Football Round-Up: Some Great Foot-Bal-To-Tell-Yi About

It was Super Soccer Special Sky Sports Smashing Spectacular Stunning Sunday yesterday, so naturally the most significant action of the weekend took place on the Sabbath. However, there were stories galore and this here little page is all set to round them up like cattle. Even though I just made a point about how much more occurred than the two Sunday games, I’m going to be a hypocritical monster and start with yesterday’s action.

Manchester City 3-2 Tottenham Hotspur

So nearly was this City’s first slip on home turf this season. However, the league leaders were able to stabilise themselves just in the final nick of time, as they overcame a resurgent Tottenham side to retain their 100% record at the Etihad Stadium. Just as Redknapp’s Spurs began to look like a reasonable bet for the title, they encountered the toughest fixture in their calendar. Pulling a determined face, they braved the worst of the storm as they went 2-0 down, and without so much as glancing at the ground, pulled themselves back into the game. Despite losing the match a stroke before the final whistle, Tottenham will continue to be encouraged about their own ability from this match.

The first half was a simmering affair that suggested a game could be on the cards somewhere along the line. After neither team really threatened, the game sprung into life like a squirrel being awoken by an angry fox. On the 56^th minute, David Silva being the silky awesomeness he is, sliced the defence apart with a wonderful threaded pass to Samir Nasri, who took on the shot first time with an extremely clinical finish. City celebrated, but didn’t let their minds wander as a few minutes later, a corner was whipped in and Joleon Lescott used all of his body to bundle the ball into the back of the net. Tottenham had been destroyed by a three minute double-salvo.

As much as this can deflate teams, Tottenham are a strong balloon. Hang on, that metaphor still suggests weakness. Actually, they’re more like a football. A leather one. Stronger. Well, anyway, you know what I mean. What I’m trying to say is that Jermain Defoe pulled one back when Savic made an error and allowed the titchy striker a one-on-one opportunity with Hart, which the experienced Defoe would not refuse.

Before City could wipe their eyes with shock, Gareth Bale had levelled things to 2-2 with a sumptuous curled finish from range. Having enjoyed that brilliant goal, Tottenham begun to sense a victory on the horizon. Both sides were having chances up until the last few minutes, when Spurs came within inches of an incredible victory. Gareth Bale pounced on another Savic mistake and powered forward into the box. He pulled the ball back for Defoe who, stretching all 3 foot 7 of him, could only deflect the ball wide of the post.

Naturally, when there’s a story at Manchester City, Mario Balotelli isn’t far away. This time he was involved in a nasty and practically indefensible incident before winning and scoring the decisive penalty. Having tangled up with midfield rock Scott Parker, Balotelli appeared to direct a stamp towards Parker’s head. It had a regrettable deal of intent about it, and Balotelli will be lucky to escape a severe punishment for the incident.

However, right after Tottenham missed their massive opportunity, Ledley King brought Balotelli down in the Spurs penalty area and the referee was given no choice. The Italian dispatched the penalty without blinking, and City continued to march on.

Arsenal 1-2 Manchester United

“Anything you can do, we can do... similarly” was the (probably reluctant) cry of the United fans yesterday as they cruised to victory in a numbingly sedate game at the Emirates. This match will have drawn yawns from around the country as Arsenal showed they had extremely little to offer against an efficient United.

A turgid first half was only livened up in the final minute when Ryan Giggs’ curly cross was met by the enormous leap of Spanish Football Club Antonio Valencia. This will have given Arsene Wenger an excuse to release all of his pent up rage upon the team talk, and indeed Arsenal did look fired up in the second half.

They began to create chances but were suffering from ‘Diop-finishing’ syndrome, blasting the ball all over the place and nowhere near the goal. However, the quality of Robin van Persie shone through for the bazillionth time this season, as he found the degree-specific angle to slide the ball past Lindegaard in the 71^st minute.

Despite Wenger’s success in riling the team up, the Frenchman (who still looks like a man going through a perpetual bout of flu) decided to ruin everything by making a couple of laughable substitutions. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who had looked impressive, was brought off and replaced by the calamitous Andrey Arshavin, who did nothing. Still, Arsenal had the momentum so it would be fine, right? It wasn’t enough. Ten minutes later, United mesmerised the Arsenal defence with a beautiful game of penalty-box pinball. A great move allowed Danny Welbeck to thud home the winner.

United had to win this game following City’s victory over Tottenham. They’ve shown a great deal of strength in emerging victorious at The Emirates. Both sides continue to impress, and if one thing is certain, then it is that the winner of this season’s Premier League will have deserved it immensely.

Bolton Wanderers 3-1 Liverpool

Kenny Dalglish looks to be losing his Kingly magic. We have seen a great deal of shortcomings in the Liverpool team, and only one conclusion can be drawn – they have spent their money atrociously. With their struggles to get a result at home and now this crushing defeat against a lowly Bolton side, one has to wonder whether or not it’s time for his majesty to abdicate.

You have to give Bolton credit for securing the victory, but let’s make no mistake – Liverpool were poor. Mark Davies seemed to have a nasty infectious disease on his boots as the Liverpool defence kindly ran away from him as he bore down on goal. It was a simple finish to give Bolton the lead.

Nigel Reo-Coker showed what inimitable a truly wonderful class he has with a well taken second goal, before becoming furious over Craig Bellamy’s existence. The stumpy Welshman was the man to give Liverpool hope when he wrapped onto Carroll’s pass and struck home to make it 2-1 before half-time. Bolton were not to let it slip though, as Gretar Steinsson thumped home a volley to seal an excellent victory for The Trotters.

Bolton required hope. It was an entity they seemed totally devoid of up until now, but this victory could finally spark the revival everybody has been expecting.

Everton 1-1 Blackburn Rovers

Everton have spent this whole season on the periphery of everyone’s attention. I don’t think anyone’s even aware of their existence once Match of the Day is over, such is their ability to find that mid-table obscurity. Blackburn, however, are big characters in the relegation fight and will be delighted to continue grinding out results that could prove crucial in their struggle.

Blackburn were more than worth their point as they battered the Everton woodwork and generally appeared to be more spirited during the game. Despite this, The Toffees carved out a lucky lead when Fellaini got his arms all over the ball before Tim Cahill scored from close-range. It was his first goal for over a year, and his first non-headed goal since ever.

Blackburn persevered, embodying this newfound iron-grit that has infused the whole squad. After David Dunn smacked the post again (with the ball, I should add), Morten Gamst Pedersen attempted one of his irritatingly-good free-kicks. Howard parried it and as Cahill attempted to clear the ball away from goal, the ball hit David Goodwillie and bounced into the back of the net. David Goodwillie has three goals for Blackburn now, and I don’t think he’s done anything towards them except stand in the right place.

The game ended as a draw, which Blackburn will be both happier with, and slightly aggrieved by.

Fulham 5-2 Newcastle United

Right. I haven’t seen the highlights of this one, so I’m going to summarise without the usual match report-type bit. Fulham had been dipping their toes in the relegation mess a little bit up until this victory. However, the squad looks decent and Martin Jol has a proven track record when it comes to Premier League management. It never looked like Fulham had the ingredients for relegation, but this comprehensive victory over high-flying Newcastle will have done a lot to make that fact feel more secure.

The Cottagers owe a lot to Clint Dempsey. The yank has been tremendous in his five years at the club and it always feels like he is still improving. A hat-trick in this game pays tribute to his goalscoring prowess, but as we know Dempsey has so much more to his game than that. One wonders if Clint Dempsey is one of the most underrated players in the league.

Newcastle are under the scrutiny of having to cope without the brilliant Demba Ba, and it looks like they’re struggling. However, it clearly wasn’t for goals, as they scored two away from home (which most sides would be happy with). I’m guessing there were defensive issues for United, and that won’t bode well for this second half of the season if they are still harbouring European ambitions.

Norwich City 0-0 Chelsea

There’s little to say about this game. Norwich were predictably pegged back by Chelsea, but Fernando Torres’ extraordinary misfortune in front of goal saved the day once more. The troubled feminine Spaniard forced some spectacular saves from John Ruddy as well as missing other excellent opportunities.

It’s really quite amazing how Torres just cannot score at the moment. It’s got to the point where, by definition, he has to possess a quantum anti-luck in order for this barren run to make any sense in a universe without the paranormal. Still, at least his efforts were better than Malouda’s big opportunity, which I believe is still rising and should pass the Moon on Wednesday.

Norwich take another impressive point, Chelsea disappointingly drop another couple. Form does not change in this one.

QPR 3-1 Wigan Athletic

Tufty-haired Mark Hughes enjoyed his first victory with QPR as they secured a vital three points against their relegation rivals. Surprisingly, this was only Rangers’ second win at Loftus Road this year, and that sort of form is exactly what Hughes will be looking to change. They say ‘start as you mean to go on’, so signs are good.

A pretty blatant handball gave QPR an early advantage when they received a penalty for a moment of blind stupidity. Helguson just managed to squeeze it past Ali Al-Habsi, but the Omani goalkeeper was to get his own back later. He could do nothing about Akos Buzsaky’s spectacular free-kick ten minutes later though, which was directed beautifully into the top corner of the Wigan Athletic goal.

