Loftus Road earlier in the season.

ITV’s Coverage

I just wanted to add a quick word on ITV’s coverage of the FA Cup. While they have admittedly gotten better, the FA Cup highlights programme is still a very tough watch. For a start, the studio environment looks so cold, stiff and awkward. Matt Smith never appears to be comfortable. He’s sitting in an unnatural way and has the look in his eyes that he doesn’t really know what’s happening. The pundits were a better choice than usual, but they didn’t look very relaxed either. It just seemed for some reason as if they were all ready for a big rush.

You wouldn’t blame them though, because that’s what the programme is in effect. You get the detailed highlights of three or four games and then it’s a one-hundred meter dash to get through the rest of the matches. You get about four seconds of each game which basically just consists of the goals (unless it was a 0-0, in which case you get a customary two chances – one for either side), and then the pundits have to be experts on about thirty different games in one sitting. It’s not the right way to go about it.

It’s a tricky situation, because it would almost be a sin to forego games in order to have a more in-depth look at other matches, but it’s just a shame when a moment of pure bliss such as Ben Arfa’s stunning goal against Blackburn is barely squeezed in for one viewing.

Goal of the Weekend: The aforementioned head-spinner from Hatem Ben Arfa

Performance of the Weekend: Tricky. I’ll go for Swindon Town for their battling display against Wigan.

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: Paul Scholes, for spontaneously deciding he’d grown tired of sitting like a lemon (more like a tangerine, am I right?).