Hugo Rodallega looked at Buzsaky’s goal and thought to himself “That looks good, I might have a go at that”. Sure enough, Rodallega took his free-kick just as well as Buzsaky had, and another spectacular goal allowed Wigan a sniff of recovery. It looked like that would be negated when Heidar Helguson won another penalty after being brought down by Sammon. However, that redemption for Al-Habsi I alluded to earlier was completed here when he clawed away the Ice-man’s penalty terrifically.

For a man with a pretty bland name, Tommy Smith showed he was capable of the odd extravagance. From 25-yards out, the former Portsmouth and Watford striker crashed in a drive that stunned Wigan and put the game to bed. QPR hauled themselves out of the relegation zone, but Wigan are beginning to get cut off at the bottom. Though they always seem to find a way out of the dirge, it looks like Wigan will require a truly great escape this time around.

Stoke City 1-2 West Bromwich Albion

I don’t like Thomas Sorensen. I don’t have anything against him personally, but in my view he’s blocking the extremely talented Portsmouth-graduate Asmir Begovic from making himself into the greatest goalkeeper ever in the world. However, it’s only fair to say that the Dane was a tad unlucky when he allowed Morrison’s whistling shot to slip past him during Saturday’s game between Stoke and West Brom. The effort curled very late on and Sorensen happened to commit himself just a little too early. It was an unfortunate way for The Potters to go behind.

Stoke nearly got their own slice of luck when they were awarded a very soft penalty following Gareth McAuley’s challenge. However, Jon Walters’ effort was collected by Ben Foster, and the opportunity went to waste. Not to be deterred, Stoke did eventually get their equaliser very late on after Pennant’s free-kick (also a soft decision) found the head of Cameron Jerome, who poked it home. It looked like they had rescued a point.

Did I have you there? Did you think for a second that Stoke had drawn? No? Well, how did you kn... oh, I put it as the headline on this section. Oh, and you watch Match of the Day. Well, that’s one way of getting a football round-up, but... not the best way. Anyway, Dorrans’ angled free-kick broke Stoke hearts when it nestled into the bottom corner after missing everyone. Another important win for a relegation-threatened team. A surprise for Stoke.

Sunderland 2-0 Swansea

Two excellent goals allowed Sunderland’s fantastic run under Martin O’Neill to stretch further. Despite being the best passers in the league and having Britain’s answers to Xavi and Iniesta, Swansea offered little in the way of attack which may have disappointed frustrated bespectacled statisticians.

Stephane Sessegnon, who is without doubt my favourite player in the world at the moment, pulled off a brilliant one-two with James McLean before managing an absolutely sublime finish to put Sunderland ahead 15 minutes in. It was a fantastic goal, but would later be bettered. In the meantime though, Swansea had a good deal of possession without showing enough initiative up front to make the vital difference in the scoreline.

Then came the better goal, just five minutes before the end of the game. Stephane Sessegnon knocked the ball to Craig Gardner who took one touch before firing in a beautiful dipping half-volley that gave Michel Vorm no hope. The midfield maestro looked to his adoring fans with a casual smile as they applauded another tremendous goal, and another impressive victory.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 Aston Villa

Crumbs! I haven’t seen this one either. I know, it’s a shoddy football round-up when there’s a couple of games that I didn’t even get round to watching the highlights of (not to mention the many football league games I always ignore), but I didn’t want to wait any longer on this and I wanted to make sure I keep posting these. Anyway, I’ll stop going on about myself and start talking about the football that I didn’t see.

Robbie Keane has re-integrated himself into the Premier League with a couple of goals. Despite his MLS status, the least you can expect from someone like Robbie Keane is an eye for goal when he is offered the opportunity, and Alex McLeish seems to have devised a plan to keep a number of very reliable strikers at the club. Darren Bent, of course, comes with goals written into his contract. He scored a penalty to put his Premier League tally up to 99 (You may remember me saying he had 99 last week but... I didn’t).

Aston Villa move up to 11^th and appear to be heading towards a similar mid-table obscurity to that of Everton. Meanwhile, Wolves just can’t grind results out when it matters. If points were awarded for playing good football and looking generally impressive, Wolves would never be anywhere near the drop zone. However, they have a troublesome tendency to drop points too easily. It needs to change.

Goal of the Weekend: Craig Gardner’s volley that dipped like a rollercoaster and was just as much of a thrill.

Team of the Weekend: I’d be tempted to say Fulham despite having not seen them. Instead I’ll plum for QPR

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: I’m going to venture into the scary world of the football league and give a mention to the hilarious incident in which Bury players Coke and Schumacher nearly came to blows over who should take a penalty.

Football Round-Up: Scholes Galore

You should know the situation by now. We have what seems to be a three-horse title race between wily-old warheads Manchester United, pesky flash rich-boys Manchester City and the unlikely chancers Tottenham Hotspur. Beneath that we have various struggles for Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool whilst certain other teams continue to punch above their weight; teams like Norwich and Newcastle. At the other end of things, there’s a relegation battle occurring between crisis-club Blackburn, the terribly flat Bolton Wanderers, Wigan, Wolves, QPR, amongst others. Basically, lots of football stuff is happening.

That’s everything up to speed. Now let’s look the action from this weekend.

Manchester United 3-0 Bolton Wanderers

This might well be the least interesting or surprising scoreline in football history, but besides the predictability of United’s comfortable win lays an unusual aspect; that is, United were faced with the possibility of three defeats on the trot. The importance of this victory will not be lost on Scottish profanity-expert Ferguson, who hasn’t quite declared ‘Squeaky Bum Time’ yet, but is almost certainly seeing it in the periphery of his vision.

The result was seldom in doubt. United were all over Bolton’s defence, camping out in their penalty area like protesters in Parliament Square. Lanky striker Danny Welbeck forced a number of saves from ginger Hungarian rarity Adam Bogdan, and Rooney had a header stopped on the line. Welbeck was then clumsily pushed over in the area and a penalty was awarded. However Bogdan, still cowering in terror over his nightmare of Tim Howard repeatedly taking goal-kicks and laughing, made a brilliant stop from Wayne Rooney’s effort.

It was in vain though, as rickety pensioner Paul Scholes was able to sweep Rooney’s pass beyond the goalkeeper to make it 1-0 to United just before half-time. After the break, Bolton responded by moving the ball forward nicely. Unfortunately, Owen Coyle lost a bar-room bet the night before and was forced to play David N’Gog as a result, and the Frenchman used this opportunity to spurn out one of the worst shots ever seen on a football field.

Rooney’s strength enabled him to push through a pass for Welbeck, who used all his leg to stretch and flick it past Bogdan for 2-0. It was all over at that point, but to seal the victory and add a welcome coat of gloss to the scoreline, Michael Carrick fired in from 25-yards despite having as much eye for goal as a blind man with a phobia of netting.

United were suffering severe turbulence up until this victory. Whether or not it will steady the ship in the long-term will be seen over the coming weeks. As for Bolton, well... things are getting grim.

Wigan Athletic 0-1 Manchester City

I must confess that I haven’t actually seen any of this game, which makes it rather difficult to talk about given that this round-up usually requires some form of detail. I’ll try though.

Apparently Edin Dzeko scored, and they said it was a header.

Then the Wigan ‘keeper Ali Al-Habsi had to make some saves. Also Wigan had a couple of chances.

So hopefully you got a good idea of the game through that. These scrappier victories can form the basis of a title win, and I think that despite any struggles City might have had tonight, they will be mightily encouraged that they still won the game. It’s a bit clichéd, but real champions can play badly and win. I’m not sure if City did play badly, but I think we all know that on their best day, they could knock Wigan into another dimension.

Tottenham 1-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers

The build-up to this game was oddly intense for Tottenham. It seemed like the papers had only that morning realised Spurs were sitting in third place, and consequently made a concerted effort to tout their title prospects as hard as humanly possible. Despite the age etched onto his abnormal jowls, this was a new experience for Harry Redknapp and the team’s reaction to the sudden onslaught of pressure was always going to be telling.

While the headline for this result was always going to be about a stuttering Tottenham, it shouldn’t detract from a very impressive Wolves performance. They took the lead in the first-half after Roger Johnson forced a save from Brad Friedel that fell to the grateful feet of Steven Fletcher, who jauntily poked home to give the away side the lead.

Togolese phone-addict Emmanuel Adebayor, who seems to be mandatorily limited to a single chance per game, then had a goal disallowed for offside. It appeared that Kevin Foley was maybe playing him onside, but that’s extraneous detail considering that if the cameras weren’t sure then we can’t have a say more reliable than the linesman’s. This did not dishevel Wolves though, who carried on attacking as their new signing Emmanuel Frimpong, who’s surname sounds like a doorbell, forced another strong save from the hands of Brad Friedel.

Tottenham’s quality did shine through in the end, as Luka Modric thumped a strike that slipped past Wayne Hennessey and gave Spurs an important equaliser. They then pressed on for the win, but it was to no avail. A-point-a-piece was a fair summation of the way the match had played out. This was definitely not Tottenham at their best, and it may have illustrated their lack of readiness for the strains upon solidity a title race yields. Though you’d be brave to write the North London club out of the running at this point, there are indications that they might not be quite up to it.

As for Wolves, it seems like we get this all the time. A spirited display, Mick McCarthy moans a bit and they’re still gelled to the outskirts of the relegation battle. With performances like this they shouldn’t go down, but victories are the essence of survival in this league.

Blackburn Rovers 3-1 Fulham

There is a remarkable resurgence going on at Blackburn. Karl Pilkington lookalike Steve Kean appears to have absorbed strength from the taunts and jibes that lined his way to work over the past few weeks, and is now unleashing his rage in the form of unlikely results. The team, once devoid of enthusiasm and lacklustre in every stride, is now screaming confidence and showing willingness to battle.

At first, it looked like it might all go wrong for Rovers. Bobby Zamora’s looping header smacked into the post, and then Yakubu, a man stuck in a perpetual jog, was sent-off for a poor challenge on Danny Murphy. There’s been a lot said about tackling, and I will come back to this on another day, but whilst Yakubu’s challenge wasn’t a typical moment of ‘Serious Foul Play’, it was a knee-shattering tackle and deserved a sending-off.

All it was going to take was a Fulham goal and all the Blackburn fans would return to their second-most common state of existence (after breathing): misery. Swiss defender Phillippe Senderos thought he may have done the trick when he powered a header towards goal, but he was denied by a tremendous save from Paul Robinson. Martin Jol, who these days looks like a withered cartoon ogre, looked on in frustration.

Against the run of play, Blackburn managed to shock the Londoners just before half-time. Morten Gamst Pedersen directed his free-kick right into the bottom corner of David Stockdale’s goal, an effort which the ‘keeper perhaps should have saved. This invigorated Blackburn who soon doubled their lead after the break, with Goodwillie’s blocked shot falling to Dunn who spiked home a second.

Fulham threatened to spoil the party when former Blackburnian winger Damien Duff cut in a goal from a tight angle, giving the Blackburn fans chills down their collective spine. They had nothing to fear though, as Steven N’Zonzi expertly found Mauro Formica, who coolly finished making the lead an unassailable 3-1.

It’s a depressing result for Fulham, given the nature of Blackburn’s current plight and the fact that they were down to ten men. Still, you have to give Rovers credit, they’ve conjured up a victory out of a situation that looked hopeless, and as long as they keep doing this, the more chance they have of surviving. Steve Kean is leading one of the most astonishing comebacks from any manager in football, and it’s become one of the season’s stories to watch.

Swansea City 3-2 Arsenal

The script was written for Thierry Henry. I’m sure that’s what we all would’ve been saying if he’d had any impact whatsoever, but instead the Frenchman decided he wasn’t up for the role of saviour as Arsenal crashed at the Liberty Stadium.

Even Robin van Persie’s obligatory act of dragging Arsenal out of the mud wasn’t enough on Sunday. The Dutchman began the match with his usual class, tagging onto the end of Arshavin’s ball and slamming home from a difficult angle to put Arsenal into an early lead. Despite this, Arsenal’s defence was looking stretched and wayward. It was like watching four men panic with a rolling bomb. Swansea regained possession and Nathan Dyer was fouled in the resulting attack, garnering the Welsh side a penalty. Scott Sinclair duly converted it.

Both sides had further chances in the first-half. Ramsey took the ball past the ‘keeper and nearly squeezed his shot into the goal, but it clanged off the post. Up the other end, Nathan Dyer was causing problems and testing Sczcesney. Luckily for Swansea, Arsenal displayed some more useless defending in the second-half, relinquishing possession and allowing Allen to find Dyer who smashed in a nice goal with a hint of curliness on it.

All this gave the chance for Theo Walcott to rectify some recent hesitant moments. There’s been a few occasions where the pacy winger has been one-on-one with the goalkeeper and fluffed the opportunity, but not this time. An expert finish from the accidental World-Cup star made it 2-2 for Arsenal. Crisis averted? Stage set for an Henry winner? Not a chance.

Within seconds Swansea were up the other end. A stupefied Wojiech Szczesney gasped in surprise. “Huh?” he expressed. Danny Graham, showing little remorse, brushed home a winner before the Gunners were even aware of it. A late opportunity for Mertesacker was skewed horribly wide, and Swansea had captured a glorious, famous win.

The Swans have been playing tremendous football lately and definitely warranted that prestigious victory. It’s great to see that an attacking side coming straight up from the Championship can look genuinely capable of coping with their full-on style throughout the season (as opposed to the likes of Hull and Blackpool, who always seemed to be on the edge of chaos). Meanwhile, Arsenal’s recent run of excellent results seems to have ended and Wenger will be looking to redouble the efforts of reaching that all-important top-four finish.

Chelsea 1-0 Sunderland

Sunderland can be a bit of a bogey team for Chelsea, so this game always had the potential of being a difficult contest for The Blues. Sunderland certainly won’t feel that they were a disappointment, as they began with Stephane “The Power” Sessegnon bullying his way forward and trying his best to initiate forward movement. The omnipotent Beninese midfielder couldn’t force the issue enough though, as Chelsea went up the other end and Fernando Torres tried a spectacular overhead kick that crashed off the bar. A dumbstruck Frank Lampard provided an unintentional follow-up, and Chelsea were suddenly 1-0 up.

Both sides had chances. Danish loaf Nicklas Bendtner squashed an effort wide of the post and James McLean fluffed an excellent opportunity to equalise. Meanwhile Fernando Torres was doing his usual trick of flumping shots all over the place, hitting everything except the back of the net as he desperately looked for a way to end his 14-hour barren spell.

Ramires also pushed forward through midfield, and had a solid effort on goal from distance producing a good save from Mignolet. He apologised to Torres for not choosing to pass, before sharing knowing glances with the rest of his teammates. Gardner and Bendtner both missed more chances before the referee blew the final whistle. Chelsea took a tight but necessary victory as Sunderland left the Bridge without having been disgraced.

West Bromwich Albion 1-2 Norwich City

It was all going so well. Comfortable, consistent... just how it’d been planned. But some surprises can’t be accounted for. Sometimes things just go wrong. When the autocue broke down, Lineker faced the camera with a piercing stare of terror, reaching out to the viewers in search of a solace that would never come. He was suddenly alone on his words, and a vulnerability was spoken down the lens. I’m not ashamed to say I got a bit teary-eyed when I saw it.

Anyway, Norwich continued to be the most impressive of the promoted teams with another well-earned away victory. After both sides had chances, Hoolahan crossed into the box to find Andrew Surman, who clumped in a volley. It made a beautiful sound, and the loveliness of that was reflected in the scoreline; 1-0.

It wasn’t all plain-sailing for the Canaries, as slightly-disappointing-given-his-namesake defender Daniel Ayala committed a rash foul to give West Brom a penalty. Shane Long confidently dispatched it, and gave the Baggies a fatal confidence. Charging forward for the victory, Mulumbu had his shot stolen off him at the vital moment, and an incisive breakaway from Norwich culminated in Grant Holt lofting in a cross for Morison to slam a header home. Norwich picked up their 7^th win of the season, re-emphasising their ambition for mid-table obscurity. For West Brom, the struggle gets heavier...

Newcastle 1-0 QPR

With Demba Ba on the form of his life, it was going to be a strain on Newcastle to replace him as the selfish Senegalese striker decided he wanted to play in the Africa Cup of Nations. How dare he?

The way QPR began the game was extremely feisty. They fought tooth, nail, hair and any other disposable part of the body for the ball and were not afraid of giving the goalkeeper a few frights. Buszaky stung the fingertips of Tim Krul whilst dinky winger Shaun Wright-Phillips’s effort skimmed a lick of paint off the bar.

Newcastle pushed on, and Leon Best (who is largely being touted as Demba Ba’s replacement) showed a touch of quality as he danced around a defender and slotted the ball into the back of the net with supreme style.

Jay Bothroyd became QPR’s scattergun as he decided he was just going to keep shooting until the statistics looked ridiculous. It didn’t work, but QPR were still pressing up-front. It actually made Paddy Kenny so bored, he decided to inject a bit of excitement into his game by rushing out to prevent a corner, rounding an oncoming midfielder and then putting it out for a throw-in. He then enjoyed the adrenaline-rush of the sprint back to goal as Spider-Geordie Jonas Gutierrez tried to curl the ball in past the stranded ‘keeper. The defence were there to clear up for the Irish Lemsip-addict.

Newcastle held firm and took the victory. The Hughes-effect hasn’t quite settled for Rangers, but there were promising signs in there. Namely, their renewed passion.

Aston Villa 1-1 Everton

A bog-standard mid-table clash if ever there was one. Neither side were itchingly desperate for the victory in this game, so a draw was probably the necessary result on this occasion. Most of the early action involved Shay Given, as he had to make a terrific save from Saha’s header, followed by another save from Stephen Warnock’s stupidity. His run of stops made him so confident, that he decided he wasn’t even going to use hands when he later saved Fellaini’s effort.

Darren Bent then scored his 99^th Premier League goal after Marc Albrighton stuck a super cross into the box and, after a bit of back-and-forth between him and Stephen Ireland, Bent slipped in the finish for 1-0.

Despite this, seasonal Yank Landon Donovan was able to help level things up when his clever ball found on-form and also seasonal striker Victor Anichebe who summoned up all his composure for a sweet finish. It was two even teams in an even game with an even result. Nothing odd about that.

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City

Oh wow, finding something to say about this one. I mean, it was easier with the City game and I haven’t even seen that one. Liverpool do seem to be drawing a crazy amount of home matches, and I don’t think the claim that teams come to Anfield and defend for their lives can be used to excuse all of these ties. Liverpool have to be strong enough to score goals at home, and if they can’t do it then one wonders if King Kenny still has the magic anymore.

Liverpool did have chances, albeit sparse ones. Kuyt and Skrtel both missed headers and Stewart Downing put an effort over the bar. Other than that though, Liverpool had little and should have offered so much more going forward.

It’s the sort of result Stoke are good at getting, though, and they will be happy with another point towards survival for their fourth consecutive season.

And that wraps everything up. Come back next week for another one. Also I’m a bit tired and not well today, so that probably wasn’t my best one. So, like, if you hated this give it another go. And if you liked it, thanks and that.

Goal of the Weekend:  Leon Best’s twirly jive and sumptuous finish.

Performance of the Weekend: Blackburn, for defying their subdued manpower and emerging victorious.

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: Paddy Kenny, for deciding he’d had enough of sitting about and rushing out of goal unexpectedly.

Football Round-Up: Henry makes for good Kompany

F.A. Cup Round-Up

Ooh, the FA Cup, eh? It evokes such blissful nostalgia. You’d stick a tuppence through the turnstile, buy your Bovril and pie and make your way to the terraces. There was old Bobby Rutherford and Peter Castle playing up-front, the pitch would be as muddy as hell and the tackles would be flying in from Norman “Cruncher” Harris. At the end of the game you’d go home and play Subbuteo whilst reading Roy of the Rovers and watching Match of the Day on an old black and white telly. That’s what the FA Cup was all about.

I know where you think this is going, but I’m electing to skip the awkward and dull ‘Has the cup lost its magic’ debate in favour of celebrating a pretty exciting weekend of knockout action. We had a few upsets, a couple of barnstorming games and some juicy controversy. This round-up begins, rather predictably, in Manchester.

Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United

Despite the ample number of goals, the scoreline in this game doesn’t fairly reflect the drama and intrigue the latest Manchester Derby provided us. In what was no doubt one of the defining games of the season for these two clubs, City will likely feel somewhat aggrieved to have been on the bitter, losing end of this very open, exciting tie.

It started off looking comfortable for City, who seldom surrendered possession in the first ten minutes of the game. Though their chances were meek, they seemed to have the element of control in the early part of the match, refusing to give the ball back like an angry child who'd just been told he wasn't allowed to play with the other kids. However, that changed almost in an instant as United finally got their foot on the ball, instigated a single counter attack and scored. Rooney blasted into the box with a powerful header that second-choice man mountain goalkeeper Costel Pantilimon could do nothing about.

It was a setback for Manchester City, but by no means a disaster – no, that would have to wait two minutes before Vincent Kompany was sent-off for a two-footed but very placid tackle on Nani. The decision has been hotly argued over and thousands have died in the ensuing clashes. Whilst you can see why the referee has chosen to issue a red card, you have to ask whether common sense should have prevailed in this case. After all, sending off the home captain during a big derby match just 12 minutes into the game should be the very last resort for a referee, and leeway ought to be given accordingly.

This did nothing to help City, who seemed to quieten down whilst United grew into the game with more and more confidence. On the half-hour mark, Danny Welbeck did extremely well to perform a full-body joint reshuffle and hook in a half-volley, making it 2-0. Just before the break, Aleksandar Kolarov brought down Welbeck in the box and Rooney reacted first when Pantilimon saved his initial penalty, heading home for an ominous 3-0 lead at half-time. 

City were never likely to collapse far enough to give United the satisfaction of six goals, but their comeback was a big surprise and a positive sign of their resilience. Having presumably been shouted at by an Italian for 15 minutes, the home side came onto the field with a renewed belief, and early on in the second half Kolarov completed a personal redemption by expertly whipping a free-kick past Anders Lindegaard. City were suddenly looking like the more rampant team, despite their shortage in manpower.

That morning, it had been announced that squinty ginger pass-machine Paul Scholes was to haul his rear end out of his armchair and back into the unforgiving world of top-flight football. He re-introduced himself to the foray during the second half to thunderous applause, but his dream return was rather scuppered when he gave the ball away to James Milner. Milner found Aguero in the box, and after bashing Lindegaard with the ball for a bit the Argentine stuck it in the back of the net to make it 3-2.

City threw pressure onto the faces of United, but it was in vain. Despite a late penalty appeal when Phil Jones, who'd had an off-beat day, handled the ball, City just could not get that equaliser. It will have been encouraging for City fans to have seen such a spirited display, but that doesn’t soften the blow of losing to their despised rivals much. Both teams had lost out on their major European ambitions, but for City now it really is just a case of whether they win the league or not that will classify this season as either a triumph or a disaster (I know they’re in the Carling Cup as well, but I don’t think that’s what players with the reputations of Aguero and Silva came here to win).

Jumping Jillikers! That was a long one. Let’s do some other, smaller ones now.

Swindon Town 2-1 Wigan Athletic

League Two Swindon probably achieved the biggest upset of the round by beating an unglamorous but fairly strengthy Wigan outfit on Saturday. Following a decent early start by The Robins, they were unlucky to concede a penalty when Callum McManaman (who wins the award for having the name that is most fun to type) was taken down in the box. Ben Watson struck the post, but McManaman was on hand to force the goal. I quite like it when an away team does that actually, because you get that lovely collective groan following the excited cheer.

Swindon might have lost their bottle, but for the exploits of Portsmouth-born midfielder Matt Ritchie. His flair and class changed the game in the underdogs’ favour, with his thumping cross finding the head of Alan Connell, who glanced home to equalise just before half-time. Later on, Ritchie’s distance drive was expertly bounced off the legs of Paul Benson, wrong-footing Ali Al-Habsi and sending the ball in the back of the net.

For Wigan, another struggle in the murky pits of the Premier League may take aid from this early cup exit, but that will take nothing away from the Swindon celebrations. After the game, tattooed Italian madman and Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio was delighted with his first major day in the limelight as a coach, and dedicated the victory to his father.

Macclesfield Town 2-2 Bolton Wanderers

Macclesfield came close to sidling their way into the spotlight when they gave Bolton a fright and forced a replay from Owen Coyle’s off-form side. Having gone behind after Klasnic bundled the ball home early on, Adam Bogdan, who's face was still a deep shade of red following Tim Howard's lovely strike over him, was kept on his guard by a rampant display from the home team. It didn’t take long for the Hungarian to be beaten though, as a speedy and effective breakaway was completed by Colin Daniel.

In the second half, Arnaud Mendy scored an absolutely brilliant goal to put Macclesfield ahead. He took two touches, one to flick the ball up in the air and one to crash in a volley, and found the top corner of the net with tantalising conviction. However, this moment of magic did not bring the victory that it deserved, with David Wheater using the natural bulkiness of his 6 foot 5 framework to charge a header into the back of the net for Bolton. Macclesfield held on through a spell of pressure towards the end and earned themselves a replay. They enjoyed a cup day to remember, but it’s unlikely The Silkmen will be progressing any further.

MK Dons 1-1 QPR

Neil Warnock suffered hardest from the ‘magic of the cup’ when QPR were almost left red-faced by an MK Dons side that were much more determined than the opposing Premier League outfit. Flying high in League One, the Dons carried plenty of confidence into the tie and had some excellent chances to take the lead. A tight offside decision and a penalty shout aside, the Dons created a few good chances before Dean Bowditch battled the ball off Heidar Helguson and slotted home to give the home side a deserved lead.

It would have been a well-earned surprise victory had it not been for the late mix-up between the goalkeeper and defence that allowed Helguson to steal in and poach a goal that was every bit as cheeky as Bowditch’s opener. Regardless of the last-minute equaliser, Neil Warnock (affectionately known as Colin) found himself out of the job on Sunday evening, with his likely replacement being Mark Hughes (but more on that next time). Dons manager Karl Robinson has promised to “have a go” in the replay, and given their excellent performance you wouldn’t bet against them completing the upset.

Crawley Town 1-0 Bristol City

Crawley’s rise to prominence continued with a hard-fought victory over Championship relegation-line tip-toers Bristol City. The first-half would have reflected Crawley’s dominance in the scoreline had it not been for a seemingly jagged inside post, which somehow prevented efforts from Thompson and Tubbs sliding into the goal.

In the second half rotundly-named Matt Tubbs, who has scored a number of important goals for Crawley including 40 in their promotion year, was put through on goal by a scything pass from Sergio Torres. He had the experience to put it past veteran ‘keeper David James, and that was all Crawley needed to confirm their place in the fourth round.

Newcastle United 2-1 Blackburn Rovers

Could it finally be their year? Newcastle are probably in the best position to win a major trophy since Alan Shearer retired, with many key players on the form of their lives and the team as a unit functioning well. In the face of an early setback when David Goodwillie scored another two-yard scrambler, Newcastle eventually showed that they had the class to dispatch Steve Kean’s jaded and downbeat men. 

Hatem Ben Arfa briefly turned into Lionel Messi when he outfoxed the Blackburn defence multiple times in a row before lofting the ball past Mark Bunn in goal. Alan Pardew called it the best goal he’d ever seen, and in fairness to him it was a superb individual effort. It was just a shame that ITV felt the clip was only worth rushing through once and with no deliberation (more on that further down).

In the fifth minute of stoppage time, Jonas Gutierrez knocked away a dramatic winner to give Newcastle a place in the fourth round, as well as allowing himself an opportunity to cosplay as a slap-dash Spiderman.

Arsenal 1-0 Leeds United

From the moment Thierry Henry signed the loan deal to take him back to Arsenal for two months, this game was only ever going to be about one beardy Frenchman. The Emirates Stadium lapped up his presence with the enthusiasm of a child at Christmas. This was Arsenal’s very own ‘Return of the King’, and boy did he take to his throne with style.

Leeds spent the first-half being irritatingly handy in defence, with Arsenal only allowed a handful of decent chances on goal. With Robin van Persie taking an oddly-timed break in Dubai, the Arsenal attack lacked the vigour, creativity and clinical finishing the Dutchman has carried with him all season. It only made sense that Henry was going to make an appearance, and it only made sense that he would end up scoring the decisive goal.

Indeed, in the second-half King Thierry graced the audience to a might reception. He doffed his crown before focussing on channelling the natural passion he had for the club into an effective performance. Within ten minutes, Alex Song cut through the Leeds defence with a clever pass and Henry took two touches to stroke the ball home past Lonergan. The Frenchman went crazy, celebrating like he’d just given birth to Jesus.

It was a fitting way for Henry to begin his second spell at Arsenal, and it now remains to be seen as to whether or not Thierry can still hack it against Premier League opposition.

The rest

Because there was a lot going on this weekend, I’m going to do a one sentence summary of the remaining fixtures.

Barnsley 2-4 Swansea City: Danny Graham scored a beautiful drive as Nathan Dyer pulled the strings in the Swansea midfield to lead the Swans to a victory in an entertaining fixture (that was only let down by the fact it made some Welsh people happy).

Birmingham City 0-0 Wolverhampton Wanderers: Absolutely nothing happened and everyone hated it.

Brighton & HA 1-1 Wrexham: Unpronounceably named midfielder Adrian Cieslewicz performed a dainty dribble and deflected a goal in to give non-league Wrexham a valuable replay.

Bristol Rovers 1-3 Aston Villa: Pensioner Scott McGleish scored a nice flick but missed a penalty as Aston Villa showed too much class for Bristol Rovers to contain.

Chelsea 4-0 Portsmouth: A rather flattering result for Chelsea who thumped Pompey in a repeat of the 2010 FA Cup Final (except with lots more goals).

Coventry City 1-2 Southampton: Lowly Coventry took an early lead, but Danny Fox was the big provider with two assists for Southampton in an all-Championship affair which ended with top beating bottom.

Dagenham & Redbridge 0-0 Millwall: League Two Dagenham frustrated Millwall and earned a replay in another uneventful affair that I wish I wasn't talking about because I couldn't fit anything interesting into that sentence.

Derby County 1-0 Crystal Palace: Palace players ran around with Wembley in the corner of their eyes as Derby won against the distracted side.

Doncaster Rovers 0-2 Notts County:  Jeff Hughes enjoys a smiley brace as Doncaster collapse like a dying whale to another poor defeat.

Everton 2-0 Tamworth: Brave effort from Tamworth is sullied by two unspectacular goals from Heitinga and Baines, leaving everyone to groan in sympathy.

Fleetwood Town 1-5 Blackpool: Ian Holloway’s side romps to victory as Matt Phillips scores a hat-trick and Lomana LuaLua evokes an instinctual euphoria in Sam Matterface.

Fulham 4-0 Charlton Athletic: Yankee-doodle hat-trick from Clint Dempsey kills off any hopes of an all-London derby becoming host to an upset.

Gillingham 1-3 Stoke City: Gills take the lead through Kedwell, but Pulis’ side shows the usual fight to turn the game around and keep The Potters in with a chance of repeating last season’s cup run.

Hull City 3-1 Ipswich Town: Some truly embarrassing defending from Ipswich and a sumptuous strike from Tom Cairney aid Hull to a simple victory.

Middlesbrough 1-0 Shrewsbury Town: Marvin Emnes casually pokes home a winner in an unspectacular affair.

Norwich City 4-1 Burnley: A flying start from the Canaries sees them into the next round, despite chunky striker Grant Holt missing a penalty.

Nottingham Forest 0-0 Leicester City: Both goalkeepers were forced to make some strong-handed saves to keep the game at an unhelpful stalemate.

Peterborough United 0-2 Sunderland: Jim Beglin falls asleep to the disappointment of no-one as Larsson’s frustratingly effective free-kicks and a James McLean goal see off the Posh challenge.

Reading 0-1 Stevenage: The Hertfordshire side gain a modestly surprising victory courtesy of Darius Charles’ first-half strike.

Sheffield United 3-1 Salisbury: The steak-loving underdogs were undone by a nutmeg, a chested effort and an own goal.

Sheffield Wednesday 1-0 West Ham United: Chris O’Grady crashes a late drive past uppity intellectual goalkeeper Ruud Boffin to give Wednesday a shock victory.

Tottenham 3-0 Cheltenham Town: Jermain Defoe commits shameful goal-theft as Dos Santos stars in Spurs rout.

Watford 4-2 Bradford City: Craig Forsyth plays his cards right as he earns a brace, including an excellent 25-yard piledriver, to help the Hornets to the victory.

West Bromwich Albion 4-2 Cardiff City: Simon Cox is on hand to fend off a dogged fightback from Cardiff, scoring a lovely hat-trick in the process.

Fourth Round Draw

Aside from all the annoying football that quite frankly gets in the way, one of the best things about an FA Cup weekend is the draw for the next round. There’s something faintly exciting about two men standing there with their hands fondling lots of balls (Two points for anyone who can spot the extremely subtle euphemisms in that sentence).

The Fourth Round Draw offered an interesting outcome. Without doubt, the biggest match of the weekend will be Manchester United’s second derby of the tournament away to Liverpool. The tension surrounding the game will only have been heightened by the recent dispute between Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra, and I’m certain that in a cup environment Liverpool will be giving their absolute all to turn Manchester United over. It promises to be a spectacularly entertaining fixture.

That aside, there’s quite a few all-Premier-League ties (potentially seven). This works out well for the smaller teams who have been drawn against each other, offering them that little ray of opportunity to reach the latter stages and get that once-in-a-lifetime day out in the sunshine. Certainly, the winners of the games between Stevenage and Notts County, Hull and Crawley, Blackpool and Sheffield Wednesday, and Forest/Leicester vs Swindon will be looking at their draws with an anticipated glee, as if they’d just matched the first three numbers of a lottery draw.

Other games to look out for would be Watford vs Tottenham, which will be a feisty affair given the proximity of the clubs and the fact that Tottenham Hotspur is a rather large bane on the young Watford support; Sunderland vs Middlesbrough, a North-East affair that promises to be driven with passion; and MK Dons/QPR vs Chelsea, which will either be one of the hugest games in the Dons very short history, or a fiery all-London affair in which Chelsea will look to avenge their cataclysmic defeat at Loftus Road earlier in the season.

ITV’s Coverage

I just wanted to add a quick word on ITV’s coverage of the FA Cup. While they have admittedly gotten better, the FA Cup highlights programme is still a very tough watch. For a start, the studio environment looks so cold, stiff and awkward. Matt Smith never appears to be comfortable. He’s sitting in an unnatural way and has the look in his eyes that he doesn’t really know what’s happening. The pundits were a better choice than usual, but they didn’t look very relaxed either. It just seemed for some reason as if they were all ready for a big rush.

You wouldn’t blame them though, because that’s what the programme is in effect. You get the detailed highlights of three or four games and then it’s a one-hundred meter dash to get through the rest of the matches. You get about four seconds of each game which basically just consists of the goals (unless it was a 0-0, in which case you get a customary two chances – one for either side), and then the pundits have to be experts on about thirty different games in one sitting. It’s not the right way to go about it.

It’s a tricky situation, because it would almost be a sin to forego games in order to have a more in-depth look at other matches, but it’s just a shame when a moment of pure bliss such as Ben Arfa’s stunning goal against Blackburn is barely squeezed in for one viewing.

Goal of the Weekend: The aforementioned head-spinner from Hatem Ben Arfa

Performance of the Weekend: Tricky. I’ll go for Swindon Town for their battling display against Wigan.

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: Paul Scholes, for spontaneously deciding he’d grown tired of sitting like a lemon (more like a tangerine, am I right?).

Football Round-Up: Ba God, Howard-bout That Then?

I may as well be calling this Premier League roundup. That’s what it is really, but you have to ask why on earth would I want to talk about any other league (besides the fact the team I love and hold dear to me is in another league)? Despite the worrying state of our football’s finances, England’s top tier is still the most entertaining in the world. This season has been as good as any other I can remember, and tonight it went more mental. There were more talking points over the last three days of football than there were throughout World War Two, so let’s dive in.

QPR 1-2 Norwich City

First: controversy. You’re going to roll your eyes in predicted dismay at the culprit. Yep, Joey Barton once again finds himself in the middle of a row over his sending off during QPR’s defeat to Norwich. The game had been going well for Barton who capped an excellent move involving Faurlin and Hill to put The R’s 1-0 up. However, soon afterwards he found himself involved in a barney with Bradley Johnson. It looked like handbags, but the referee pulled play a long was back and sent Barton for an early bath due to an alleged headbutt. Norwich subsequently went on to win, with an excellent strike from Pilkington and a goal from Morison sealing three points.

Replays leave the incident ambiguous. It looked like there was very little movement when Barton put his head in, and the linesman (who brought the ‘headbutt’ to the referee’s attention) clearly didn’t see the incident because, as has been pointed out, he didn’t stop play immediately. Barton may have a case for being a whiny moan-smith, but Robbie Savage got it right in saying “He had it coming”. No footballer has a reputation without having earned it, and Barton is known for trouble like this. If he does move his head towards someone the way he did, then he has to know that he runs the risk of somebody assuming that, because it’s Joey Barton, it’s a red card. The decision was wrong, but Barton needs to realise he has a stake in all this fault as well.

This leaves QPR looking a bit vulnerable. They’ve lost a fair bit of rhythm over the past few weeks and now find themselves supported by the dotted relegation line. In many cases, promoted teams lose momentum in the second half of the season, so for new faces to survive, it is massively helpful to have a good haul of points at this stage. Norwich, on the other hand, are doing excellently. I have no doubts they will stay up at all. In fact, if they go down I’ll donate my whole bank balance to charity*.

Newcastle United 0-3 Manchester United

There’s been more twists in this title race than in Harry Redknapp’s face, and the last few days have been no different. Manchester United crashed and burned against Newcastle, recording their second embarrassing defeat in five days. You have to give credit to Newcastle, who looked superb and scored two amazing goals. Oppressed syrup campaigner Demba Ba scored the first with a beautiful flick past Lindegaard. The Senegalese striker has firmly showed himself to be a class act this season, and I’m convinced he is one of the best forwards in the league. He’s so quick to take the shot on and he find the back of the net with terrifying conviction.

Yoann Cabaye added the second with a whistling air-slasher of a free-kick. At this point you begin to expect the classic United comeback but... they haven’t been doing that this season. The traditional groan-worthy turnarounds Fergie’s side is usually capable of have not been seen for a while, and you start to wonder if that will make a difference in this year’s title race. To cap the nightmare off, Phil Jones forgot that he was, for once, playing alongside a vaguely competent goalkeeper and headed back to the middle of the goal, only to find that Lindegaard was already waiting to clear the ball 10 yards away. Chaos ensued, and poor Phil Jones will have to bear the brunt of ridicule for an uncharacteristic mistake. Take nothing away from Newcastle, who were sublime, but this period of struggle is a worry for United.

Manchester City 3-0 Liverpool

To add further concern, the meddlin’ kids from across the road Manchester City recorded a confident win against a lacklustre Liverpool side. With Suarez out, the Scousers struggled with little midfield creativity and no conviction up front. Andy Carroll continued to look like the most expensive practical joke ever, and City eased away into the distance once more. Pepe Reina, a goalkeeper who is usually more reliable than iron, made a hash of Aguero’s early strike, diving right over the top of it to allow City the lead. A Yaya Toure header and James Milner’s penalty added the morale-boosting emphasis to the victory. It was all very efficient from Manchester City, which sends out a big message to the title rivals because, despite their current shortcomings, Liverpool are no mugs.

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 West Bromwich Albion

Manchester City once again take a three point lead over Man United at the top. That said, Tottenham could be within that same margin should they be victorious over Everton in their game-in-hand next Wednesday. They overcame a resilient West Brom side to record their 13^th win of the season. Despite the resolve of Woy’s Baggies, Tottenham’s midfield eventually conspired to ignite the game, with a swift move allowing Defoe to finish a well crafted goal. It was the crazy-haired striker’s 75^th league goal for Tottenham, and it leaves them looking every bit as plausible a title candidate as Manchester United.

West Brom continue to show teeth-clenching grit, and though the result didn't go their way against Spurs, the positives are there for Hodgson to gaze and smile at. The team is embroiled in the relegation fight whether they like it or not, but with performances like they have managed in recent times, it seems like The Baggies are well prepared for the tough times that lie ahead. Their attacking play has been diverse and of a strong quality in the last few weeks, and they will continue to battle hard to earn points wherever they can be found.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-2 Chelsea

For Chelsea, it was a tale of redemption built on the wobbly grounds of luck. Both the Blues and Wolves showed a great deal of fighting spirit in their game at Molineux on Monday, but as will often happen, the cream gently rose to the top and Chelsea managed to squeeze home a win that maybe shouldn’t have happened.

Based on chances, Chelsea were better. However, Frank Lampard’s tackle on Adam Hammill was horrendous and was adequately worthy of a red card. Lampard was spared by Peter Walton, and it was a good thing too (hint  - you’ll see why in a minute). Ramires hooked in the first goal of the game and the Chelsea players all did a strange celebration where they team all snuggled together and showed the manager, or something like that. I didn’t really understand it.

Anyway, Stephen Ward replied with a well taken goal, before Ashley Cole (who was also rather lucky to be on the pitch) exploited Wolves’ poor defending down the wing and drilled the ball in for Lampard to convert. It was desperately unlucky for Wolves, who nearly sprung a late equaliser but were denied by the capable fingers of Petr Cech. It’s the slightly fortuitous result that Chelsea needed badly. They were scrabbling around on the floor in the dark, desperately hoping for a shard of form to return, and they finally caressed their fingers upon a lonely slice of fortune.

Arsenal 1-2 Fulham

Arsenal found themselves back in “pre-van-Persie-being-absolutely-bloody-incredible” form with their disappointing defeat to Fulham. It was an encapsulating game with chances for both teams.  Arsenal had the early wind in their sails, with Gervinho deserving a penalty before Koscielny, whose name sounds like piece of paper being scrunched up, headed home a simple opener.

Fulham responded well, as Bryan Ruiz made a nuisance of himself for the Arsenal defence. Actually, I should use this opportunity to retract my earlier statements about Bryan Ruiz having done nothing. He looks like he’s got a good deal of quality about him. The home side continued to press, and Djourou stupidly got himself sent-off for two well warranted bookings. This broke the latch for Fulham, with Sidwell scrambling in a header before Zamora won it with a dramatic late goal. In the midst of all this Arsene Wenger tragically lost one of his pockets.

Everton 1-2 Bolton Wanderers

One of the bigger spectacles of the last three days (that is an awkward phrase – I really want to say weekend; damn January) was at Goodison Park. It was windier than Auntie Nora, and this gave us one of the more extravagant moments of the Premier League season thus far. Tim Howard, using his godly powers, commanded the wind to blow forth above Adam Bogdan at exactly the wrong moment, and his routine clearance became a goal of which the distance has never been seen before (in the Premier League). Howard refused to celebrate in the wake of his red-faced opposite. “It’s a freak” cried the commentator. He’s not that ugly, many responded.

This wasn’t enough to curb the vigour of Bolton, who pressed on looking for any sniff of precious points. Four minutes later, laugh-a-minute waste machine David N’Gog skilfully dragged the ball into the box before unleashing an excellent finish to equalise for The Trotters. Late on, wantaway defender Gary Cahill utilised Eagles’ insightful pass with a very well-taken strike to get Bolton an unexpected and cherished win. It was a result that you would have maybe expected from the Bolton of last season, at that will be encouraging to the fans, as well as Owen Coyle.

Blackburn Rovers 1-2 Stoke City

Meanwhile, fellow Lancashire bottom-dwellers Blackburn had another ropey day, losing at Ewood Park for the eighth time this season. This time the benefiters were Stoke City, who largely had lanky bean sprout Peter Crouch to thank. For both of Stoke’s goals, Crouch chested the ball down before thumping the ball past the goalkeeper. It was shoddy defending from Blackburn, who had a goal disallowed early on. They earned a consolation goal when the hilariously named David Goodwillie poked home in some goalmouth madness, but Jonathan Woodgate’s goal-line stop prevented Rovers from stealing a point.

It’s another blow for Steve Kean who, despite clinging onto a new rung with the win at Old Trafford, has allowed another finger to slip. Kean also received a further blow when Morten Gamst Pedersen committed a vicious assault on his manager, crashing through him and sending him tumbling like a bowling ball falling off a rack. In his post-match interview Kean remarked “I’m kicking myself”. Well, looks like Pedersen was doing that for you (Chuckle, guffaw).

Aston Villa 0-2 Swansea City

Swansea put in one of their best performances of the season to overturn Aston Villa, achieving their first three point haul away from home. Stephen Warnock was at fault for the opener, although Nathan Dyer did squeeze the ball into a very tight gap to conjure up the first goal of the game. Swansea had the confidence to stride a million miles every time they went forward, and it was severely entertaining for the fans at Villa Park. Having continued to pile on the pressure like slabs of mashed potato, Swansea eventually scored their second with a goal from Routledge. N’Zogbia hit the post late on, but Villa submitted to the defeat.

It was truly inspiring for Swansea. All season they’ve been playing good football. Sometimes it has worked for them, sometimes it has been a pitfall. This display, however, was one of supreme quality and it’s difficult to see how a side that can play so well will end up as one of the worst three teams of the season. I expect we’ll see them in the comforts of mid-table.

Wigan Athletic 1-4 Sunderland

And finally, the most goals of this round-up were scored at the DW Stadium (That’s Wigan’s one, incase the modern name threw you off, granddad). The Martin O’Neill steam train continued to chug along with another impressive victory. It was another miserably rainy and windy affair (Probably doesn’t even deserve to be a footnote considering the game was played at Wigan) and the conditions probably benefitted Craig Gardner, who slammed home a brilliant free-kick. This was following by James McClean pogoing around in the area before heading in a second and Stephane Sessegnon continuing to write power over everything he does by capping off a nice move for the third. Rodallega was able to deflect a response between those two goals, but it was meaningless, as David Vaughan smashed home a fourth to complete the romp.

Wigan find themselves in the relegation zone still. They are used to this though, and that will stand them in good stead over the coming months. Wigan’s target has always been to stay up, and they will not be downbeat to find themselves in the scrap. It’s expected, and Martinez knows how to lead his men to ultimate safety. I believe they’ll dig themselves to safety somehow once more, despite this hefty defeat.

Goal of the Three Days: Tim Howard’s, because it was the most enchanting

Team of the Weekend: Swansea, who looked good in every department

The ‘Huh, that’s Different’ Award: Arsene Wenger, for losing his pockets.

*My current bank balance is about -£300. Cough up Oxfam.

Finally, RIP Gary Ablett and the fan that died at White Hart Lane yesterday. Both terrible pieces of news.

Football Round-Up: Ji, the Title Contenders are Starting to Yak

The last two days of football have been half topsy, half turvy. Giants seem to be dropping like big poisoned flies, and the hopeless seem to be rising up with unseen spirit. This is true in the Premier League especially, as we witnessed two of the most unexpected results of the season, along with other title challengers stumbling and a few well-needed displays from bottom-dwellers. It’s been enough to put Martin Tyler into a cataclysm of euphoria so dangerous, he may have to be put into a coma to compensate.

Speaking of which, though I wasn’t able to watch Sunderland’s shock victory over Manchester City on Sky Sports as I’m staying at home and my parents cancelled Sky Sports just a couple of days ago (on the day of a live Pompey game, agonisingly). I have seen a clip of Tyler’s commentary, and it reaffirms him as one of the best, with passion brimming from his lips.

Really though, you’d be absolutely right in accusing me of missing the point by talking about a broadcaster ahead of the game itself (I could go back and change it, but that would involve editing and effort and stuff). Sunderland’s win is such a perfect moment in football. It’s that subversion of everything that should happen in one explosive second. There’s no reason why Manchester City should lose a game like that, and thus a fairytale (of sorts) is born. Die-hard, desperate defending followed by daylight robbery (that doesn’t sound at all like a fairytale, on retrospect).

It seems Martin O’Neill has not so much breathed a new life into the side as emptied his lungs into it. They’ve scored 10 points out of the last 15 and looked a far cry from the fumbling shambles that Steve Bruce inadvertently assembled. Under Bruce’s regime, a lot of the squad seemed very anonymous and you’d be forgiven for not knowing half of Sunderland’s starting eleven. However, the players appear to be making themselves noticed again. Sessegnon has looked like an absolute powerhouse in midfield, Craig Gardner is integrating into the side with total commitment and Seb Larsson is beginning to convert his annoyingly good free-kicks. That said, with such strange results throughout the table, relegation is still a very real threat for many sides, including The Black Cats.

For Manchester City who have thrown away points in three of the last five games, one wonders where things are going wrong. Just a few weeks ago the team were striding from one game to the next with confidence burning the faces of their opponents, but suddenly times seem to have gotten tough and they aren’t looking like championship-certainties anymore. It could be argued that this is just a rough patch, as any team will go through. I expect there will be a better indication of whether or not that is the case over the next few weeks, with a gamit of tough fixtures on the horizon.

However, you do have to call into question their lacking in that all important attribute: experience. Though a truly impressive array of talent on their books, none of today’s Man City starting eleven have been anywhere near a title race (with the exception perhaps of Samir Nasri). It’s an oft-cited excuse that I feel is overblown, but it’s hard to deny that, having been in this position countless times, Manchester United aren’t advantaged in the title race.

That said, United have illustrated their proneness to crumbling like soggy cake. Yesterday’s defeat to Blackburn is the only possible result in football that, given the previous hopelessness of Steve Kean, was more unlikely than Kim-Jong Un being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. However, despite the almost boringly clichéd United comeback threatening to make a return, Blackburn somehow managed to find a winner and get three of the most precious points in a relegation fight. It takes a lot to win at Old Trafford (unless you’re Man United) and you need many things in your favour to make it happen. That includes a king’s portion of luck, a bit of flair and class on the pitch (in the shape of somebody like Yakubu) some tight defending, David De Gea on the field and an undeterred team spirit. It’s the lattermost that surprises me. I figured Blackburn players would feel lower than the Earth’s core, but for all his shortcomings, Steve Kean appears to be inspiring something in the team.

If Kean can turn things around at Blackburn it would be one of the most remarkable stories in football. I’ve never known a manager to be subject to such bitter protests, yet his wounded heart soldiers on and results have started to turn in his favour. In fact, one wonders if the abuse had touched the United team emotionally, and they let them win because they felt bad for him. That could be Kean's master plan. Whatever though, Blackburn are still a team in deep trouble, but the ray of hope has been cast off the shiny bald head of the Scot.

United’s title ambitions never seemed as fierce for the 2011-2012 season. Though their signings during the summer were good, absent from transfer proceedings was still that one player to make Manchester United into the team to be as utterly feared as they were during the Cristiano Ronaldo days. If they were going to win the league this season, it seemed they would do it quietly and efficiently. However, it’s really been all over the place. They’ve destroyed teams one minute and lost games bizarrely the next. It seems there’s little consistency in the team, and that may be down to the younger element of the squad that came with the summer changes. Lack of experience may just be affecting United as well as City.

Indeed, it could well be the issue for Andre Villas-Boas as well. The Chelsea team itself oozes experience, but their lickle baby of a manager is starved of it. Their defeat to Aston Villa, whilst surprising, caps an awful run of form for The Blues. They appeared to lack the strength and confidence to cope with Aston Villa’s counter attacking football (I must say, it was lovely to watch a real-life Jew Goal performed this weekend). 

Chelsea’s title ambitions are probably over. However, the fallen giants around them may give them a view of the greener pastures. They have a long gap to close, and if the transfer market isn’t utilised you’d say the ageing squad doesn’t have enough about it to make any real impact. However, with Chelsea there is always that chance. I’d give them more hope than Tottenham and Arsenal still, because we all know what they are capable of. A big run from here to the end of the season, with a little help from the fellow contenders struggling, may just see them back in contention.

Those were the big three results. I’ll go over the others a bit more briefly, because this looks long and I want to get back to playing Football Manager. Arsenal have been the form side in recent weeks, but their 1-0 win over QPR hasn’t cleansed my feeling that Robin van Persie is carrying that side like a camel with giant haystacks (either the animal fodder or the former wrestler will work in this simile) on its back. The Dutchman’s class made the difference once again, leaving a larger indent in the minds of those who worry about his inevitable injury.

Everyone kept going on about his record for scoring in a calendar year (including John Motson, who when commentating van Persie's goal against Everton completely ignored one of the most amazing physical feats in modern man whilst he was scrabbling around looking for his big book of statistics... I can empathise). While impressive, they only seemed to measure it up against Premier League players, with Alan Shearer being the record holder on 36. I appreciate that the Premier League is now the ‘Common Era’ of football, but really it would’ve been nice to see him compared to Lofthouse or Dean. This fact especially annoyed my Dad, who has now realised that football wasn’t invented until 1992 and all his memories of the game until then was an elaborate mirage perpetrated by Thatcher to give hooligans a place to go.

Bolton got an important point against Wolves in their fight to stave off relegation. Their form has resembled a lingering cold; constantly below par but with that expectation things will different next week. Though they could have done with a win yesterday, the point itself and a more encouraging performance will take away the downer of being bottom of the table. On a side-note, Sam Ricketts’ goal was excellent. I remember hearing him on the radio a month or two back whilst he was still injured, and he seemed like a good bloke, so I’m glad for him (in a cold, distant sort of way).

There was more late drama at Carrow Road as they pulled off a last-minute equaliser to deny Fulham the victory. Orlando Sa, a footballer who thuds against the ‘forget’ button in your memory, looked promising, causing problems all around Norwich’s defence and just being generally annoying. However, the plucky Canaries continue to get the important goals and have stood up to my expectations that they will have a good season. I’m glad for them (in a cold, distant sort of way).

Stoke had a pretty fun game against perennial survivors Wigan. 1-0 down, they won a penalty following Caldwell’s handball as Jerome headed towards goal. Caldwell was sent-off, and there was this strange argument from people who were incensed as the handball wasn’t deliberate. I don’t think that’s really the point when you deny a clear goalscoring opportunity. The opposition needs a concrete retribution on such occasions, and a red card is a good way of ensuring that (it doesn’t always work though, ask Ghana). Anyway, Stoke scored the penalty, Cameron Jerome (who amazes me with his perfection of embodying the word 'average') made it 2-1, and yet those never-say-die Wigolians managed to scrape a point with a late penalty.

A meeting between two of the most entertaining teams in the league, Swansea and Tottenham, ended in a 1-1 draw. It’s another frustration for Spurs, who have nagged away as possible title candidates, but as that sexy Scot Alan Hansen repeatedly says “Tottenham will always let you down”. If letting you down involves a top four finish, I don’t think Spurs fans will mind so much, but with the squad looking so capable and the football being so damn impressive, I think Tottenham not being close to ‘up there’ at the end of the year will feel a little like wasted potential.

And finally, it turns out Victor Anichebe still exists as he scored the winner against West Brom today. I had to check, but the lad is still only 23. It feels like he’s been around for decades, turning up every now and then from a long break to score a goal and then exit the stage for another seven months. At 23, you’d be tempted to say he’s had enough time to prove himself, but with Everton’s striking options looking brittle, Anichebe may still have a role to play at the club.

So that’s the Premier League wrapped up. I would talk about the Championship, but I can’t be bothered. All you need to know is the top two both lost, with Middlesbrough skimping on the chance to mix it up in there by drawing to Peterborough. Portsmouth got a decent result away to Leicester City, with Marko Futacs scoring his first goal in a 1-1 draw. And Watford secured a big win over Doncaster. Other than that, no other football really matters.

Alright, I'm sorry. I do like lower league football, but I haven't seen any of it the past few days. I'll make a bit more effort next time. But really after that, what else is there. I mean, Scottish football? Is that still around?

Anyway, to end this feature is going to be a regular couple of awards. Here they are:

Goal of the Weekend: Sam Ricketts’ sumptuous curler against Wolverhampton.

Team of the Weekend: Sunderland, for their heroic battling against City.

The ‘Huh, that’s different’ Award: Victor Moses, for simply not looking at a penalty.

Football Round-Up, if I can fight off the urge to be an ungodly lazy little oaf, will be a regular feature, so like, come back and stuff.

Football 2011: Another Lovely Review

AKA - Football in 2011: No God not the bees! Arrrrgh! Arrrghgarblegarble My Eyes! My Eyes!

The beautiful game is getting more and more beautiful, yet the financial machine behind it continues to inflate beyond comprehension. Football has had another year of captivation, controversy and capitulation. It’s been bloody brilliant.

Cast your mind back to January. Roy Hodgson, resembling a lost child accidentally put in charge of a football club, was sacked as Liverpool manager and the good Lord himself King Kenny Dalglish was his replacement. Chelsea paid an immense and, retrospectively, laughable £50m on misfiring Fernando Torres. Football lost a legend in big Nat Lofthouse, who died aged 85. “Feels like a while ago”, we all cry in unison.

It has been a long year for football. The aforementioned financial aspect of the game has been completely out of control. I envisioned some form of collapse for football’s economy long before the stage we’ve reached now, but instead the inflated transfer fees show no sign of stopping. Andy Carroll, who had only been through a season of Premier League experienced, was deemed to be worth £35m from Liverpool. Meanwhile, veteran striker Samuel Eto’o was bathing in sweet money thanks to his record-high salary of £330,000 a week at Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala.

It’s a worrying trend. Somewhere, the costs have to be covered and it seems that is beginning to hit the pockets of the fans more than anything else. The constant burden that is my football team, Portsmouth, are starting to charge £30 a ticket. That’s Championship level football, and that simply isn’t good enough. The world’s financial chaos means that the days of season tickets and Sky subscriptions will begin to dwell, and that could lead to crisis for certain clubs.

However, the football itself is getting better. Enough praise has been thrown at Barcelona that if all the players were found guilty of tearing down orphanages and destroying valuable pieces of art, everyone would still watch them with dreamy approval. However, it is true that the football is getting more and more amazing and Lionel Messi is continuing to establish himself as not just the best player at the moment, but a possible candidate for one of the best of all time once his career has finished. So far this season, Barcelona have scored an astonishing 39 goals in 8 home games.

In general though, football seems to be moving back towards a more interesting attacking style. 4-5-1 seemed ready to dominate football, but over this year teams are gradually evolving into a 4-3-3, with forward players chasing down the wings in order to put more pressure on defences. It’s worked, as we’ve seen some games with superb ebbing and flowing, and to top that some ridiculous scorelines. Who could forget the 8-2 between Man United and Arsenal? Or the 6-1 between Man City and Man United? Or the incredible 4-4 between Arsenal and Newcastle?

With such excitement has come a change in the pecking order for English football. The classic ‘big four’ is well and truly dead, with Manchester City and arguably Tottenham coming well into the frame. Man City have been the success story of 2011, with their continued improvement seeing them to FA Cup success last season and making them frontrunners for the title this year. With the signings of Aguero, Dzeko and Nasri bolstering the team, it seems very likely that Manchester City will be the next big name in world football. That said, world superstars don’t tend to be shown on Channel 5 on a Thursday night.

There have been some more sombre occasions in the world of football as well this year. Recently, we tragically lost two very well respected figures in the game. Gary Speed’s death was met with as much sorrow as I can ever remember from a footballer’s passing. Clearly a much-loved figure in the game, ex-players and reporters were breaking down in tears all over the place in the days following the shocking announcement. We also lost former Brazilian star Socrates, aged just 57. He was instrumental in the great passing and moving that Brazil possessed during his time.

Meanwhile, we had the retirements of a few true greats in football. Paul Scholes hung his boots up after a quietly illustrious career spent entirely at Old Trafford. The ginger midfielder continued to play a key role in his side up until the day he called it quits. Also leaving the foray of football was Ronaldo. A player who helped define his generation, Ronaldo left behind a legacy of World Cup memories, as well as his hundreds of goals in club football.

So what can sum up this tumultuous year in football? I’m going to say Mario Balotelli. That sounds odd, but think about it: Lots of money, much craziness and unexpected events off the pitch, perhaps a little too much showboating, but underneath it all some great football. Balotelli is the embodiment of football in 2011, and that’s somewhat lovable, somewhat tragic. God himself is struggling to work out where we’ll be at the end of 2012...

SEASON AWARDS – Bear in mind these awards are for the most entertaining entities in each category, and not necessarily the best.

Team of the year: I want to give this to Blackpool, because not only were their matches always exciting, they had us intrigued during their relegation battle. However, they faded out during this season. It’s between them and Birmingham, who went through just about everything you could go through. They won the League Cup, got relegated, had a European tour, shafted their manager off to their rivals...

Sod it. Blackpool win.

Player of the Year: Mario Balotelli. He’s amazing in every sense of the word.

Game of the Year – Manchester United 1-6 Manchester City. Not only was this incredible to watch, I get the feeling it will be one of the defining games of an era. City’s domination started here.

Goal of the Year – Bryan Ruiz vs Everton. Purely for the fact that Bryan Ruiz has literally done nothing else except this one ridiculously good goal.

Numpty of the Year – Sepp Blatter. I think perhaps this award should just be the ‘Sepp Blatter Numpty of the Year’ award and have it guaranteed that he will always win it as long as he is in football. Good job, Sepp.

Manager of the Year – Steve Kean. He’s inspired more protests than raised tuition fees and yet keeps his job. He also looks like Karl Pilkington.

Bizarre Moment of the Year – Emile Heskey going mental and barging into referee Mike Jones, consequently having to be restrained by his team-mates. I mean, where the hell did that come from? It was hilarious.

Goalkeeper of the Year - Bartosz Białkowski. I think he’s only played one game this year, but it was like he was trying to recreate a Heurelho Gomes compilation reel in 90 minutes. Shockingly poor.

The WTF England Cap of the Year – Carlton Cole. He’s had seven now, and I still don’t get it.

Refereeing Decision of the Year – Jack Rodwell sent off in the Merseyside derby because... I guess the referee was in that sort of mood.

AND FINALLY, the JensonsBeard award for just being awesome goes to... Titus Bramble. It’s his forceful tackling that I like.

I would like to apologise for the previous sentence.